Asks me if I've thought about Mediator, so we can get started after Family Vacation. (earlier this month she suggested we not even discuss it until after vacation). I started to say, "I disagree with this path I don't want it but I respect your decision and want you to be happy and I hope you'll respect me, who I am, when I tell you..." She interrupted before I could finish with "no mediator for me, do what you feel you must I won't stand in your way but I won't help you get the wheels in motion" She said, "You act like you think you're better than me because you say you want to work things out," (or words to that effect). I started to say my belief that with all we've learned, grown, etc., I don't want to reconcile, "make it better" but, rather have something wonderfully different. Discuss it, build it. "I did not leave! You made me leave. I had to leave for my health and my life! I was forced out!" [b]I told her that I've learned [/b]
Let her talk more and validate. Don't tell her what you want her to do ("respect me") Don't preach - "when I tell you," "my belief." Instead use phrases like, "I think/feel ...."
When she tells you what you think (you are better than me) then correct her on it. "No I don't think I am better than you. I think _______________." She also had a choice in leaving and has a choice in coming back her decisions which you don't control.
Gardener really look at and understand that how you say things matters. Your intentions were good but your execution was off. It's just one conversation, learn from it and keep moving forward. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'd say part of detaching is sort of embarrassing the level of letting go you are speaking about, but not in a way that is "giving up" or done with an angry or negative angle.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
G man - I tried that bit - "look honey - I've changed" and gave a big list. She didn't see because she didn't want to or that she couldn't - whatever.
Bollox (there I go again). Why can't the significant other SEE? Answer - no bloody idea.
We just have to motor on with the main goal - ourselves. It's up to the significant others and people around significant others to see for themselves.
Is it something in the air or what. There's so many downs this week!
Forced out? Remember your post to me not so very long ago "following the script".
Bollox to this take on the sitch. Everything forward. Chin up. Motor on!
Soddit all.
We all know, because we've read your thread, that you have been sticking to the "rules" and saw the results. No idea why this backslide from the W. Thinking about IT isn't going to help boed.
Coach has it in his post above. Just want to add a caveat - do it naturally - not like a L.
Coach - wish you'd beat me up as well. I have my lapse's like everyone else. Serenity slaps like a girl)
You can do this (again.... and again.... and again because you're worth it).
Now stick that big hat of yours on, trim the brim, and ride towards the sunrise cowboy!
Coach, Beepee, givingitmyall, JKL2009, MAC-ct, et al,
Well, one nap, one good IC session, and one good hot meal after this pained, resigned rant:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Serious question: What does one do - what have any of you guys done - if and when it hits you (as Mac-ct would say): Oh, soddit.
I'm there today and have been throughout last (sleepless) night. Just screw it, whover you are, whoever you've become. I don't know the person I was with yesterday, with her dead eyes and disdain. She's gone like the old M is gone, the old R is gone.
Screw it. I've been trying to be a friend to my wife. Patient, the whole drill. Soddit. I'm exhausted and financially tapped and in debt from trying to keep up this house by myself - a house to which I attach zero meaning. It's just a (too-damn-big) building, a structure. For what? To wait out a one-year separation that started out as a "respite" (her word) while she's pulled further and further away every single week just to then sell it in a hopefully better market? Screw it. Start your divorce or mediation, let's get this house on the market, sell it and let's just go, already, former wife and whoever it is that you've become - that you are -now. Go. Do it. Eight months of intense, sincere effort and noble intent on my part with zero, zip, nada reciprocal effort on her part. Soddit. Don't care. Done. Finis.
and I'm back.
Yesterday and overnight I prayed, meditated and thunk. A lot. I'm not sure that I can adequately convey my experience but a number of scales fell from my eyes and I saw that my last nine months comprised pleading (of course) followed by relatively commendable pre-DB action (per Telecoach Dottie) culminating with post-DB hope, strategies and this community (that'd be you)
This entire time, the brutal reality of my situation was always either the mission, the focus, or, at the very least, the constant white noise of my every waking minute. True.
And like all of us, I struggled - sincerely and valiantly, I believe - to detach. Soon I began to actually experience some nascent detachment. Today, while driving to IC session I felt - felt - detachment...happen.
After describing the events of yesterday and today -both external and internal - to my IC, he began to comment on it when I interjected, out of nowhere, or, rather, out of somewhere, "Now, me." He asked me, "what was that?" and I repeated, "Now, me." and into my mind popped:
Originally Posted By: Greek
Save YOURSELF. IOW ~~~ being the best Garden Gnome you can be is your job right now. Golly, I sound like Coach But seriously, he would say that and he'd be right. This is the only thing you can control right now.
.
After some more talk and tears I drove home feeling peaceful and feeling a genuine, non fake-it-til-you-make-it PMA begin.
And that's where I am. Thanks for being here.
p.s MAC-ct, how'd you like my soddits? Did I use 'em correctly?
Last edited by Gardener; 07/28/0902:40 AM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Detached today, soddit tomorrow. Or maybe not? This is a roller coaster. Sometimes you are on the climb, sometimes the downward spiral, sometimes the loop-de-loop. That is when you come here and vent.
You just need to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. No m gets to this point over night. It takes years. This means any changes may very well take years.
You make You strong, You take care of You, and then see where the rest of it all goes.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
