Changing Man

[Gardener]

Coach, Beepee, givingitmyall, JKL2009, MAC-ct, et al,

Well, one nap, one good IC session, and one good hot meal after this pained, resigned rant:

Serious question: What does one do - what have any of you guys done - if and when it hits you (as Mac-ct would say):
Oh, soddit.

I'm there today and have been throughout last (sleepless) night. Just screw it, whover you are, whoever you've become. I don't know the person I was with yesterday, with her dead eyes and disdain. She's gone like the old M is gone, the old R is gone.

Screw it. I've been trying to be a friend to my wife. Patient, the whole drill. Soddit. I'm exhausted and financially tapped and in debt from trying to keep up this house by myself - a house to which I attach zero meaning. It's just a (too-damn-big) building, a structure. For what? To wait out a one-year separation that started out as a "respite" (her word) while she's pulled further and further away every single week just to then sell it in a hopefully better market?
Screw it. Start your divorce or mediation, let's get this house on the market, sell it and let's just go, already, former wife and whoever it is that you've become - that you are -now. Go. Do it. Eight months of intense, sincere effort and noble intent on my part with zero, zip, nada reciprocal effort on her part.
Soddit. Don't care. Done. Finis.

and I'm back.

Yesterday and overnight I prayed, meditated and thunk. A lot. I'm not sure that I can adequately convey my experience but a number of scales fell from my eyes and I saw that my last nine months comprised pleading (of course) followed by relatively commendable pre-DB action (per Telecoach Dottie) culminating with post-DB hope, strategies and this community (that'd be you)

This entire time, the brutal reality of my situation was always either the mission, the focus, or, at the very least, the constant white noise of my every waking minute. True.

And like all of us, I struggled - sincerely and valiantly, I believe - to detach. Soon I began to actually experience some nascent detachment. Today, while driving to IC session I felt - felt - detachment...happen.

After describing the events of yesterday and today -both external and internal - to my IC, he began to comment on it when I interjected, out of nowhere, or, rather, out of somewhere, "Now, me." He asked me, "what was that?" and I repeated, "Now, me." and into my mind popped:

Save YOURSELF. IOW ~~~ being the best Garden Gnome you can be is your job right now. Golly, I sound like Coach But seriously, he would say that and he'd be right. This is the only thing you can control right now.

.

After some more talk and tears I drove home feeling peaceful and feeling a genuine, non fake-it-til-you-make-it PMA begin.

And that's where I am. Thanks for being here.

p.s MAC-ct, how'd you like my soddits? Did I use 'em correctly?