Ken, can you please get me at B police station at 5:30 tonight? I need you to sign the payment agreement and get it stamped by the police? Thank you
Me:
We will go through the budget either at home or the court. Your choice honey. Help me help you. Love u. Speak later. Hugs
Bit busy right now. Hugs.
W:
I cannot go on maybe. Asked for R2500. That must be ewasy for you. We can get the agreement signed by the police today or I can go ahead. This is your shout.
Me:
Bye honey. Refer to last SMS. Meet discuss show agree. Not my choice it's yours. We have not agreed to anything. You tell me what you want is all.
And it's only a MAYBE because I only get paid TOMORROW.
("your shout" is typical of what she (J the "friend") would say). Mac
Still pulling my W's strings. The BAG!
I also get the strong feeling that some amount of desperation is creeping in here.
Where the heck do I go from here? It's gone very quiet. Maybe she's chewing it over?
Thinking about letting her make the next move. Can't do anything until tomorrow now. Not even worried about if W has cancelled the court date. Actually wish she's going ahead with it.
Sorry but my past life kicked in there. The couple of other times that this happened, it helped greatly to get into a "fight".
The texting started this morning at 8.55 from W. Up to the end of my first post ....
"Will speak later. Hugs."
All this in the space of 10 minutes(ish).
Then very quiet until noon when the demands started again. And I know why. The two faced b*&%^ had got home and W had reported back to her with the news.
BULL dust.
Sorry Serenity - I just had to put my foot down in the only way I could. Draw a line in the sand.
The adore back bit goes back to you - you'll never be able to upset me - even by telling the truth.
I managed to set a boundary after the first polite telephone call (putting phone down on her when she started her "Ohhh K I don't believe you - you bought dog biscuits etc. crud)
I'm thinking about the alternative now you've got me back on the path of the righteous - going dark on her would have caused a panic attack in her I'm sure. She would have been the one to wonder if she was doing the right thing or not.
I feel that she now knows that I've ceased to be a doormat or door-mouse or any other kind of door. (BIG 180 from my meek okay you ask and I'll give over the past month). SHOCK HORROR. She now knows that I don't agree with all the "all your fault" bs. She knows that I'm prepared to march into court. She told me that she knows that I still want to work on M. And she knows that I'm not frightened or intimidated by anything she or "friend" says.
And a few other insights that have been missing from her puzzle.
And she had the GAUL to say thanks for sending her camera back with K but where's the cable!
She opened up in that flurry of texts more than she has in a long time. I'm sure she's (they're) stewing. And thinking. And plotting? Actually water off a ducks you-know-what.
I feel good.
NOW I'm going dark. Just not sure how much. If W text's me she gets a notification that it went through. If she didn't - bonus. But she does. Considering topping up the other cell contract and switching to that for a week. Just not sure.
Turned the cell phone off for the night. She has the landline number if she does want to talk.
Saw some real spunk there today Serenity - from both of us. And I feel it did us both the world of good. Sorry again but it was spontaneous - no scripting - just doing it. She is thinking about things. Still sticking to the script though. I see that now (thanks G).
I don't see her pulling my strings. I definitely see OW pulling W's.
And now forward and ever upwards.
Comments and suggestions on the back of a $100 bill
Seriously - scrap the money - the comments and suggestions are worth much more than that. 2 x 4's accepted where applicable.
Come into the cave with me and I will shine a light for you...
It isn't a fun place to be when every part of you screams out to call or email...
After I had words with my Pastor yesterday I realized something...
In the dark, I am happier then when we are inter-acting...
I don't have to listen to the crap...
I don't have to hear how I have made him unhappy or how our entire marriage was a lie...
I have God on my side, my family, my friends, my boys, my Church, my self-respect, my dignity, my self-esteem will return over time and I can leave my house with my head held high...
What does he have? Lies, guilt, shame, a reletionship built on what?
He hasn't spoken to me since I burst his little bubble and let him know I knew in fact that the FT did indeed live here...
And for now I am ok with that...:)
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Hang in there! I'm a bit flummoxed on being able to say anything in the way of advice or suggestions, but I'm keeping up with your sitch and popping in to let you know you're supported.
BTW, not like I'm in favor of copyright infringement or anything but have you considered searching the internet for bootleg digital copies of Michele's books or videos? Stuff on YouTube, torrents, etc? I believe you mentioned Amazon wouldn't send stuff to you?
There have got to be other ways to get your hands on the books - library? Would your library have a copy or maybe order them at your request? Online sellers of used books, buy a copy if you travel internationally, have one shipped to a friend elsewhere who can get it to you, etc. I'd even suggest having someone from here send you a copy and reimbursing them thru paypal, but if your post office is really that bad...?
Hang in there.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Can't find either book here anywhere. Amazon won't send. All local shop and on-line stores don't have (14 day wait at least). PITA. (pain in the a$$). I really need them both!
PO really IS that bad. Everything gets nicked if it's small enough to fit in a pocket.
I may just bite the bullet - order the books and pay through the a$$ (after exchange has kicked in and customs and everyone else who wants a slice) for a DHL delivery if thats available here. Will check tomorrow when I get paid.
Thanks for the support - you have NO idea how much that means to everyone when they get a pat on the back (not having a go at you Serenity - you have a big heart and shoot from the hit - truly appreciated).
Let me rephrase that - you DO know how much it means to everyone when they get a pat on the back.
Serenity - snap out of it hon. Not easy I know. I can see you slipping down a slope & I can't be there physically to catch you. Don't make me stroke your but with a 2 x 4 - remember "brick wrapped in silk"?
I really can't come to grips with the idea that my W thinks I'm lying and surmising I'm having a whale of a time here. She just needs to look in the bin to see how very little is in it! Dogs are eating the biscuits I bought them with hot Bovril because there's no meat!
W had a shock a few months ago when she THOUGHT she saw I had R18,000 ($2,300) in the account. May not seem a lot to some of you but when that's just slightly less than what I earn in a month you'll understand. The only problem was it was a MINUS - overdraft! And no - that's not why she ducked (H is skint - move on to another sucker type thing).
Bollox (there's another one for you to use Gardener).
Guys - don't let this post hide the reason for the post (read back a few). I really need some guidance her.
Hi Mac, I know we both speak English, but at times I think we are talking a different language (lol). Customs have a lot to do with how we talk, does it not? I have so many old sayings and use “slang” until I am surprised you understand anything I’m trying to communicate (lol). At any time you are not certain what I mean by a statement that I make, please feel free to question, okay?
I thought I would start back when you first came on the DB board to tell your story. When I began reading your story for the second time, I immediately saw something that got my attention. I believe she told you the problem in your M right here in this paragraph.
Quote:
“With loosing my work as well as two miscarriages, I was going through a difficult time and I really needed emotional support from you. All I wanted you to say was "don't worry we will work through this together and that things will come right". Instead all I got from you was about all debt that you have got. And that you couldn't afford looking after me. How was I suppose to get a job and get back on my feet again? When all you did was complaining about money?”
I won’t talk about the pain of the miscarriages b/c I talked to you about that when you first came on board. Even if she can put the hurt and disappointment of the miscarriages behind her, what she cannot seem to be able to do is to forgive you for making her feel abandoned at the time she needed you the most. As a man, you felt obligated to pour yourself into your work. You were trying to earn a living and provide for the woman you loved most of all. However, as a woman, she looked at the situation completely differently that you did. She was hurt and needed a lot of emotional comfort and assurance from you, but you were very busy working. You seem to be a person who is focused on the importance of staying on a budget and not living beyond what one can afford. Perhaps she is not as concerned or maybe she does not look at how to spend money the same way as you do. That is usually the case between couples. In her opinion, you should have put her feelings she had at the time if the miscarriages before you considered anything else. She is saying that she wanted to be the most important issue in the world, but b/c you seem to be more interested in your job and how to pay the bills...it made her feel very unimportant to you. That is what she cannot forgive. In this paragraph that tells about what she said, I see a woman who thought you felt she was a burden to you instead of a blessing. She took your complaints about taking care of her and how to pay for all the bills as an inflicting pain….like stabbing her in the heart. I’m sure you did not realize you sounded that way to her. She was depressed b/c that is how miscarriages can work on a woman emotionally. That time in her life and in yours…was not dealt with properly. I think she felt guilty for losing the babies and she felt guilty b/c she could not get on her feet right away to get a job and she felt she was a big burden to you. Instead of dealing with the guilt and the emotional pain she had, I think she pushed it down inside of her. In time, all of that came out of her and it was what really made her leave.
Quote:
“I also got tired of asking for money. Which was thrown back in my face on many occasions. When you well knew that the money was not spent on myself.”
I remember the short time I was not in the workforce and my H was the only one bringing in money. He would not volunteer any cash for me to operate my household expenses or to buy personal needs. I would have to “ask” him for every bit of money. I hated doing that b/c it made me feel as if I was his little child and he was my father, instead of my H. I resented him very, very much for placing me in that position. I think your W felt the same as I did. It is obvious she was not pleased with your attitude regarding money. This seems to have been an issue throughout the R. She speaks of your complaining and money. I wonder if you accused her of spending your hard earned money on herself.
Quote:
“Every time I ma half an hour late, it always ends up in a huge fight. Where the pushing and arguments starts I will defend myself because I was not brought up in a home with violence. Another aspect is that every time you are hungry I need to come home and cook for you. When you can in fact do all the cooking for yourself, as you have in the past.”
Again I see much resentment for your actions in the past. Apparently, she continued to push this resentment down inside of her instead of trying to work it out with you.
Quote:
“When you met me as an outgoing person. Things would have also been different if you would have taken me out from time to time and socialize with me (and I don't mean the local pub). Therefore you could not have expected me to stay home everyday of my life. I am also human and loves people and socializing.”
She is blaming you for changing who she use to be. She was once very outgoing but b/c you made her stay home all the time, she felt isolated from people and socializing. She is blaming you for being too tight with money and not wanting to spend any to give her a good time and letting her do what she loved most…which was going out and being with other people.
“
Quote:
I also wanted you to respect me as a person. I have been very hurt on many occasions. When you spoke to me in such an unrespectfull manner in front of our friends and family. Do have any idea what I felt like? I felt like your maid someone that are there to cook and clean for you. I would have loved to feel like your equal.”
This says volumes & volumes! Did you talk down to her? Putting a spouse down in front of others is very bad of anyone. She was degraded and humiliated by that experience. She is saying that you took her self-esteem away and embarrassed her by treating her as low life. She wanted you to see her as your equal partner and respect her as your queen…not as a maid.
As a whole, I see most of your posts centered on the financial concerns. I know you care very much about your W and want her to return to the M, however, you imply by your actions that you are much more concerned about your money than you are about your wife. That is not good and I think that is what you need to change.
I believe I remember saying something to you at one time regarding the fact she had asked for a substantial increase in the financial support you were sending her. As I recall, I was not sure that you needed to send such a sudden increase without some explanation from her. I am not very keen on the LBH giving financial support to his WAW if she chose to leave him. Your wife does not children and she could work to support herself unless the expenses are above her ability to pay. That is something that a H must decide what he should do. Does he give his W money to enable her staying away from him? I am not certain I understand about your courts and how they order you to pay your W. If it is the law and you must give her money, then you need to follow what the court orders. Things are probably quite different where I live and where you live. We can’t do much other than what the law dictates.
I believe the main problem lies in the money issues. If you can find a means to resolve that problem then I feel that your W could forgive the issues in the past and be able to move forward in a life with you. Do you believe you have changed in the other areas she complained about?
Now, this is some things I believe you need to immediately change: First, stop with the pet names. Perhaps it is a custom for M couples to use the words of endearment, but in a case where the couple is separated and the WAW is wanting to D, you must stop with the pet names!! It makes you appear very weak and mushy. You appear to be needy and clingy when you send her messages and are using this type of language. Apparently, she must return this type of pet names to an extent, but not as much as you. You “over-kill” using too many endearments. You need to stop using any pet name and use only her given name. That is part of DBing that you may not understand, but it has a purpose. It also shows her that you are detaching…although you really aren’t. You need to detach more emotionally instead of what you are presently doing. Stop telling her you love her. That is a DB “no-no”! That is pressure and no LBH should tell his WAW that he loves her.
Do not say anything that sounds as if you are talking down to her in a disrespectful way. You want her to respect you and you should show her the same attitude in return. You need to show strength and self-respect, but that does not mean to act like a jerk. A man can be very admirable and show strength of character without being an a$$. Know what I mean? It may be difficult to know how to show strength and not act all weak and mushy without being a “hard a$$”. I hope you know the difference and will work hard at being the right kind of man to her.
You need to make up your mind about the money and stop allowing it to ruin your life with the woman you love. You said you determined to draw a line and set boundaries, however, I think you went about this the wrong way. You used the very thing that was her main issue in the M to hurt her more. Money, money, money! In her opinion, it is all about money to you. How did you prove her wrong? You didn’t. You proved her right. Once again, you were saying that money is more important to you than she is. You did not take the right thing to make a boundary about. I think I understand from your POV. However, I am trying to tell you from her POV. This has been a very long post, so I can continue later. I don’t know what to advise you how to correct what you have done with the money b/c I am not sure how all of that works where you are. I do believe that you may act to quickly without thinking things through well enough. When you read someone’s advice here on the board, you jump into doing that before you consider the repercussions. Some DB principles are for everyone but some have to be used according to the individual stitch. What works for one couple may not be what another couple needs to do.
We cannot change what we've done in the past. We can learn from our mistakes and try hard not to repeat them again. Look at what the real foundation of your problems in your M are and what you can do about “yourself” and how you can make that better. What can you do that would cause your W to feel better toward you and your actions/behavior without it compromising your self-respect?
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Can't find either book here anywhere. Amazon won't send. All local shop and on-line stores don't have (14 day wait at least). PITA. (pain in the a$$). I really need them both!
Mac - find me in the alt universe and I will help you get the books. Won't cost an arm & a leg either. Won't be bootlegged either. As a writer it would give me fits to imagine a bootlegged copy on its way to you.
Last edited by The Wifey; 07/28/0904:58 AM.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
