I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Please read the book The Gaslight Effect.

I'll add it to my list! I'm falling very far behind in terms of reading all the books everyone's been recommending.

I would, however, encourage you to think in terms of what you want in a relationship.

I have thought about this many times. And it seems to change everytime I think about it. It may be due to my inexperience being in relationships, but after he left, and having read up on SO MANY books and talking to my C and adding my own experiences (with the little that I have) into the mix, I have a pretty good idea of what I want in a relationship, and certainly know what I don't want! If my H doesn't change, then I will not be getting back together with him, even if he wanted to. I would only go into it again knowing that he WANTS to change and that he's aware of his flaws.

Certainly the old patterns and roles were destructive for both of you or you wouldn't be where you are. They can get better - but it starts with you.

AGREED 100%! If I do end up with my H again, I don't want the old patterns and roles to be in the new R. And if I'm not with him and with someone else, I will have learned enough from experience not to bring those old habits into the new R.

The biggest thing that I've learned is that everything starts with me. I can't make him change, I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. But I can change myself and I have been working on it and will continue to. I have a long way to go and I won't jump into any R (with or without my H) before I reach that point where I'm happy within myself. That's the only way that my future Rs will be successful.