Yes, exactly, exactly what I'm getting at. So for example when you do your "he wins / I lose" thing by way of beating up on yourself, that whole construction is predicated upon a totally subjective evaluation of what the Truth in the situation is. Which isn't helpful, because it's just self-directed angst.
My win/lose paradigm doesn't have to do with me finding fault in myself, it has to do with my life being exponentially harder, my kids flipping out (but only with me), my needing to find employment, my overwhelming concern for all parties involved, my needing to initiate legal action, my having most of our "stuff" to sort through, document, tend to, while H has a nice tidy little pad with only what he needs, the kids on their best behavior, a fruitful career that I helped him develop, a huge circle of friends (many whom I like) and an active social life (plus girlfriend(s)). So, yes I feel f*cked right now. In no way do I feel like that makes me the a**hole, just makes me have to take responsibility for being where I am which can generate a tad of self-loathing (if my life s*cks, I've surely got something to do with it).
As for the changes you make, I think anything that doesn't change on a deeper level and is not really cultivated over time, will fade away in time. I believe you know full well which changes are worthwhile and which aren't.
