Just Keep Livin' #3

[JKL2009]

Thanks. Yeah, I think I have been doing that (specific, targeted, genuine compliments every now and then). Shows appreciation and attention rather than just sucking up.

[SavingMyMarriage]

Hi JKL,

I've been away from these forums for a while, and just read most of your posts.

I'm probably not the best person to give advice or feedback (since it's been difficult to ctrl my emothions), but I'm slowly learning what to do the hard way. Here's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

I think it's good that you can make your W laugh and that she is receptive to your compliments. Most of the time when I give my W compliments, she thinks they're insincere. If I say, that shirt looks good on you -- the pink color looks good with your skin tone, she quietly says thx w/o looking at me. Or, if I say those pants look good on you, she'll say, ok, great, thx and sometimes she won't respond at all (maybe w/ an "ok").

Jody, the DB coach said the same thing -- give specific descriptive compliments. She suggested that I say them before we part so that she doesn't get an opportunity to say thx or feel obligated to respond. Most of the time this didn't work well for me, but that's because my W wasn't receptive to it (her mind was some place else). Jody also suggested using words that I don't usually use (step out of my comfort zone), since I did a very poor job of noticing her and giving her compliments. It's sounds a little weird, but she suggested saying something like, that blouse looks stunning on you... I'm a little conservative so it was difficult to make a jump like that...

As for the scratching her back or any type of physical touching, my W is hot and cold too. Up until the end of March she was semi receptive to it. I've stopped the physcial contact in early April, so now if I put my hand on her shoulder, she wants me to remove it. Now I just touch her back lightly to show I care. She seems okay with that. So, I understand where you are coming from, but it seems that you have something good here. My situation is a little different since my W is having an affair and is in deep love w/ OM. Sometimes I can make her laugh or she'll be receptive to a compliment -- it's not that often though...

Anyway, my point of this post is that it appears you have some good things going for you and I would encourage you NOT to give up.

[JKL2009]

Thanks for your post SMM, it always helps to have folks offer their thoughts and view.

[JKL2009]

Last night we both got home late, WAW was very chatty and telling me about interesting stuff going on at her work. I listened. She made a comment about some goings on with the company she works for, and said "we should buy some stock" in it because it looks like some big things are happening. Heck of a comment, eh?

This morning, I'm getting ready for work and she says to me "I love that shirt" as I walk into the bedroom after getting dressed. I thanked her!

[givingitmyall]

This morning, I'm getting ready for work and she says to me "I love that shirt" as I walk into the bedroom after getting dressed. I thanked her!

And so, the worm is (MIGHT BE) turning!!

Stick with the plan (you are) and see where it goes. This does sound promising.

But, (and I don't think you will do this) don't jump at the first time she says she wants to work on the M (if she does). She needs to want you and the M, and she needs to feel some concern that it may not be as easy as she may think.

[JKL2009]

I think we are a ways off from that but indeed I keep that in the back of my head if it does come up.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"Slow and steady, wins the race."

[givingitmyall]

"Slow and steady, wins the race."

I need to frame that.

[JKL2009]

Friday night WAW planned to go out after work for "going away happy hour" for cowokers. I went to get S, had called late in the afternoon and sent email to wife with Q, never heard back. Pretty sure she left work around 3pm or so, though she said 5pm. She got back late, around 1am. Said she was out at some places around town. Saw her clothes the next day had a lot of dog hair on them. Hmm... weird. The guy she may be/been involved in some level with has dogs...

Rest of weekend was just fine. Spent a fair amount of time together. WAW tired a lot lately, doesn't "feel good" at times. Sat afternoon after a big day of playing with kid and stuff, she was sitting in the chair resting and said her feet were killing her. I gave her a long, good foot rub. She closed her eyes and rested. She also has some tight IT issues from running, so I worked on those for a bit as well. She said I should get a job doing that since I am so good at it!

Sunday had another agent come by to get opinion on selling house. Once we get info back we'll see what happpens.

Another weekend, another set of conflicting circumstances, unclear thoughts, and limbo. That is OK by mek I am going fine.

[JKL2009]

Last 2 days have been good, almost like we were a couple. Weird. WAW still having some trouble sleeping and not feeling good. Clearly has seem things bothering her inside. Is it doubt and second guessing? Is it stress just wanting to be free and away? Don't know, doesn't matter, doing my thing and focusing on myself.