The other interesting thing I am noticing is that he is getting snippier with me. Nitpicking at things & if I say I am sorry, not even acknowledging it. I don't let it bother me, just an observation. I wonder if it is because I am going forward & being happier w/myself.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
The other interesting thing I am noticing is that he is getting snippier with me. Nitpicking at things & if I say I am sorry, not even acknowledging it. I don't let it bother me, just an observation. I wonder if it is because I am going forward & being happier w/myself.
If his nitpicking and snippiness are not over serious, legitimate issues, I wouldn't even apologize. Apology can make you seem ingratiating, needy, and clinging.
If I had my guess, (and it is only a guess- you are closer to your sitch than I am) your moving forward & being happier with yourself has something to do with it. Also his inability to identify and deal with his issues within himself. Him trying to blame you for all his problems isn't working, and he knows it deep down.
I'm glad to hear that you're not letting it get to you. Odds are that (just like little kids tantrums), he will have completely forgotten about it tomorrow. (Or sooner even!)
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
I don't know why, but I'm in a great mood today! I think it's because I have so much fun stuff planned for myself. My kids are going away for 2 weeks - WAH, I will miss them! I hate having them gone now when I am in this situation bc I always have them to do fun things with...but alas, I have to come up w/things to do now on my own for a bit...they leave tomorrow morning:
Tomorrow night MC - ahhh...don't want to go! Wed. maybe a movie Thurs. Happy Hour w/a friend Friday party at a friend's house Sat. - just got invited to someone's house from our Sunday school class, then dinner w/someone from DB bb!
Must think of things to do the following Sunday thru Wed...then it's off to Chicago again to see my friends & family. Truly cannot wait.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Well nothing new to report...H had a bball game this evening so he just walked in the door about 1/2 hour ago. My kids will be leaving first thing tomorrow morning & I shall miss them dearly. I know that they will have a great time w/MIL at the beach in FL. And, as I said before, I have lots to keep me busy. I am meeting w/a new client Saturday morning which helps out greatly & I am looking forward to the things I have planned while they are away.
Good night!
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Read through most of your thread. Your H sounds a lot like mine!Particularly with the strong MIL. Mine isn`t NPD(at least I`d never considered that she was before this....better go have a rethink...) but she is an incredibly forceful,interfering woman. Since she became involved in our M, (H told her....I wouldn`t have in a million years... and like you keep my mouth zipped...)H has gotten so so so much angrier.
Yeah, me pulling back GALing my ass off made him snippier too. I honestly can look back from the very first weeks of my detaching(Mach says I wasn`t fully implementing LRT, but I was trying!Honest Mach!)and see week by week little crazy things he`d do to try and upset my balance.
Yeah, it felt like I`m a skittle he`s the ball for a long time. Got some weight anchoring me now though.
I found for me that the snippyness built up til H would have a crazy blow up out of the blue. That sometimes dislodged my anchor though the most recent one hasn`t
You anchor is your GAL stuff. Exactly what you`re doing right now. Your anchor is knowing the part in the dance that H wants you to play-(H just wants to see me get angry or upset or both)and just NOT doing it.
How much childhood stuff is your H playing out on you? Probably all of it. My H`s most recent explosion happened straight after a phone call from MIL. Coincidence, eh?Didn`t even hang up the phone just came straight after me to attack me.
Like the sound of that therapist in Hawaii. My H went to two mediocre Counsellors who did more harm than good. I`ve found a brill therapist for me. Because we`ve all got stuff that we need to sort out and this is my time for me too!
I hope your time alone is wonderful. The time on your side thing-I know others explained it and I think they were right. Also look at it like this, time give you the opportunity to not ACT out of emotions but to clear your head and reason things out. That way, there are no regrets.
I too agree about apologizing. Don't do it for something unless it really is warranted. It serves several purposes. It takes you out of the weak, submissive, accepting responsibility for everything role, which ultimately makes you feel weak. It makes your real apologies seem like they are more genuine. Because your standard answer is not I'm sorry.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thanks for checking out my thread! I can use all the opinions I can get.
Cat - that makes sense regarding the time being on your side to not act on emotions. This is a lesson I have REALLY learned through all of this. I guess I apologized that time just to feel H out. To see if he would soften and say - oh no big deal. Like he normally would. I won't be doing it anymore particularly if he isn't owed one.
FG - The weird thing about my H is that he does not have outbursts. He has a VERY good "mask" and I believe he has even fooled our MC. She really believes that he is just a guy who let resentments build up inside of him until he was ready to walk away. Does she believe the resentments are legitimate or just TRUTH for him? I don't know. Do I believe some of his complaints are legitimate? yes I do, but everytime he is asked if he ever voiced anything to me, he says no. Which leads me to believe that many resentments were "made up" in order to re-write the marital history. The only time he has let me see the depth of his anger were a few times in counseling.
Questions for you & I know everyone is sick of the same ones, but...
1. I see no evidence of OW. Let me tell you I am one smart cookie & darn sneaky at that, I can't find a thing. Oh I believe there COULD be one, but if there isn't it's one thing that doesn't fit w/MLC.
2. I see no evidence of financial abuse.
3. Aside from him being gone all the time playing bball & fishing (which I attribute to him wanting to get away from ME), I don't see any type of disconnect from the kids or any of his other responsibilites. He will tickle the kids, put them to bed, coaching S's football team, etc.
On to the NPD MIL (She has not been diagnosed as such, but I KNOW she would be). Let me tell you a story to illustrate the way she is. When we first got married, she convinced us to move from FL to VA. She told us we could move in w/her until we got jobs & could find a house. She told us we would have the Master BR since we were newlyweds & she would move into the maids quarters on the first level. We get to VA & find her still in the MBR. She tells us the 1st level BR was too dark for her so she is going to stay in the master! That was one of the only reasons I agreed to move to VA! The first Christmas we were there, we spent it w/my parents in PA being that we saw MIL everyday in her house. I had just started a job & H was still looking at that point, so we didn't have much money. We bought her a nice Christmas banner bc she loves to decorate her house for the holidays to the hilt. H calls MIL on Xmas morning to wish her a Merry Xmas & she is crying & basically hangs up on him. She did have people to spend Xmas with so she wasn't alone, but I thought she was just sad that we weren't there. I said - call her back & tell her you are sorry we are not there with her. She was hysterical & telling H she couldn't believe we got her something that she wouldn't even want! When we came home, our gift was laying on our bed. She had returned it to us bc it wasn't good enough! She was mad at us for weeks over this...
Needless to say, now I am paranoid that anytime I buy her a gift it will be wrong! Another year, we bought her an electronic crossword puzzle gadget from Sharper Image. She did puzzles ALL the time. She sent H an email afterwards letting him know that we obviously don't know her bc she doesn't do crossword puzzles anymore. She wanted to know if we would either like the gift back or she could re-gift it to someone else.
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Wow, you really have me beat on the MIL thing. Mine is bad, full of guilt, bribery, paranoia (when she was living here the neighbor put trash in his trunk and she decided that he had cut up his W and was disposing of the body because the W hadn't been seen in two days, on vacation), and of course no one can do anything right, no one considers her, everyone just wants her money (she has none) and it is everyone else's fault that she has nothing, no house, no car, etc... Well she always wanted to live in an apartment because she did not want the responsibility of owning a house. She had a company car. One person, one car. When she got rid of the company car she COULD have gotten her own. And her sons, well, let's just say that they are both screwed up and all she does is manipulate them to try to get them to still take care of mommy.
You know, I have read a lot of things about inlaws lately and three things keep sticking in my head. The Bible states that a man should leave his family and cleave unto his W. Which to me says, you still love your parents but your wife and the family you create with her are to be your focus. I recently read study results that said that for every 100 miles separating inlaws impacts the ability of a M to last. The third was actually about a law they have in Italy that says a W can require MIL to stay away if she is creating issues in the M. Things that just make you think.
Stop trying to please her. When I did that, it was extremly empowering for me. Although my mother thinks I'm wrong and that it is causing more damage in my M, I told H, she is your mother, if you want to expose yourself to her and her ways, that is your choice. I love her but I will not be a party to it anymore.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
