We can make too much of this question of who is/was the a**hole in the marriage. This is why if and when you reconcile, you have to agree to not bring up the past anymore. I can say without a doubt that when my H was having his affair, he was an a** to me. And now that we get along, he is a nice guy. He is accommodating and thoughtful. If I spent time remembering what an a** he was and assumed that that is who he is, then we wouldn't and couldn't get along. And probably the same is true for me. To get along we have to allow the spouse to be a different person than they used to be.
