I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[The Wifey]

Beepee,

Please read the book The Gaslight Effect. It may help you understand why people are saying these things to you. People assume roles in their relationships.

I am not one that would tell you to give up hope. I would, however, encourage you to think in terms of what you want in a relationship. Perhaps this will be with your H, perhaps with someone else.

If it is to be with your H, then you have to work on you, yourself. And you need to learn and operate from the point of view of what you would want your new r and then M to look like.

Certainly the old patterns and roles were destructive for both of you or you wouldn't be where you are. They can get better - but it starts with you.

[beepee]

Hi Trixi:
Thanks so much for your input.

I think this time would be well spent at considering how he has treated you.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time and believe me, EVERYONE around me have been continuously reminding me about how badly he's treated me. Except for my BF, she thinks we're THE BEST match she's ever seen and she knows me very well. But I do want to focus on the positives as well.

Flaws that unless HE says he wants to change them, will only make you miserable.

I have to move forward in all of this with positivity. I am scared to proceed that way though because like you said, it might only make me miserable. But I have always maintained that people change and I hope that he will change. I have hope that in time, he will admit to his flaws and want to change. A few days before he walked away from me, he asked me to please go see a C and I said I wouldn't go unless he went to see someone himself. And he said no, because he doesn't think he needs to change and he doesn't think he had any problems that warranted speaking with a C. A few hours later, after a lot of crying, he came up to me and said, "OK, I will see someone." That gave me so much hope. And even though he's gone now and never went to see someone, that to me was a huge change in him, from years of sayng he doesn't need help, to agreeing to see someone. My happiness was shortlived of course because he left me a few days after but can you see my hope? I don't want to be naive. But I don't want to be negative either. I believe in a human being's capacity to change oneself, and I certainly have hope for the person I love. There's only so much effort and so much time I can give to this, but until I reach that point, I'm going to continue believing that he can change.

Not being able to have a relationship that lasts longer than a year when you're 37--that says there is a problem with intimacy

I agree. I think he's much too smug. He believes he knows more than anyone else (though he would never admit it), he doesn't back down and feels his opinions are always right. I think his ego and confidence (too much), have gotten in the way of all of his relationships to be honest. But according to him, I'm responsible for him losing all the confidence he has. Which says a lot about how I mean to him and how powerful of an effect I can have on him. Which in turn gives me hope that if I change who I am for the better, he might see that and it might affect him in positive ways. Am I making sense here? I hope so!

Part of being able to love someone else is loving yourself first.

I'm working very hard on this right now!!

Would you want your best friend to be ignored? belittled? to feel badly about herself?

NO WAY! And I have voiced my opinions to my BF about the way her boyfriend treats her. But, just like what I believe, she believes no one can fully understand what goes on in a relationship except for the 2 people in it. And I trust that she will do whats best for her and I give her BF benefit of the doubt. She's very supportive of me trying to get the H back and she tried really hard to get me to see things from his perspective whenever I get mad and angry at what he's done to me. Everyone has their problems, everyone behaves a certain way for a reason. I have tried to understand his behaviors but I have learned that there is no point in that.

All in all, I just want to be able to forgive, to move on, to believe in change, and to give him some benefit of the doubt - something I failed to give him when we were together.

[beepee]

Do you think these are positive qualities for a person in a marriage to display?

Not at all, I didn't want him to do any of that and I have always told him this. I always told him that what he's doing is not the way I need reassurance from him that he will never cheat on me again, but to him, his behaviors and everything he was doing for me was his way of showing he was sorry and he felt like I was being ungrateful.

But I just wrote that because I wanted to get the point across that I didn't think he was playing me. Do you know what I mean? Because he wouldn't have done anything at all if he was.

[beepee]

Please read the book The Gaslight Effect.

I'll add it to my list! I'm falling very far behind in terms of reading all the books everyone's been recommending.

I would, however, encourage you to think in terms of what you want in a relationship.

I have thought about this many times. And it seems to change everytime I think about it. It may be due to my inexperience being in relationships, but after he left, and having read up on SO MANY books and talking to my C and adding my own experiences (with the little that I have) into the mix, I have a pretty good idea of what I want in a relationship, and certainly know what I don't want! If my H doesn't change, then I will not be getting back together with him, even if he wanted to. I would only go into it again knowing that he WANTS to change and that he's aware of his flaws.

Certainly the old patterns and roles were destructive for both of you or you wouldn't be where you are. They can get better - but it starts with you.

AGREED 100%! If I do end up with my H again, I don't want the old patterns and roles to be in the new R. And if I'm not with him and with someone else, I will have learned enough from experience not to bring those old habits into the new R.

The biggest thing that I've learned is that everything starts with me. I can't make him change, I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. But I can change myself and I have been working on it and will continue to. I have a long way to go and I won't jump into any R (with or without my H) before I reach that point where I'm happy within myself. That's the only way that my future Rs will be successful.

[Trixi]

Hey BP-
I totally "get" that people can change. And they DO change. But they only change once they want to. If they do it to appease someone else it won't stick.

Mostly, I just wanted you to step out of the situation a bit. Thinking about whether or not some other woman would put up with his bad behavior is a red flag to me. Like I said before, it makes me say "why would YOU put up with the behavior?"

Okay, so near the end he said he would go to counseling. That's great. But, for now, he isn't interested in pursuing that. This is YOUR time to stretch your wings, find yourself again. Break the patterns.

If you guys do reconcile, do you want to go back to what it was? Have you read any of the co-dependent books? Those might be good. Sort of goes hand in hand with the boundaries books.

For now, you sound like you are making lots of progress- good job.

[beepee]

Thanks Trixi!

But they only change once they want to.

I am hoping that one day soon, he will realize his negative behaviors. I hope he decides to look back at all his past relationships and realise that they all failed, not just as a result of the women in them, but that he played a part as well.

Mostly, I just wanted you to step out of the situation a bit.

I tried to do this, because I do ask myself the same question. Why would I put up with his behavior? And like I said before, the only reason is because I love him and believe he can change. I don't want to be like him, he left me because he doesn't think I can change and that hurts to know that the person you love doesn't think you're capable of becoming a better person. If we were to ever get back together, however, I would not go into unless he wants to change.

This is YOUR time to stretch your wings, find yourself again. Break the patterns

It certainly is my time!! And I'm not going to worry about whether or not he's going to change his behaviors, because first of all, we're not together and don't even know if we will ever be back together, and secondly, I have spent too much time worrying about him. I have to focus on myself now and change myself for the better, not for him, not for anyone, only for me.

If you guys do reconcile, do you want to go back to what it was?

Never, I'd want to start off fresh and new.

Have you read any of the co-dependent books?

Not books but I have read up a lot about it on the internet.

you sound like you are making lots of progress- good job.

Thanks! I was so sick of feeling bad about myself and crying and crying over and over again. It just wasn't a good place for me to stay in for as long as I did. But I'm happy witht he progress I've made and look forward to finding inner peace and happiness.

[beepee]

journaling..

What another muggy day. My arms are sticking to the laptop and desk, I hate that feeling!! The thunder and lightning last night was absolutely amazing. I love how the flash of lightning lights up my room in the middle of the night. Its so pretty!

I'm pretty tired and still sleepy today, I couldn't sleep because of the heat. I can't wait for fall! My favorite season, I just love that transition from late summer to early fall. The beautiful colors, the crisp air. Magic.

OMG, its way too hot, I have to go take a shower or stand in front of the fan.

[Gardener]

Beep,

You're just beepin' along, aren't ya?
Go, girl! And GAL, gal!

[beepee]

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Watch out! Here comes the girl with the new bike and her pretty little basket!! She's not gonna stop for anyone!!

[beepee]

Had a nice COLD refreshing shower and have been working on some stuff. Waves of sadness come and go but I'm not going to let him get to me. The more I think about it, the more I question why I want him back. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to know anything about my life. He ignores me. He just doesn't seem to care at all. I guess its easier to move on when he's being such a pr*ck. If he was emailing me constantly, it'd be much harder to get over him. Ok no more H talk. It's going to make me really sad.

Here are my goals for today:

1) Finish fixing up ebay items currently live

2) Go to the bank and deposit money

3) Ask B to finish cosigning papers and send in application today!!

4) Do Laundry (MUST MUST MUST MUST!!)

5) Find more things to put up on ebay.

6) Reward myself with an all natural fruit smoothie at Coffee shop down the road!