First post - was a lurker, now need to talk

[Bagheera]

I'm hoping that LuckyGirl or DanceQueen will chime in here soon and give you their female perspectives, but I'll poke my male nose in on a few things you've mentioned.

First; I think you should trust your instincts here:

However, it is a pretty demanding job, and I know he doesn't like the fact that I work a lot of hours. I've gotten better about this in the past year - I know it was a problem that I was working late a lot, but he and I talked about it and I really have made some strides. However, I can't help feeling that somehow, he resents my job. I really don't get that.

I don't think it's any kind of "old fashioned" urge to keep his wife subordinate to him or dependent upon him --> instead, I *suspect* that it may be the exact same complaint that wives often have when their husbands become overly absorbed with their careers. These guys become so absorbed in their work, that they stop investing time, effort, and energy into their relationship with their wives and children. Your man probably feels like you've pulled away from him, and that you no longer invest in the relationship as much. That is, that he's been swapped out of your number one slot in favor of something else, something newer. Note that this may be more of an EMOTIONAL response on his part, a feeling, and not so much based upon the facts --> despite being a modern male who will tell himself that he's being silly in thinking so, that feeling of being passed aside may still be there. He may even feel bit embarassed or ashamed about feeling "jealous" over your job (he really *wants* to feel supportive instead), and therefore has used the "cat fight" as a cover.

This is an issue that can be worked out with some deep discussions between te two of you, along with a greater effort on both of your parts to keep the relationship as a high priority in your lives -- it takes work and extra effort, especially when lives get busier.

Second, in regards to this:

The most recent time was this morning, after our failed attempt that was ruined by the alarm clock. Unfortunately, I said something sarcastic. He said, "We'll try again tonight," and I said, "Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it."

The FASTEST way to shut a man down, and cause him to clam up and withdraw from you is to openly complain, criticize, and display this kind of sarcasm (we men call it "nagging"). He'll retreat in self-defense into the proverbial man-cave, and you could scream and throw things, and he won't hear a word. I'm glad that you recognized the mistake and apologized, but it will serve you better if you can bite your tongue when you are frustrated and use more constructive approaches that he'll actually respond to.

And thirdly, you wrote:

He said that I need to be more aggressive about approaching him - when we're hanging out in the living room after dinner, I could suggest to him that we go in the bedroom. This is good to know, bcs I've been afraid to pursue him too much.

Great! He's shown you that he's more open than you may have thought to being approached by you sexually: take advantage of it! Men do absolutely love it when their woman initiates.

However, this does beg the question from me: how well does HE do at romancing and seducing *you* anymore? Has he continued The Chase of boy pursues girl with you (something women generally NEVER tire of ), or has he fallen into the common male trap of figuring that now that he's caught the girl, his chasing days are over? BZzzzttt! Wrong answer if that's the case, and a lesson that you may have to teach him, with time.

-- B.