Wow, things just get more and more confusing for me. I saw my W Saturday to pick up the kids, and she was VERY angry at me. Had the kids ready for me, then coldly said "Okay, bye," then started walking to her car, as she was going to work out. Now, I'm trying not to fall into the same bad habit as before, but also wanted to somehow continue our discussion, so I just said "W, hold on." She stopped, I got the kids in the car and closed the doors. She stood and waited for me. She was acting all cold and angry, but she clearly wanted to talk. I made a point to not apologize, but rather to just tell her I wanted to continue to work with her, and that I know letting my anger get the best of me wasn't helping. I said I was feeling taken advantage of. She was sad and said "You sure made it clear I need to take of myself, and you're right, I do." I just stood and nodded my head. I said I was tired of all this, tired of missing the kids, tiring of worrying about them, tired of living in limbo, and that I just wanted to move on with my life. She softened and said "Why don't we just sit down and get this done." I said okay. The kids were getting ancy, so she said "We can talk more later, go enjoy your time with the kids." I left.
Now, later that day, I was making plans to take the kids to a baseball game on Sunday. I had come upon some free tickets, and I had an extra one, so I contemplated inviting my W. I went back and forth several times during the day on whether to or not. I finally decided to do it, just to see how she would react. I sent her a simple text message saying she was welcome to come with us if she wanted to. I assumed she would say no thanks, but she immediately texted back with a very happy and thankful acceptance of my offer. Later she e-mailed me and thanked me again, and said how much she was looking forward to going. This is the same day she was so cold and angry toward me!
So last night we went to the game with all the kids. I admit I purposely looked my absolute best, and even put on a hint of colonge. Picked up W and we were all happy and joking around. She made one quick comment about our mediation, and said she'd agree to most of my points. Then we went and just had fun. Our youngest daughter sat between us at the game and at one point grabbed each of our hands and pulled them into her lap on top of one another. We left them like that for a while until I pulled mine back. On the way home I said I needed to go the grocery store, so when we got back to W's place, she said she could get the kids cleaned up while I went to the store. When I got back I loaded up the kids to go back to my house. She turned to me and said she had a great time and we had a long tight hug.
The whole night was so fun, and I managed to not fall into a trap of reattaching much, but I'm left with the question of why isn't that enough for her? We do great together! How can she go and have such a great time, and not have it really mean anything? What's missing?
