So, I had a decent weekend with my D8 away, but traffic was a complete bear on the way home, and didn't get back until 10pm. Carried my D8 upstairs to bed, and tucked her in.
W had stayed up waiting for D8 to come home. She asked a few questions about did d8 have a good trip. I was really tired and needed to bring everything in still, then get ready for work today, so didn't talk much.
W asked how to get the aftermarket stereo completely out of our old car, so I asked her if she had bought a new car, and she said yes, and needs to trade in the old one on Monday. I asked her what did she get, and her reply was 'It's a surprise for everyone' and we'll see tomorrow after she picks it up.
What is that supposed to mean? Eh, I don't care, I just reply that it's not really a surprise that's going to be for me, and then go about unpacking, then run out to the old car and finish pulling out the old stereo, put it on the table, and continue to settle back in the house.
She seemed to linger a bit, then said she was off to bed, and heads to the other room she is now staying in.
I am ok emotionally about this for the most part, and just close the door to our room, unpack my stuff, watch a few mins of tv to relax, and then get some sleep.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
but 20 minutes later see the call and call back like a puppy dog. Realize now that was a mistake but I was so happy to feel needed for a bit I forgot DB and should not have called. Well, will try not to beat myself up over it and move on and try harder again next time...
It's ok. Just don't be so eager to call back that quickly again. The only time I wouldrespond promptly (meaning like you would have before everything hit the fan) is if it involves D8 - kids have to come first. I usually try not to respond to any txts/im's/voicemails from W for at least 45 min's - usually an hour. Some people recommend longer than that.
Apart from calling her back when you did, how was the conversation? How did you handle that?
Quote:
I asked her what did she get, and her reply was 'It's a surprise for everyone' and we'll see tomorrow after she picks it up.
What is that supposed to mean? Eh, I don't care, I just reply that it's not really a surprise that's going to be for me,
It doesn't matter what it means. You know that. Your reply sounds needy, unfortunately. Next time, just respond ok. And leave it at that. And not a dismissive, whatever kind of "ok" but the kind that says you can tell me when you want to.
I understand your feelings, but the important thing is to learn how to control your response to them. Initially, you will have the feelings, but you can train yourself to act as if they don't bother you - and you show they don't bother you by not reacting to them and in the way you respond and act around W. The message you want to convey by your actions and attitude is of a slightly disinterested friend.
Actually, it does make a sense, and I am moving in that direction, I can see that now. I was also way too tired, and need to check myself at the door when I am, not an excuse, just need to realize it, so I don't do it over and over..
I realized right after I called her that I should not have, probably would not have noticed that I did that a few weeks a ago.
The conversations we have been having lately have been friendly in tone/manner, etc. Even after she moved into the other room, dropped the box on the table to start packing her things, etc, I have been able to successfully keep that on track this past couple of weeks.
Even last night, we were friendly, she came back downstairs after giving d8 kiss goodnight, and I had half expected her not too, and I told her couple things about what d8 did while we were away, before she retired for bed..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
Even last night, we were friendly, she came back downstairs after giving d8 kiss goodnight, and I had half expected her not too, and I told her couple things about what d8 did while we were away, before she retired for bed..
Baby steps. Just let her initiate these. And, occasionally, when things seem to be going well, like a good conversation, YOU be the one to end it - "I'm really beat. Think I'm gonna hit it." Hard at first, b/c you want to soak in all hte positives of a good conversation that have been missing so long. But, to have that conversation happen again, we have to be the ones to end it so we leave them wanting more. Just try it and see how it works.
GIMA, great advice, and I know that I need to do that. I have a very hard time picking up on these little things I need to be doing, like when we are talking I need to realize at that time I need to end it.
I usually don't pick up until it's too late, like after the phone call this weekend. That's a good place for me to focus some effort on..
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
I try to think of it as W and I are just good friends and that I want to move it to a dating R. So, it really is nothing more than playing a little hard to get. You want her to want more, and want you. So, she needs to miss you and the R.
I got home tonight, and the W's new car is parked out front, nice slightly used Nissan Murano. Wished I had the money for a lux SUV, while I am driving my 350k mile Honda. Oh well.
Unexpectedly, I am angry and somewhat disgusted just looking at the thing, so I put off some plans I had been thinking about.
I had planned on starting to hand her, her bills for Cell phone, etc tonight, but throw in the anger, etc emotions, and I don't think that's a good plan.
However, I want some of your opinions. I feel that it the right thing to do for me to: Tell her I will no longer be paying for: Her Cell Phone Her Car Insurance And I will be canceling the credit card I had given her for Gas.
I want to do this in non-emotional no spite, etc, way, I just do not feel they are my responsibility anymore. Now, I am also hesitant to do so, as I am pretty sure she will blow up, but I also know I can't respond to it if she does.
Thoughts? Knowing I want to keep my M going, but also knowing that she should be responsible for her stuff if she chooses to leave, etc, it still seems to be the right thing to do. Is this a bit of too much tough love though?
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
W called me on my cell on my way home from work. I did not pick it up, she left no voice mail, but when I got home I asked if she had been looking for me. She said she had, she had been at a dog sled show with D8, and was hoping I could have stopped by and brought a couple of dollars for a book that my D8 wanted, but W said she didn't have any money on her. She ran to the bank instead, after I did not pick up the phone, and ran back to buy the book.
Also, I handed the W her cell phone bill tonight, and told her I had decided I was not paying it anymore. She looked at it, grunted, turned around and walked downstairs.
Then, I tucked my D8 in bed, and went downstairs, and brought up an email my W had sent me about a cirque de soliel show she was interested in taking d8 too. I told her that looked like something our d would like, and I'd like to take her. Then said she was welcome to come as well if she wanted, she has agreed, and we will be going August 29th it appears.
I swear during the conversation she almost seemed her old self, no anger, walls in the way, etc, and we were very cordial during the discussion.
However, I wanted to end it at that, as I have bills to pay tonight, so I just came upstairs to do that, and probably will try not to interact with her again tonight.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
W called me this AM early, but I was not near cell phone, so she left voice mail that she was having computer problems at home.
I waited about an hour before trying to call back, and left message on how to fix it.
I believe waiting on things like this is the best way to do it, and I have seen it suggested, so trying to do those things.
Last night, didn't see W much at all after my last post, but she brought the dog into our room, while I was watching tv before bed, before she retired to the other room herself.
That's twice this week she has done that, which is odd, as our dog normally sleeps outside. I had asked her why she was bringing dog into room, and she stated the dog didn't want to go out.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
That's twice this week she has done that, which is odd, as our dog normally sleeps outside. I had asked her why she was bringing dog into room, and she stated the dog didn't want to go out.
My only suggestion would be next time, don't ask her why. Watch her actions. What she says right now doesn't really matter (disrespect and abuse being a couple of exceptions). It can come off as being needy.
Might be a good sign. Asking about the computer might also be a good sign. Just wait it out and see where it goes. She is watching you.
