K4D Rising #4

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

What I meant is I am not bugging W anymore. I am giving her the space she needs. I completely leave her alone now. I was very cheerful and confident last night when I picked up the kids even in the face of seeing her not give a crap that I am there.

She had mentioned earlier that she had let down her guard and it was a mistake because I brought up MC after she told me she was going to finish the D.

Now her guard is back up and has been ever since. Another stupid mistake on my part. I won't do that again and I haven't done it since. But contact is now limited to the exchange of the kids for pushing that.

But I got the message loud and clear. She cannot say that I am a problem for her anymore. I need to become a benefit to her now. But I can only do that by benefiting myself first.

I'm not going to got through the list of things again I have been doing. I am doing stuff other than just hanging out with friends.

I have enough self esteem to know that I could find someone else. But I am not looking to find someone else. I guess my self esteem does come into question when it comes to attracting W back after all the horrid mistakes I have made.

25,

Thank you for the prayer. And yes, I do pray each day that God changes me to be the Christian man, husband and father that I need to be. It is not at all relegated to just changing my W's heart.

I ask for strength, wisdom, guidance and to personally change me and do whatever it takes to change me so that my M can be restored and under God. I also pray for other standers and my family and friends, etc. I thank God for what he has blessed me with and I ask for forgiveness for the things I have done wrong among other things. I pray that he be with my kids each day and give them strength and guide them.

But yes, I need to bring more to the table. So I am working on that. I am exploring new things. I like to cook. I like learning how to dance. I like excercising and going on hikes. I'm not much of a TV watcher unless it is sports. But I have been getting back into movies with FaithfulH and I am enjoying those. I do a lot of listening to and reading of the bible. I prayed for some time that God would lead me to the church I should be at and I think he has. To my surprise W hasn't really met me with any resistance to it like I thought she would. She doesn't want anything to do with it. But she hasn't threatened me like she did months ago.

I also fast, but I do not telling anyone when I am as that is supposed to be private between me and God.

I have to get my inspection done on my car this weekend. I can't forget that again.

Kevin

Oh Kevin...my prayer for you, which I am glad you liked, somehow went right by your heart...I mean, the word "WIFE" is NOT in that prayer for a very good reason. When you still related all that I said simply to restoring the M, it was still about what you want and need. You put your desires into a prayer designed for reliance on God and somehow you made it a prayer more or less saying "Dear God, help me be good so that you can Show me HOW TO GET HER BACK," which isn't what the prayer was about...I mean, who am I to tell you what to pray for, but since I wrote it for you, let me say here's what I wished for you to learn from the prayer and where I was going with it, as succinctly as possible...

I was going with a "show me what YOU, God, want for MY LIFE" type of prayer, and that may not have much at all to do with your wife, other than as a co=parent, and even if it did, she has free will.

So, in sum The prayer was about you leaning on HIM FOR ALL and NOT LEANING ON HER, AT ALL..

Oh, when you ignore the tough questions you are asked, and switch topics to superficial ones like "The FOOD Channel, by Kevin", it's such bad conflict avoidance I have to wonder how you resolve conflict in your life. I really really do. It's as if you are really shutting us off the way you stop attending things that are uncomfortable AND don't mention doing so to others unless really pinned down. You ignore the truly tough work, as I said you were doing with religion and I do think you are hiding behind it so you can avoid the tough stuff, just as I said earlier and as CG just said again, and I suspect you will blurt out someting in response about how great God is, and who will argue against that? Many of us, myself included, are believers. But that doesn't mean we don't help ourselves, (as we are biblically instructed to do, Kevin)...so Don't deflect or minimize your issues, we see through it. As a believer, it bothers me also b/c I know there are good hearted agnostics and non-believers here who are seeking out guidance, and when some sweeping comment about your faith is blurted out as a broad brush approach and deflection from the real work, it helps NO ONE and frankly, it embarrasses me a tad. It is a deflection, and I'll leave it at that.

Stay on track. Or you will continue down the path where you make mistakes you made back in March, like mentioning MC to your w? ....come on now, of course she runs from that. Of course it's a setback and you knew it would be. But you don't control your urges to speak and you desparately grasp b/c you have prayed a few weeks and so you feel that you are what? "Due a miracle?" I mean again and again, we tell you your timeline is unrealistic and here we are, Again...but you cannot contain your neediness. That's why we say GET HELP!!

You knew we'd howl against you telling her this, so you did it without running it by us on purpose, (Think about that Kevin, after posting so much else here...)

...so that's where this whole weird dynamic of the "Kevin - the misbehaving child routine" comes into play, and you turn me and CG (and DW and who else? Stuck??) into the "scolding nuns/parents" (or maybe your strong willed diasppointed w??") I don't know!

I'm no psych, but I've talked to one on many occasions so it's not an insult from me to say, Kevin, you need a shrink, b/c this dynamic is really odd and Unhealthy and oh sooo old and familiar now and so dull and repetitive. Your wife must have been incredibly frustrated.

You will eventually need to learn the skills to cope with the pain of dealing with the new reality,(which ain't so "new" now) i.e.,[b] NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR OLD LIFE BACK..None of us can....

Not that God or time won't bring you happiness in some form, but you seem to want it packaged in old wrapping, and that packaging is gone. We all had to learn this and deal with our new realities...all of us Kevin, we all did. Longer M's, more kids, way less money, no jobs, bad health problems, worse situations by far in some cases....somehow we ALL learned that we had to recreate what we could with WHAT IS, not what once was, or might have been....and It has been 'your turn' to do the same, for some time now... [/b]

And as CG says, you should stop the way you bypass the deeper questions, and pretend not to notice or grasp the meaning of our real questions, so you can just change channels and say "we are now turning on the superficial and SAFE for discussion, "Food channel!"....what gives with that behavior?

Kevin, can you make a prayer to God that does not include the word "wife" or the desire for getting her back? just ONE prayer that doesn't include your wants/needs about her?

If not, think about why that is.

You know how unattractive, ineffective and counter productive it is, so what's up with still doing it?

It' why we say, "you don't get it". So yeah, I think you need serious c, and don't see how on earth the AA meetings could hurt you at all. I still feel that way. When I see these posts of yours, I feel it more.

Good luck, Kevin, and listen WELL to Faithfulh and not just the "happy parts" okay? his story was a long tough one, not all happy and go lucky...same with me and mine, and we are all works in progress as are our marriages, if we are lucky. Patience, and acceptance of what IS, and dealing with what IS, is NOT a lack of faith. It's a healthy response to life and reflects faith that God WILL be with YOU, regardless of her choices....

j-