back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thought so; typical SCRIPT. Thanks.

[Doingitright]

Yep. I am at a loss. This morning was odd. Kissed and hugged me. The past week I had to initiate. Last time I stopped saying ILY and emailing or calling her and she broke. The problem is she might think I really don't want to be in the marriage and start/keep going down this path.

I am looking for some advise from 2nd timers. Don't know what to do. I was gone for 2 days and she still slept in the xtra room. Makes no sense. Kids have noticed and they are acting funny and I can see it intheir eyes when they have to pick whorl sit next to. W and I usually sat together. When watching tv etc. The kids are clearly conflicted and wondering why the other bed. Even in the worst times in the last 6 months we slept in the same bed.

[Doingitright]

Just wanted to say thanks for the posts.

[Doingitright]

So what do you do when....
MC session bites you in the a$$?
An appology is turned into "coming back with your tail between your legs"?
Following your MC's advice you tell wife what is on your minds and she loses it?
W stops taking prescribeed mess and says she is trying to feel well for herself and the kids?
Asking a question and walking away becomes "storming out of the room"?
Things are being given new meaning after the fact. Go to the store becomes driving off in ahuff. Telling the to behave becomes never letting them have fun.

The sudden return of the roomate syndrome has and is taking it's toll on me. I'm not sure of how much more of this I can take. It will be a real test to see if we end up keeping our MC appontment this week. How have others approached the "stopping of the meds". And the flip flopping of reality on a daily basis?

[steady]

The flip flop of reality is script. Don't fight her on it or try to correct it - this will cause her to dig in deeper. I know this first hand. Just validate and move on. You have to internally let go of it otherwise she will feel your attitude.

Sleeping in separate rooms concerns me. I know for me it was another nail in the coffin because you lose that connection. Even if you don't touch or talk in the bed, you are both still there and it creates a connection. I've also heard this from others at this board.

When my W moved into another room we told our kids it was because I was snoring and keeping her awake. I don't know how old your kids are.

You need to GAL. She's even telling you this when she talks about feeling guilty going out with her friends and you stay in the house.

If she's feeling you being controlling then in her eyes you are being controlling - whether you agree or not. It's how SHE is feeling. You need to take a good look at your behavior. If you dig in deep enough you'll probably find part of you actually controlling.

You are focusing too much on what your W is feeling/thinking/doing. You are trying to interpret and figure out what her actions actually mean. You have to let go of this. Her feelings and thoughts will change from minute to minute at times.

Write down what she is complaining about and be brutally honest with yourself - figure out what you need to change about yourself and then do it. Take your time looking at it and dig deep into yourself. It's typical to want to 'know' what's going on inside your W. This is a control issue. If somehow you could figure it out, you can steer the sitch where YOU want it to go. Control is an illusion.

[Doingitright]

Ou are right. I went through this from feb to June. There is not much more life I can get or afford to get. I am home because she is with the kids all day and needs a break From them. I never came home on time from work. So now I beeline for home as best I can. Those were some of my 180'a. The complaint that I have been told this time around are need to go more so when she goes out she does not feel guilty. Tough as I am starting to travel more for work. That was it.

We had no discussions until last evening since she moved into the other room. I guess what I am struggling with is how to keep ny connections with her. A kiss good morning and night. A touch if I can possibly sit next to her on the couch. I am not sure on these except I can do them until she says she is not comfortable or does not wnt them to occur.

I think a portion of this "problem" has to do with her wanting to go to school and "our" decision to hold off til sept 2010. She chased down everything and did school visits and didn't say a word until I overheard a conversation and called her on it.

I also have these bouts with what the reality of the sitch is...W talking about what we will do in the fall with he kids and the house. Not sure if I should put things on the table for the future.

[steady]

Ou are right. I went through this from feb to June. There is not much more life I can get or afford to get. I am home because she is with the kids all day and needs a break From them. I never came home on time from work. So now I beeline for home as best I can. Those were some of my 180'a. The complaint that I have been told this time around are need to go more so when she goes out she does not feel guilty. Tough as I am starting to travel more for work. That was it.

GAL with the kids. Take them out. Take them for ice cream, to the park, to ride bikes, for a water balloon fight on the front lawn. Take them out somewhere on the weekends - find a new playground, go to a petting zoo, go out to lunch, pack a picnic and a blanket and find a spot for them to play, (not sure the age of your kids), etc... there are tons of things to do if you really want to do it...

We had no discussions until last evening since she moved into the other room. I guess what I am struggling with is how to keep ny connections with her. A kiss good morning and night. A touch if I can possibly sit next to her on the couch. I am not sure on these except I can do them until she says she is not comfortable or does not wnt them to occur.

Hard one to answer. She may not like it and not say anything to you. You're gonna need advice from someone else on this..hopefully they will chime in. You're going to have to learn how to read the moment and decide what action to take. I took the path of only having my W initiate those things....in hindsight I'm not sure that was the best thing for me to do.

I think a portion of this "problem" has to do with her wanting to go to school and "our" decision to hold off til sept 2010. She chased down everything and did school visits and didn't say a word until I overheard a conversation and called her on it.

So all she did was investigative work? Support her in this. It doesn't mean she's signing up tomorrow and paying. She may just be going through the preliminary motions in order to at least FEEL independent. I have found a lot of the WAW are starving for a feeling of being their own person. Re-address the issue with her as far as the investigative work...support and encourage her in this. Dig in, you'll find a fear you have of her going to school... what's your fear that you feel a need to control her in this area? (meeting someone else, getting financially stable so she can then leave you, less dependence on you?... take a good look inside yourself)

I also have these bouts with what the reality of the sitch is...W talking about what we will do in the fall with he kids and the house. Not sure if I should put things on the table for the future.

Is your W bringing these up or are you thinking about brining them up? If it's you, then it's a control issue again. Let go. Detach.

[Doingitright]

More questions...
Do you keep saying ILY to keep the connection alive? I stopped the first time and she called me on it. Not so sure his time.
Do you stop doing the kiss goodnight and goodmorning? This stayed throughout the dark times.
Do you stop the calls in the afternoon to ask how things are going so she can vent on how the kids are on her last raw nerve? I don't want W to use that against me later...
Do you try and start conversations like normal adults or leave it uncomfortably quite with no interaction?
Also, what do you do when it seems like W is competing with you for the kids attention and hearts? Doing or giving them whatever they want. Candy, games, toys from the store?
Do I keep doing things with my W that we have always done?
I ask these questions because no matter how my times I have the books it just makes sense in these cases. This seems to the last chance at anything. And it is seeming like the slimest chance at this point.

[Doingitright]

Steady Thanks...sometimes it takes another person to see what is right in front of my eyes.
On 1 - the kids point taken. I lose site of that when all this starts to happen. D9 S5

On 2 - I will keep on keepin on until she says something.

On 3 - We didnt have the money or babysitters to take care of the kids (+ i travel for work around this time of year) so we said makes sense to do it when they are full time in school ('10). She did research and found a place that had evenings. I said that is huge. That makes a big difference, lets talk when I get back from my trip and see how we can work this out. She has said nothing in 5 days.

On 4 - She brought up lets do this or that in the yard or around the house in the fall. And lets get the kids in this or that. W then drops it. So I say I will or we can or lets discuss and W acts like nothing was ever said. I just dont want to read anything into it. And I am not sure if I can bring things up that we could/should do in the future as it might seem pushy or presumptuous.

[Doingitright]

Interesting update. Started discussion with W. W moved it to a discussion of school and costs. Asked about the loans and school times. With loan and all other stuff plus kid sitter to cover while I am still at work it is a tidy sum which we just don't have. Plus a good sum next 30 months + downpayment. Funny thing is she is comfortable with talking about this money situation and not our over all money situation. Which is huge do to medical bills and a lot of them.

I am just stumped. I am kinda getting the feeling like she cares not about the overall situation just about hers. Tomorrow will be interesting.