Only a year and a half since the bomb, seven months since the divorce was finalized do I understand what 'beating a dead horse' means.
No matter how much I look to understand, search for the 'ah ha' moment that makes all this make sense, it does not matter. The horse doesn't get up, doesn't change no matter how hard I try. It didn't matter that I believed in the core which our union was based on, on its deep soulful truth. That horse died in hubby's eyes and there was nothing I could do to resurrect it.
Yes.. changes are great. Feeling the burden of what was 'off' lift to free the essence which was squelched with egg shell walking, passive aggressive behavior. And it feels that way for both individuals of the marriage.
The now is what matters. I, too, would come across letters he wrote expressing his love and appreciation for what we shared, pictures of a joyful family. "See.. it's not a lie. He did love me!" I even came across a journal he did during our honeymoon. Love, joy, passion.
The sad truth is that somewhere we all gave up, bit by bit, and lived a life of unwitting tension, doing things that 'seemed' right and caring whose core was relief based on avoidance.
The dead horse is the past. This is the present. Is the house too expensive? Sell it. Begin again. After all, if as a couple you had a significant loss in income it's something you'd consider doing.
You can do whatever you want. Be as morose, sad, mourn, roll your way, do the mojo dance, make whoopie. It's all part of the process, some of which sucks big time.
Your wife whining over her fear of no other man being attracted to her is her problem, not yours. You with your caring ear in midnight dulcet tones will not 'fix' her low self esteem and whatever drove her leave.. not just recently but over the past several years.. both of you avoiding the marital bed, intimacy. Your willingness to be 'there' in that way works against you. Stop volunteering. Let her initiate. If and when she does, let her do all the talking. Be the first to hang up, leave. Stop trying to be the hero.
Your son's statement about loving you.. just not as much.. what a gift. You are THERE, you are safe, you are not going anywhere. Kids need both parents, whether together or apart. A mom is a mom is a mom... and there's something about mommy's. His mommy left, a mom you describe as stilted at motherhood. Children are fixers and martyrs, too. He needs her to be 'safe'. Be proud you both maintained an environment that allows love for both of his precious parents.
The core to healing is.. stop all the thinking, pondering, perusing the past. It is what it is. The present, living a life of giving out what you want to receive, approaching experiences with no expectations, no intentions allows tremendous growth, great freedom.
Stop.. just stop.. being her emotional confidant. That's what married couples are. She has to stand on her own two feet, walk the walk and truly deeply choose which path she takes. And Smile.. she is becoming a more evolved mom, she will find another man. You're not there to fix. You're here to be you, the best you ever.. with or without her.
Your choice. Her choice.
Choices made independent of one another which leads to new beginnings together or apart.
A spouse leaving is the ultimate kick in the ass, the supreme wake up call. Turn off the alarm. Get out and move forward.
