Hi everyone. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. Not even sure where to start, but here it goes. I've been with my H for 10years...married 7. He is 31 I am 33. We had some problems a few years back, but we worked through them and everything had gotten a lot better. Well due to the economy, he lost his job. I had prayed and prayed for and opportunity to come his way so he could work again...and it happened! He received a call with a job offer. Making more money than before..so we were thrilled. The downfall is the other job was in another state. We were told he wouldn't be there forever, just temporarily. So we didn't make any plans to move there. That was in February. Now it's the end of July and he is still there.While he was gone he came to visit home every few weeks. I went to visit him as well. We had a talk in June about how happy we were and how things have really improved for us. he told me he loved me and cherished me and our marriage. Well two weeks later, he started acting strange. he became very distant, quiet, just wasn't acting himself. So I asked what was wrong and he dropped the D bomb on me. Told me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. That he felt like he loved me more like a sister than a wife. I was utterly shocked. I couldn't for the life of me understand how things could change so drastically so fast. the only thing I could think of was that he met someone who put the little sparkle in his eye. Well after some prodding, he finally told me that he did meet someone. Some 24 year old and he thinks they are soulmates and in love. So I continued to try to understand what went wrong in our marriage. he said nothing went wrong, his feelings just changed. He told me he loves me, he enjoys spending time with me, he loves talking with me and that he still wants me in his life, just doesn't want to be married to me. he also told me that he thinks I am perfect and there is absolutely nothing he would change about me. I am just dumbfounded! He is in a huge rush to get divorced too. He told me he met OW in June, told me he wanted a D on 4th of July and has already contacted an attorney. So, I need help, I have no idea what to do. I love this man with all of my heart and I think he doesn't realize what the heck he is doing.
We do not have any children. We both wanted them very badly, it just hadn't happened for us yet. When we were having problems a few years ago he had had an affair. Back then he thought he was in love with that OW as well. Well, the lust wore off and he wanted to work on our marriage. He said he had made a huge mistake and he regretted what he did. He promised he would never put me through that again....and here we are, again. So many people tell me to just leave him. This is the second time around that he's doing this, and that he will never change. My head agrees, but my heart is so tied to him and our marriage. I took my vows very seriously...til death do us part. He told me he believes that a couple should always be "in love". And since he didn't feel that way for me that it was wrong. I did tell him that if he thinks he will find someone and be head over heels in love with them forever, then he is sadly mistaken.
So you know it isn't likely to last with this OW, but it will be harder for you to trust him again when you do repair this.
If you play 'hardball' right now, you won't win. And yet, you will need to have to ensure boundaries at some point. But you're not there yet, so what to do.
Have you read Divorce Remedy?
The most important thing is not to beg or cry or plead right now, that will push him away. Don't argue with him. It's useless right now and the more he presents his side, the more he 'cements' his position in his head. (What you resist, persists. Don't agree, but don't resist.) Don't agree to divorce. Tell him you need time to think.
Now...focus on yourself. Up your happiness level. Weird advice, when you're husband is out playing around. Pamper, have fun with friends, pick up a hobby. You do want to not take all of his calls, and be a bit mysterious. Then let him guess what you're up to.
Last edited by sgctxok; 07/28/0902:49 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Hmmmm, sounds like he has some issues with repeat infidelity. If you don't set some firm boundaries now, you're likely to be facing this throughout your marriage, unfortunately.
Thank you for the responses! It's so nice to have a place to turn to where people understand what I am going through. I have read Divorce Remedy. When he first told me he wanted a divorce, I was shocked, I was upset, I cried. But since then I have been trying to be upbeat when I speak to him and not letting him see my pain. Of course as soon as I get off the phone I fall apart. I have been doing my best to make myself happy as hard as it is. I am concerned about repeat infidelity and it's nothing I want to deal with for years to come. But I do want to work out our marriage. I haven't been calling him and he hasn't called me much either. It's so hard trying to work on things when he's so far away. As far as I know I don't think he has any intentions on coming back to the state we live in for a while.
I know a lot of people want their WAS close at hand to witness any changes they make. Personally I found it extremely difficult to detach while having constant contact.
Use the distance to your advantage. You have the time and space to really work on yourself. Do not worry about working on your M, really focus on doing what is best for you.
What are your GAL activities? Have you examined your past behavior to see how you contributed to your R problems? How are you addressing them?
I agree with Puppy that you will have to determine what your boundaries are and be prepared to communicate them. But don't obsess about it. Keep your focus on what you want your life to be.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 07/28/0904:04 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I know a lot of people want their WAS close at hand to witness any changes they make. Personally I found it extremely difficult to detach while having constant contact.
Use the distance to your advantage. You have the time and space to really work on yourself. Do not worry about working on your M, really focus on doing what is best for you.
What are your GAL activities? Have you examined your past behavior to see how you contributed to your R problems? How are you addressing them?
I agree with Puppy that you will have to determine what your boundaries are and be prepared to communicate them. But don't obsess about it. Keep your focus on what you want your life to be.
Now isn't the time for talking boundaries with him...he doesn't care. Now IS the time for figuring out what your boundaries are.
I agree, learn for yourself what you're willing to live with and what you won't live with and then apply it to your life and be respectful towards yourself. When you tolerate crap behavior from people in your life you invite that kind of problem and then complain about it afterwards. Easier to just let them be and let them go if they can't stop disrespecting you - this kind of attitude & behavior on your part will generate change at their end. When you respect yourself enough to let go of the people in your life that won't respect you, it communicates to others that for them to be in your life they must respect you.
