First post - was a lurker, now need to talk

[Margali]

Welcome to the board, Margali! You wrote:

You're saying that the two of you can't make love with a *pet* in the same room with you? Is this because of modesty concerns? or will the cat not leave you alone (i.e. pester you for attention)?

(snippage)

If the latter, then some cat training is in order...as much as you can actually train a cat, anyway. If you are consistent and firm about not permitting the cats to come begging for affection and attention while 'Mom' and 'Dad' are otherwise engaged with each other, they'll take the hint quickly enough. You said that your man spoils them -- is he able to be firm and set boundaries for them?

Actually, this has gotten better. Like I said, although he's more obsessive and besotted about the cats than I am, he's also very good with them - as far as anybody can train a cat, he can. He's done amazing work in the past 2 years getting the two of them to accept each other again.

This morning, we made an attempt to "get it on" and the cat in the bedroom left us alone. So, he was okay, the cat was okay, and I was okay....then the alarm clock rang. @#%$!

With regard to your body image and weight concerns, I'm going to repeat something I said to LuckyGirl some months ago:

Girl -- as the old saying goes:

"When you're the only naked woman in the room, to him you're worth a million bucks."

When the woman he loves displays herself sexually for a man, he sees her beauty and wonderful female sexuality only. Her eyes, her smile, her hair, her lucious curves, her legs...AND NO FLAWS. You've heard of 'beer goggles'? Well, in a man, 'arousal goggles' are even better!

You women are far, FAR too hard on yourselves. Learn to see yourself through your man's eyes.

Thank you, Bagheera. It hurts, but we women really do hate our bodies and our looks. That's so sad, bcs really, there are very few people out there that look completely terrible. Almost every person on earth has at least one beautiful feature, and most people have more than one. Why can't we see the good in ourselves? (looks, and personality)

Your man is right in that there is probably something else going on here. Is it just cat troubles? I have a hard time with that one, but timeline fits somewhat. If you would, tell us about the early stages of your relationship, from the intimacy and sexual point of view. What are yours and his personal histories in that regard? I think you may need to dig a little deeper here.

-- Bagheera

In the early stages, we took it kind of slow. We were both fairly recently divorced and I in particular was very gun-shy. I didn't want to jump into sex right away. We met online through Match.com, started e-mailing in November 2001, met IRL in December 2001, and hit it off immediately. We progressed through the stages of physical intimacy and ended up having intercourse for the first time on Valentine's Day 2002.

In June of 2002, I had to move about 100 miles away for a job. For the next 2 years, we spent every weekend together - we took turns visiting each other. Mad sex every Friday night! During that time, his mother died - this was 5.5 years ago, and as you can imagine, it was a deep hurt for him. I gave him some emotional space when he needed it, but we were always still linked.

In spring 2004, he asked me to move in with him, and I agreed to do this. We'd been together for almost 2.5 years by then. I found a job in the town where we now live (where we first met and where he'd lived all along) and we moved in together. And until 2 years ago, it was idyllic. Then, like I said, 2 things happened: 1) the huge cat fight and 2) a new job for me, which was really soaking up a lot of my time and energy.

This man would be perfect if only we had sex more often! Sometimes I think I should just shut up and be glad things are good in the other areas. My man is very sensitive (both in his own feelings, and to others' feelings.) He can read me like a book. Sometimes I wish he'd be more adventurous, but it's not a deal-breaker. My ex-husband was much more un-adventurous. Ironically enough, my ex wanted sex more often than I did. Sometimes I wonder if this situation now is my karmic punishment for not wanting sex w/ my ex when I was married to him.

I was married for about 6 years to an emotionally immature guy with whom I didn't have much in common. I take full responsibility for making the mistake of marrying him in the first place. That was my first real sin against him, and maybe the worst one.

My man was married for longer, something like 12 or 13 years. His wife was a stay-at-home wife (and they had no kids!) and he believes she may have been mentally ill. He says that her parents abused her when she was a kid. He also said that there was hardly any sex in their marriage. I think he felt guilty about leaving her, especially since she was so dependent on him, but he just couldn't stand it any more. I think he likes it that I'm more independent - I've always worked, I have friends, etc.

Anyway, like I said, we took the sex slow to begin with, but it was very good from Feb. 2001 to August or Sept. of 2007. And we have talked about it some. The most recent time was this morning, after our failed attempt that was ruined by the alarm clock. Unfortunately, I said something sarcastic. He said, "We'll try again tonight," and I said, "Yeah, I'll believe that when I see it."

I apologized, and we talked about it. He said that I need to be more aggressive about approaching him - when we're hanging out in the living room after dinner, I could suggest to him that we go in the bedroom. This is good to know, bcs I've been afraid to pursue him too much. (I had traditional parents who taught me that the man always has to be the pursuer, in everything. It took forever for me to even be able to call a guy on the phone!)

Sorry this is getting so long. It just feels so good to be able to tell somebody who seems to understand! I did talk about it with my college friend this weekend, but she has the opposite problem - her husband wants it more than she does!