I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Hi Trixi:
Thanks so much for your input.

I think this time would be well spent at considering how he has treated you.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time and believe me, EVERYONE around me have been continuously reminding me about how badly he's treated me. Except for my BF, she thinks we're THE BEST match she's ever seen and she knows me very well. But I do want to focus on the positives as well.

Flaws that unless HE says he wants to change them, will only make you miserable.

I have to move forward in all of this with positivity. I am scared to proceed that way though because like you said, it might only make me miserable. But I have always maintained that people change and I hope that he will change. I have hope that in time, he will admit to his flaws and want to change. A few days before he walked away from me, he asked me to please go see a C and I said I wouldn't go unless he went to see someone himself. And he said no, because he doesn't think he needs to change and he doesn't think he had any problems that warranted speaking with a C. A few hours later, after a lot of crying, he came up to me and said, "OK, I will see someone." That gave me so much hope. And even though he's gone now and never went to see someone, that to me was a huge change in him, from years of sayng he doesn't need help, to agreeing to see someone. My happiness was shortlived of course because he left me a few days after but can you see my hope? I don't want to be naive. But I don't want to be negative either. I believe in a human being's capacity to change oneself, and I certainly have hope for the person I love. There's only so much effort and so much time I can give to this, but until I reach that point, I'm going to continue believing that he can change.

Not being able to have a relationship that lasts longer than a year when you're 37--that says there is a problem with intimacy

I agree. I think he's much too smug. He believes he knows more than anyone else (though he would never admit it), he doesn't back down and feels his opinions are always right. I think his ego and confidence (too much), have gotten in the way of all of his relationships to be honest. But according to him, I'm responsible for him losing all the confidence he has. Which says a lot about how I mean to him and how powerful of an effect I can have on him. Which in turn gives me hope that if I change who I am for the better, he might see that and it might affect him in positive ways. Am I making sense here? I hope so!

Part of being able to love someone else is loving yourself first.

I'm working very hard on this right now!!

Would you want your best friend to be ignored? belittled? to feel badly about herself?

NO WAY! And I have voiced my opinions to my BF about the way her boyfriend treats her. But, just like what I believe, she believes no one can fully understand what goes on in a relationship except for the 2 people in it. And I trust that she will do whats best for her and I give her BF benefit of the doubt. She's very supportive of me trying to get the H back and she tried really hard to get me to see things from his perspective whenever I get mad and angry at what he's done to me. Everyone has their problems, everyone behaves a certain way for a reason. I have tried to understand his behaviors but I have learned that there is no point in that.

All in all, I just want to be able to forgive, to move on, to believe in change, and to give him some benefit of the doubt - something I failed to give him when we were together.