I see the disagreement between you and your H clearly - it sounds the same as ours.
The only difference is that my W has recently started working again, and is now complaining about the workload from paying the bills, etc. I think she would be glad for me to do it going forward - as long as I don't try to go back and check into what she did in the past.
As for my procrastinating, not paying bills on time, etc. (Just like your H...) this is not something I need to do for my W, this is something I need to fix for me. I've never liked this about myself. Besides, if we do end up D'd, then I'll have to handle this for myself in the future, so I'd better learn now.
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Journaling: Angry with W today - not because of our Sitch or our R, but just from a childcare crisis that she dumped in my lap today - exacerbated by way she brushed off my frustration with the impact on my workday - typical lack of communication stuff.
It did cause me to start down the mental thought road of "How inconsiderate, how selfish, just like her mother (brushing off any impact her actions have on others)...do I really want to be married to her" -- Stop!! That's not going to get me anywhere! Besides, I am really just frustrated because the problem hit me at the same time as an unplanned (an partially self inflicted) "crisis" at work.
Little things like this seem to spin me up right now because I am already generally angry and feeling taken advantage of.
I'm calm now.
Don't Rock the boat.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
It did cause me to start down the mental thought road of "How inconsiderate, how selfish, just like her mother (brushing off any impact her actions have on others)...do I really want to be married to her" -- Stop!! That's not going to get me anywhere! Besides, I am really just frustrated because the problem hit me at the same time as an unplanned (an partially self inflicted) "crisis" at work.
Little things like this seem to spin me up right now because I am already generally angry and feeling taken advantage of.
My father always said there were only two things married people fight about: money and sex. If you are already arguing about one, don't start in on the other.
...and one more: children
Just thinking a bit: Hendrix talks about the "Power Struggle" in marriage - the fight to define the R and your joint lives in the way you want it to be defined.
Money, Sex and Children seem to be the three control points that influence one's whole life and joint R.
Money controls comfort, security, enjoyment, status, outward success, and how you prioritize those to meet your own beliefs and goals. It comes out as fights over budgets.
Sex is a representation of Love, affection, intimacy, and the whole ball of expectations you each have for the primary R in your life. It comes out as fights over frequency, etc.
Children is a proxy for each of your feelings about family, morals, values, religion, etc as you each try imbue your children with your views and priorities. It comes out as fights over discipline.
Since everyone has different "truths" about the world and believes their views and priorities are correct (I know I do ), it is no wonder we end up fighting about these 3 things.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
So it makes sense that we need to have the most honest and on-going dialouges in these three areas. Exactly why the conflict-avoiding (Mr Nice guy) behaviors are unhealthy. In a perfect world how should we approach this dialouge(s)?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm not saying avoid the dialogues forever. I'm saying avoid the dialogues until you have learned healthy communication techniques. They are already signed up for Retrouvaille. They will get the training. After that they will be ready to tackle some issues. But before you start the project, you need to learn to use the tools.
I wasn't responding to you Sara just thinking out loud to the universe. The tools and techniques are what I was interested in. I understand where Think is. I am wanting to improve my communication skills with these tough issues. I hang out here to keep learning.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So it makes sense that we need to have the most honest and on-going dialouges in these three areas. Exactly why the conflict-avoiding (Mr Nice guy) behaviors are unhealthy. In a perfect world how should we approach this dialouge(s)?
Don't have an easy answer for you Coach, although it becomes a checklist for areas you should have discussions.
I know that in my R with Mrs. Thinker, all three were areas we avoided talking about - each for our own reasons. My root cause issue was a joint inability to have open dialogs on difficult topics - that is what we need to address.
@Sara, I agree that this is not the time for big discussions, but is a great time for small steps. I had a short discussion with W this afternoon where she again complained about the burden the family financial mgmt puts on her while she is also simultaneously a SAHM and trying to get her career restarted (evenings and weekends). Right now I think she would really appreciate the help and the sharing of responsibility. Point taken however - avoid the big discussions for now.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Sitting here cracking up while reading Stosny & Love's "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It". The first chapters are ringing so true that I have to either laugh or cry, and I chose the former.
Between crisis sessions at work I spent some time clearing up some of our household bills that have been waiting on me - starting to TCB a bit better.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
), it is no wonder we end up fighting about these 3 things.