OD, Thank you so much for the suggestion. I've read pages of these past threads until my eyes feel like they're bleeding. And I do think that the light has been turned on! Even though at one time I was very successful comprehending the concepts of DB and thought I knew it well enough to skip the beginnings this time...... I was mistaken and have sailed right off from the target. For some reason, I thought my situation was "different" because I wasn't M, because my BF still loves me, because he walked out for pride alone. Despite my previous experience with this I have gone about it quite wrong. I have repeatedly told Mark such things as I miss him, that I wish he missed me, that I love him, that seeing him is a sight for sore eyes, that I want to get together w him, I suggested couples therapy, etc. OOPS!!!! I invented my own rule that because I know he loves me I should appeal to the emotional connection. I did nothing to prevent him from leaving although I was almost certain that I could "fix" the situation if I wanted to. Instead I sat back to see how it would play out without my assistance. I gave him the ultimate test - would he try to "fix" it ths time? He had threatened to run away from home twice before and I had persuaded him to stay - so I was confident that I could have some measure of control. I was so fed up with his illness & depression it caused that I shook up the status quo. I believed I had influence on him. (as I now sit with nothing at the end of my rope I am proven wrong!) Even when he left I figured he could need some cool out time and eventually he'd come around and be receptive to my offerings. I do think i could have prevented him from leaving, he even said as much. (last we spoke he talked about how I was showing him apt. listings and offering him furniture & that's when he knew for sure he would leave). At the time I hoped he would admit he didn't prefer to go, or that he would offer a compromise. I mistakenly thought I was DBing by appearing strong and ready to accept his reaction. I thought I was DBing at the time, but it was far from it. When I should have fought for the relationship, I did not. When the time passed for the fight, that's when I began it. Since he left I have unintentionally added pressure to the situation. He was conflicted about leaving, but is now committed to that decsion. He is not going to appreciate any r pressure because it will bring confusion and he intends to stand firm. Yet I have applied that pressure in some way nearly every time I have seen him or talked with him. 3 times in a row when he came for mail I asked if he would see me if I called him and he just stood there looking so torn and hurt, and not responding. The last time I even urged him - just say no if it's no Mark. And he still couldn't say no. A few wks ago was the first time I asked him to meet me. He explained that he believes I would take that opportunity to weaken his resolve and manipulate the situation by taking advantage of his feelings for me. And in fact - that was exactly my strategy. I would appeal to his affection for me and take it from there. I am overdue for a 180! Even a 90 would be better! This situation of mine needs NO MORE PRESSURE.
Taking Stock: 1. When he left he wanted nc. I was at work while he moved and he called to say "I'm out. It's done. Take care of yourself... goodbye." He intended that to be final. He now is quite friendly on the phone and even said he doesn't mind talking to me if I want to call back sometime it's ok. I thought this was a baby step because of what I was doing. I now know that it was a baby step inspite of what I was doing! 2. (This falls under the category of #1, but I feel more successful if I subdivide it. ;-D ) Initially he ignored my texts. But the last several texts I sent he replied quickly. This is a baby step, but again it's despite what I was doing. 3. Mark had to stop by the house several times in the first couple months because he didn't get his new mail key. This was golden opportunity time and I squandered it by suggesting we could resolve our problem, telling him I am waiting for him and not moving on, that the door is open, throwing my arms around him, etc. The last time I did the latter, he returned the hug with his hand at the small of my back for more than a moment. Once again this was a small step.... not provoked by my excellent DB skills! 4. Mostly I have been upbeat when speaking with him, and have dropped snippets of info about cool stuff I've been doing. He even commented that good, it sounds like I'm having fun. I steer the convo to be about his health, his work, his son. I've given cheery encouragements and cracked a few jokes. I do not give away the level of my heartache and despair. I do think that this is one area I have not messed up too badly in. It may account for some of the minor positive steps. This does feel counterintuitive, but I believe it is an important part of the process.
Damage Control: 1. After my terrible behavior, I may have to go dark. He has to contact me at some point to get things he left behind. I intended to use this as an excuse to call him sometime in the near future. But he knows the things are here. If he wants them, he will have to contact me. I told him I am likely moving in the next couple months, he will surface. Of course he's waiting for my call because eventually I break down and call. He doesn't know that I am disappearing like a submarine under water. 2. I must stop playing around with the gal pma business and get serious about it. It is vital to success. For myself as well as for the R.
