You want to find a C that is pro-marriage, and solutions oriented.
She really doesn't know what she wants, but she knows want she doesn't want right now - to be married to you and in that house. My WAW is the same right now.
H35 W34 S4 | T-10 yrs M-6 yrs WAW said M over 04/09 | Living separate since 09/09 Thread #1 Thread #2 Thread #3
Well we had another big talk last night. And then she must have called me 4 times already today. Last night she really laid out why she felt we were incompatible. She basically said that being with me she always felt like she was racing to be good enough for me, and that she never felt as loved as she should have. She acknowledged that she is a very insecure person and that she is very needy and she basically laid out an argument for how that, coupled with the way that I am, makes a formual for unhappiness.
Today I find myself wondering if she is right. I mean I love her, but maybe we are fundamentally incompatible. We have vastly different educational backgrounds, and family backgrounds, and vastly different goals in life. I am finally at the point where there are breaks in her argument. She emailed me to say that she just can't let me go and that she still loves me, but I'm not sure if I should bust this divorce or not. I detached so thoroughly, that I am starting to wonder if this is the right thing for me to do.
By the way it is not like she is breaking down my door. She is still with OM and still wants divorce and to sell our house. I can just see that if I fight for our marriage, there is a real chance I can save it. I don't know what to do. Help.
Well we had another big talk last night. And then she must have called me 4 times already today. Last night she really laid out why she felt we were incompatible. She basically said that being with me she always felt like she was racing to be good enough for me, and that she never felt as loved as she should have. She acknowledged that she is a very insecure person and that she is very needy and she basically laid out an argument for how that, coupled with the way that I am, makes a formula for unhappiness.
Believe nothing she says and only 1/2 of what she does. Straight English, read 12 times a day.
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Today I find myself wondering if she is right. I mean I love her, but maybe we are fundamentally incompatible. We have vastly different educational backgrounds, and family backgrounds, and vastly different goals in life. I am finally at the point where there are breaks in her argument. She emailed me to say that she just can't let me go and that she still loves me, but I'm not sure if I should bust this divorce or not. I detached so thoroughly, that I am starting to wonder if this is the right thing for me to do.
Give yourself a week to think about this. You are on the roller coaster and detached or not, this will probably be different after you give it some thought.
We all have doubts in our weakest moments. Sometimes we are so angry that they could do this, treat us this way.... but then within a day we are sad or ..... you get the picture.
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By the way it is not like she is breaking down my door. She is still with OM and still wants divorce and to sell our house. I can just see that if I fight for our marriage, there is a real chance I can save it. I don't know what to do. Help.
I don't think you really don't know what to do here.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thank you very much wifey. This place is the last place I can go where anyone still wants me to save this marriage. Last night my father, who really believes in marriage and has always been in the "work it out" camp basically told me there is no way to have a marriage with someone who acts like my w. has. He basically told me to move on. It is hard to keep the faith. But I do still love her. I feel like a fool, but I do still love her.
Spoke to her today and we agreed to go to a counselor. She emphasized the point that it is to have a better post divorce relationship. She also admitted some interesting things. She said that her whole life came to a boil in this. She said our marriage failed, but that so much just came to the surface with her relationship with her parents, her inability to be herself, etc. I asked her why she couldn't agree to go to counseling and not see anybody in the meantime. She started to explain why she couldn't be with me. I said, "That's fine, but why can't you just be by yourself for a month." She said "I can't." I tell you it is moments like that that make me question the marriage. She really can't be by herself for 2 weeks. She needs a guy to justify her existence. That's just terrible. I'm going into the counseling with an open mind, but I am just learning more and more the depth of her insecurities.
OK. So we are going to counseling tomorrow. Here is a basic question -- to what extent should I be exploring my issues with her (both before and after the request for divorce)? Do I approach this to say let's address her issues now, and once we have reconciled work through my concerns? That doesn't seem right. Any advice from folks DBing through counseling?
I read Michelle's guide and then interviewed a counselor. I definitely found one who believes in action oriented therapy. She disavowed any value judegements in terms of a prejudice toward divorce or marriage, but intuitively I felt she wa son the right level there. We'll see, but I think she is a good bet.
I'm curious Mac, how am I rushing it? Is it the reference to "once we're reconciled?" Becuse I really meant that more in a theoretical sense.
It's really funny. I think I detached so much that back in June I just accepted that this marriage was over. But the wheels kept turning and now tomorrow we go into counseling. Just funny. I still want this marriage, but I don't need it. I know I can do this on my own if I need to. I know I can make a happy life for myself and for my children wither way.
The question I am asking above and that I feel I am not articulating well is -- how do I treat counseling? Do I lay it all on the table when the counselor asks questions? Or do I focus on DB principals even in the counseling session? Should I expect some pull-back from her just because we are going to counseling (my guess is yes).
