H, S12, and S9 are home. We go out on our boat, and S12 invites his "girlfriend." The kids wakeboard and wakesurf. H wakesurf's, and he says, "W, ok, your turn." Now, I love watersports, but rarely partake, as there's never really enough time for Mom, after everyone else has gone, and I don't particularly care. I'd rather spot, enjoy the boat and water, and drive when they need me to. So, today, I say, "Yep, H, I'm ready. Where's my life jacket?" He likes stuff like that since he's so active. So, I wakesurfed, with H's help, as it had been two years. I bit it once pretty good, and laughed it off. Second attempt was awesome, and I even pulled myself back onto the boat while we were still going!
After that we took the kids to a restaurant on the river to eat, and had a good time. H just left, later, again, than usual. Fun time.
All of this fun, and him seeking me out to make sure I'm having a good time, making sure I have something I like to drink, making sure I see how cute S12 is being w/his girlfriend, etc... And, yet, I'm still in tears (alone) five to six times a day.
It's the loneliest crowd I've ever been in.
All of the restaurants in Lake Geneva we drove by were ones we had gone to on "married" dates just a few years back. I see my S12 with his arm around his gf watching TV, and my H bringing me to see them, makes me remember when he would want to be close to me. Etc. Etc. Etc.
What do I do? I can't live like this. I don't feel attractive because of the extra 20 lbs or so I'm carrying. I can't bring up our R because it leads to nowhere. H loves to make sure I'm having a good time, have what I would want, etc... but hugs the side of the bed when we're in it.
I feel like my head could explode from worry and stress. It's almost harder to enjoy myself with him all day, and live like a normal family. And, then... nothing else.
It's been a long time.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
