Yea!!! You did great!!! The first time, especially when you know what you would like to say in rebuttle, is always the hardest and yes afterward, you may breakdown. But if you do, do it in private, not infront of him. See what you are doing here is acknowledging his feelings but not accepting responsibility for them. Which serves three purposes, it takes the wind out of their sails, it relieves you of internal guilt, and eventually, when the see you won't accept the responsibility, they have to start wondering why they feel this way. It doesn't mean the look for the real reason, at least not at first, but maybe eventually.
SR said it well, they may have always been cranky, but MLC exaggerates everything. I think a very common thread, actually the basis for MLC, is the childhood. My H had a very difficult childhood as well and I know that the behavior he is exhibiting in MLC are just extreme ends of behavior he has always exhibited. But until he looks at the real root cause, nothing will change. Funny makes me think of when we met. His anger and what not at the time was directed at his M, where it should be. Over time, it got shifted to me because I was there. At times he tried to put it elsewhere and keep it off me, but as time has passed that has gotten harder and harder for him to do. Eventually, I became the root of all evil because as he changed other things and still felt what he was feeling, there was no where else to put the blame, unless of course he actually dealt with the issues or put it back on his M.
So know you did really well. It will get easier, and believe it or not, the attacks will eventually slow down and probably eventually cease as you don't let yourself be the target anymore. When he does say something that you feel is really valid that you could do differently, do it differently. But beyond that, just do your best to let it all go.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
FG, you are very hard on yourself. It all takes time, this journey. A very long time.
First and foremost, if you really fear that your h might harm you, you need to do something about that.
I lived with someone who put me down. I allowed myself to believe the I was inadequate, not good enough. And I blamed myself for everything that was wrong.
But, I have come to realize that we both have issues. We both have things we have to change. I cant help him change. But I could help me.
So, change the things about you that you feel need changing. Do it for YOU.
It isnt going to happen overnight. This is a process. A hard one. But I promise you this, this is a journey you were meant to take.
You will find you.
You did great the other night with h. Continue to let what he says go. This is about FG now. You can do this.
I've never posted to you before, but do you think that because he is feeling bad about himself, he may have been projecting onto you? For instance, thinking YOU were a fool to marry him?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Cat, this is the fourth New Me confrontation we`ve had. He should have had the message by now that he`s not going to upset or anger me.(well, not to his face anyway.) Thanks for giving me hope that the attacks will slow down and eventually cease. Boy, I need that to happen.
Beginnersmind, yes, that`s what I need is a beginners mind! You say "this is a journey you are meant to take" well, I sure heard that before but for me, it takes a while for anything to sink in. Gotta keep pluggin away and learnin that one! Anyway, beyond telling H to get lost,there`s nothing else I can do for now except stick to the DB formula.
I`m at this a while, BM, in fact dealing with his moods and anger for 17 years of marriage and before. Yes, MLC has made it worse. I already got a protection order against him in family court as he threatened to punch me last Oct so that at least has put a curb on his threats to hit me and given me more peace of mind. He still doesn`t get why I got the protection order though...
Hopeful, thanks so much for posting! Need all the opinions and support I can get. (2x4s very welcome also if anyone feels I need them!)Hadn`t thought of his projecting his fool stuff on me.
Yes, his self esteem is very low. Always has been. And I haven`t helped that in the past. He`s been in this funk for two years! Thought he`d hit rock bottom several times and would come bouncing up but it looks like he`s in a bottomless pit.
I think that deep down he knows it isn't all your fault. But, in his state of mind, nothing can be HIS fault, so..... well, you are the easy target. Maybe even more so since you've stayed calm through his rants. I'm sure that's driving him crazy, too! Which is also your fault!
Thanks Jeff, for checking in and yes, I`m thrilled to get some virtual hugs too!
H is gone out. Didn`t tell any of us where. But I`m glad he`s gone. I find the tension after these kinds of blow outs hard to take,though I haven`t taken xanax today. Don`t want to get hooked on the stuff.
Yes, everything is my fault! I know that!
Anyway, I got through this evening by being civil but not over the top all-conversational of course. Just confined it to the kids and I kept moving.
Hard to know what else to do.
Well, except have fun of course!Having a couple of gfs around for coffee tomorrow and another pal rang with an idea for a girls` day out which I`m really looking forward to, so lots of doors opening in other areas.
You sound like you`re adjusting well, Jeff and having fun too.Thanks for watching this space!
It really sounds to me that you have gotten yourself to a place where you can decide how long to wait him out, or not. You've gotten the control back. I think that once you do that, it's a lot easier to maintain patience, since you know that you are calling the shots. Even if he thinks he is!
(((((Fallgirl)))))
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 07/27/0909:22 PM.
I got the rants for about 8 months or so pre bomb and then 5 months post bomb, before I figured out how not to react. Then for a month or so they were still bad. They have slowed to almost zero but not there yet. Doubt they ever will be to be honest with you. H has so much to figure out within himself but I don't think he thinks so. He thinks he has found his answer and only God can change his mind. But I have seen, heard that he does seem to be thinking a teeny tiny bit. Probably a ton but it seems to come out in a sentence or two once in a while. I feel like someone put the super slow motion on H's brain and mouth LOL.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Listen, I got the bomb over two years ago, and I still need reminding (right Mach?). I have been with h for over 30 years, his MLC probably started about 7 years ago. He has always been very controlling.
I still hear in your posts that you take the blame for some of his anger. Uh uh, no way. He is responsible for how he responds and acts, not you. He has stuff he has to deal with, so do you. Let him own his, you own yours.
This is hard stuff, really hard. You have to look deep inside yourself and sometimes you are not going to like some of the things you find. But that is ok. Those are the things you need to focus on.
We have all done things in our marriage that we should have done differently. But we did the best we could with the tools we had at the time.
So, dont keep blaming yourself. Just figure out the things you want to change and start to change them. It isnt going to happen overnight.