Sorry about your dog Rob. You did the right thing. Dont have any doubts.
GF: you are again doing the right thing. I would appreciate a lot a man that knew when to give me space and time to get my head straight without expecting me to "give" more than I could handle. Easy does it, dont you Americans say? xxx K
Thanks for the words of support on my dog. It still feels so awful not to have him here w/me. I'm getting better and more adjusted to living w/out him, but I do miss that little guy.
Did you get a chance to see his FB pictures yet?
As for GF, thanks also for the validation that I'm doing the right thing. I wasn't sure last night but today's events seemed to cement in my head that we'll be just fine as long as I continue to give her space and let her get out what she needs to do w/her ex, her job status, etc.
So, she had a rough day today and sent me a text telling me about it and mentioning that her dog had got out. She was crushed and I knew she was stressed, so I thought the right thing to do would be to go out and try and find her dog.
I drove over to her place and looked in the yard and to my surprise, she was at home. I told her why I was there and she invited me in and we chatted for a short while and then I left. When I was leaving, she reached for me to kiss and that was a very good sign.
So, I went home and about my business (oh, and the dog was found, by the way), when she sent a text asking me what I was doing and then following up by saying she hadn't been able to do anything b/c her infant son wouldn't leave her alone. So, I asked if she needed a distraction and she invited me over for dinner. She also mentioned her wanting me to not stay as she had previously said she needed time and space (no biggie to me as I'm willing to wait for this one).
We ate and then I picked up her teenage daughter for her so she could put her son down. When I got back, she was completely immersed in her resume and job applications and I said, "I'm taking off and I'll talk to you later, ok?" Well, she got a bit mad at me that I was leaving w/out kissing her and told me to hang on and let her finish.
She walked me outside and I mentioned I didn't want to disturb her as she looked focused, and she pretty much told me that it wasn't acceptable for me to just leave w/out kissing her good-bye and talking a bit first.
So, we chatted - both seriously and playfully - and she put her bare toes on mine as she stood in front of me and I leaned on the house. Again, she made the move to kiss me good night (which then I followed up on, of course) and I went home.
My plan was to simply "back off" and not pressure her at all, but tonight made it pretty clear that she's still wanting us to be something and we'll be something for a bit of a spell. It is very evident that she is as in to me as I am her and now I can relax a bit and just "let things be" for a while.
It is good to feel wanted and as I've said before, I'm content to wait and be patient.
She said in her text that she didn't like how we've met when she's in the midst of all this personal strife and turmoil and I told her we'd have our time for us very soon. However, for now, although I'm her boyfriend, my role is to be more than a lover as friend and partner are also part of the job description.
Truth is, I'd be happier if we hadn't met under these circumstances, but we're together for a reason and I'm a big believer that if you wait for a "perfect time" you'll never find it. I'm also going to continue to live w/out being afraid from now on, so maybe I'm taking a big risk that won't pan out. If not, I'll be ok, but I'm thinking I'd rather swing for the fences than to take three strikes.
At least she knows I'm on her side and now I'm pretty convinced she's very glad I'm there. All of her stresses will be ending soon (although she doesn't think so, but honestly, nothing is ever permanent, so they're bound to wrap up sooner or later), and then we'll really be able to spend time w/each other for each other. That's when the fun will really begin.
Had a chance to talk w/Jody today about things as I have a few sessions left that I'd pre-paid for a long time ago.
Anyway, as always, she's great to talk w/and she told me that I'm sounding much stronger than I have in the past and that it seems as if I'm doing very well.
On the GF front, we both agree that the fact I'm with a woman who needs me to take things slow is a very good thing b/c it is helping me to reaffirm my own sense of self and be able to combat those old, ingrained insecurities of my past.
She feels like I'm doing a good job at giving GF space and the fact she didn't like me leaving w/out kissing her, holding her and talking w/her a bit before I left was a very, very positive sign.
So, as usual, she was a very excellent part of my day and if you need any coaching at all, Jody is WELL WORTH the investment. I can't think of an individual who has helped me more than she has over the past 18 months in terms of relationships.
As for today, I am going to break my "no 1st contact" rule w/GF to send her a little text about her upcoming job interview. It will be something short and sweet along the lines of "I know you'll impress the heck out of them today and now all you'll have to do is see if they'll impress you."
Keep it simple, stupid. The KISS method is wonderful, especially for us men.
I'm glad you thought my text was the right thing to say and still be able to stay back and give her space.
She sent me a text and said it went well and she'll know more by Friday. I replied saying "I knew you'd knock 'em dead. Give me a call if you'd like to talk about it as I'd love to hear more about how it went."
So, there wasn't a call right away, but sure enough, around 7pm, she called to talk about how her interview went. I listened and did my best to validate and mentioned she's going to have some time to relax w/out her kids tomorrow and if she feels like grabbing dinner sometime to let me know.
That was it and again, I'll wait until she contacts me today and then I'll see how she's getting along.
When I talked w/Jody yesterday, she had me look for my old nots I had taken about the "stages" of a healthy relationship b/c they apply w/GF now. So, I did some digging and found what she was talking about and she's right on. See, GF and I are in Stage 1 where any negative emotions need to be diffused and reduced.
Now, GF's negative emotions are not about me, but about her X and how he's treated her during this entire custody process. She's so very angry at him that it is causing her to not be able to fully give herself into us. So, I'm looking at doing whatever I can to keep her emotions diffused on my end.
So, Jody and I talked about making sure GF had a lot of fun when she was w/me and that I also continue to cut things short and give her the "gift of missing me."
To me, I think we're in both places as we've got the foundation of friendship building, but her resentment of X has creeped in and she needs to purge that completely before we can continue. I know we are in the 2nd stage of friendship b/c she tells me that she really enjoys it when I'm around and she's very relaxed and comfortable when I'm w/her.
I don't put any expectations on her, so I know I have the friendship foundation building. The romance and chemistry is also there and continuing to build, but we honestly won't be able to progress there until she's been able to work out her anger w/her X...or at least until she's started the process.
So, thanks for the validation. It is always good for a man to hear what the other 1/2 thinks of his actions. I'm learning to be a better man every day and I'm hoping to continue to learn how to be a better boyfriend, husband, lover, companion, friend, confidant, inspiration, and cheerleader for the lady of my life along the way as well.
Hey I would love to know what the stages are if you wouldn't mind sharing. I never had Jody has a coach but mine was pretty good, we just never got into that since I was fighting the timeline of the courts and divorce.
Your GF is lucky to have you.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Share the wealth. Many of those attributes create great friendships and improve who you are. Think about putting the nozzle setting to 'spray' rather than 'jet'.
She's still struggling with her emotions. Avoid getting caught in an emotional triangle. Your communication should be a straight line.
For example, a man and I developed an incredibly supportive relationship during the divorce process. We approached the friendship as a grand experiment to face the fears head on that we each felt lead to the end of our respective marriages. It was great. I had no fear because it was all about facing fears.
In the end I started reacting to him the way I would to ex.. because ex was still in my head. Transference perhaps? Projection?
It's great that you're at Stage 1, Stage 2. You know how to treat a woman. You're confident in yourself. There's an energy sizzling positively around you.
Just be you. Apply what you've learned and see how it feels. Although your focus is on your girlfriend's wellbeing.. it's all about you. Be the man you want to be. Walk the walk. You have it all. Know the joy within.
Thanks for saying my GF is lucky to have me. I can only hope she thinks the same thing as I'm really falling for her. It is scary to have those feelings again b/c of the potential of being hurt, but I can't live in fear any more and if it doesn't pan out in the end, I'll survive. There are plenty of women out there.
Don't get me wrong, as I'll be very blue, but I won't be ruined forever. So, I'm going to continue to move along slowly in hopes that what I'm feeling, seeing, and reading from her is correct that she's really into me as well.
I'd really like to be at a place where I could tell GF I'm in love w/her and have her say the same thing back to me. So, that's my current goal and I'll just have to sit back and let things unfold if I'm hoping for something to last.
Again, it has been very good for me as this relationship is forcing me to face my ingrained insecurities and fight them head on as I know it is the only way for GF and I to build a healthy, lasting relationship.
Oh, on a side note, I just read today where roughly 98% of the things we humans are "afraid" of happening, never actually happen. So, the fear is created inside ourselves instead of being based in reality. I thought that was very interesting.
Ok, on the the steps...
They're pretty simple, actually, but Jody also pointed out that these are the stages for a "healthy relationship" and that is whether you are trying to save your marriage or start something new:
Stage 1: Diffuse and reduce all negative emotions - resentment, depression, anxiety, fear, lonliness, desperation, insincerity, mistrust, etc.
In this step you are supposed to constantly ask yourself: "Is my action going to reduce or increase negative feelings?"
There is also supposed to be NO EXPECTATIONS in Stage 1.
Again, you should also ask, "Am I maintaining positive actions and feedback?"
Finally, there should be NO MENTION of YOU in Stage 1. Only about the other person.
Stage 2: Friendship
The main question is "How do you feel in each other's presence?"
To be in Stage 2, you should feel the following: mutual, equitable, free, non-edited, natural, no-overanlayzing, and unguarded.
Your role toward the other in this stage is to be the following: affirming and supportive while maintaining the other is your friend who is independent of you.
You and your friend should also feel very safe w/each other.
Finally, you should feel "energized" by the time you have spent together.
I hope I'm going along this the right way w/GF as I'm completely crazy about her and am hoping to have her around for a long time.
I'm being very careful not to get mixed into her emotions over X and the only thing I'm doing is encouraging her to process whatever she needs to on that front. I'm also telling her I'm not in a hurry so I'll be as patient as she needs me to be as I'm here for her right now.
She's acknowledged that my being there for her means more to her "than I'll ever know" so that's got to be a good sign, right (along w/her still wanting to be kissed and held by me).
Anyway, I've been telling her that things will be turning for her soon and they appear to be moving in that direction. I've also been saying that August will be her month as July has been a really bad one for her. To that end, my plan is to send her flowers on Saturday (Aug. 1) and say something simple like: "Say good-bye to July and hello to YOUR month. Here's to a great August."
I know she loves flowers and I don't think that will come across as my being needy or pushy, but instead as supportive of her and a positive note to start the new month off with (however, female feedback is always appreciated and I haven't placed the order yet, so there is still time...).
I think that is very sweet. I would fall for it but just make sure that flowers stay special and not used all the time. I dated a guy that got me flowers all of the time. Nice at first but that stopped meaning something special after a bit. Just a FYI.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
