If you found out your H had been secretly interacting with a woman who was actively pursuing him, and/or with whom he had had an A in the past, would YOU be angry?
It's not the action of flirting. It's the secrecy, the history, and the disregard for the potential of it progressing beyond innocence that is angering.
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But the fact that it is itself not grounds for D or further deterioration of the R (just a further symptom) is why I am glad I had a chance to let it blow over first. I don't want my angry blowups to be the cause of further R deterioration.
That's why I journal here when I am angry
Last edited by Thinker; 07/25/0903:47 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yes. I see your point. It is a good distinction. She does give you a lot to worry about. And then with her frail emotional constitution, I don't believe she would be able to handle the fire that she is playing with.
My real fight is to keep myself detached and fight off the codependent thoughts and behaviors. I relax, do my own thing for a while, etc, and then I stumble onto something that throws me back into "red alert".
D@mn creeping expectations...
It has been a real struggle for me to detach and let go while at the same time caring about her and keeping my heart open.
Back to step 1 (of 12)...
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Think, Dealing with the occasional run-ins with the OM. It caught you off guard because you didn't have a plan that's the way it is the surprises get the biggest reactions. Options - be the bigger man, let him know you are setting a boundary, act as if and talk to all the other people in the group, change pools, or run him over in the parking lot. Detaching isn't so much about having feelings/expectations as it is letting go of outcomes. Your feelings are normal just make sure they are appropiate, ie no guilt or shame. You have to let the anger out in appropiate ways. Understand and feel your feelings nothing wrong there. The key is how to handle it the next time. Think thru what will help you, is healthy and keeps the Thinker out of jail. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
W has been visiting family for the weekend, and returns tomorrow. We have only talked for a few min at bedtime so she can say goodnight to the boys.
We spent the days running errands and gardening. Today I took on the backbreaking work of planting new shrubs in ground that is hard clay and rocks. Nothing like working with a pick to work out ones frustrations.
The emotional peace is nice, however, I really do miss her when she is gone. The boys do too. They kept asking "When is Mommy coming back?"
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I've selected my next area for self-improvement: Financial Management. Like most people, I have always hated financial administration: balancing checkbooks, paying bills, budgeting, tracking expenses, etc. It is drudgery and anxiety put together. Once we got married, I happily jumped into the model my parents followed - I earn the $ and my W manages the household finances. I rarely even looked at a bank statement.
Besides comfort and laziness, there is another reason I fell into this. I am not comfortable with conflict (getting better at that ), and household finances are an area full of daily conflict. It was easier for me to basically abdicate and let her make the daily decisions and do the work. Aside from the burden this placed on her, this passive role caused me to be worried about money, to feel out of control in this area, and to be tense and angry with my W. I remember getting angry with her for some financial situations, when my anger was really frustration with my own inaction - just throwing the blame her direction.
So I spent some time looking at things, and am going to spend some more time this week. It's time for me to man up and take responsibility for paying the bills and watching the accounts.
To be clear, I am not doing this to try to seize back control. Although I have (in the past) been angry and felt my W was fiscally irresponsible, I realize that it is really quite the opposite. She is very responsible - it's just that her priorities differ from mine.
This is going to be a tough one, however, for a couple of reasons: 1) The emotional component: It must be something about relating financial success to personal self worth or something (no real idea), but really looking at my finances has always made me tense and uneasy - which is strange since I have always been pretty solvent, no real debt, etc.
2) I have never been diligent at tackling finances in the small daily / weekly bites that is necessary to make it work. I have always tended to forget, procrastinate, etc. so I need to build up those daily habits.
3) I actually don't have that much free time, so this is another thing I am taking on - have to fit it in - will probably eat into the time I spend on the boards.
3) Conflict: when I first start, I am going to have to ask a lot of questions about what is going on, etc. I am not doing it to take control, but I know that in doing so I am going to be impinging on an area where my W has enjoyed a lot of freedom. This is going to trigger a number of discussions which, although healthy in the long term, are going to be uncomfortable at first.
I think my W will support the idea, because she does not want the daily responsibility. With any eye on my past, however (forgetting to pay bills sometimes, procrastinating forever on filing taxes, etc), she will probably be rightfully skeptical.
Love to hear your feedback.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/27/0902:07 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Funny that I have the same sitch as you when it comes to finances. That is something I am working myself into with my W. I need to make that a higher priority.
I think you are correct that we H's need to get involved with this aspect of our M's. I know I have fallen short on this part.
I, too, was initially concerned about whether my W would get the wrong impression of me wanting to get involved with our $$$. Oh, and just like you, I, too, do not like conflict. Probably a product of growing up in a home with parents who often fought - lots of yelling and screaming. I have always avoided conflict in my R's for that reason I suppose.
But, your post has helped motivate me to get off my a$$ and do something more about our finances. I think this would fall under the heading of what Coach calls "leading."
This falls into the category of don't rock the boat! I think it is not a good time to delve into this.
My situation is the same with my husband. He works, but can't pay bills on time and avoids doing the taxes. This has led to trouble, and to stay out of trouble, I have taken it over. I would not be happy to have him suddenly start tearing apart the check statement. I try hard to make things work out but there are always unforeseen costs- the wedding present for a friend, the new tires for the car, the traffic tickets, the roof repair, etc. Having someone stand over me and insist that I "stick to a budget" when emergencies come up and can't be avoided, makes me angry. I have been married for 30 years and the only reason we are still married is that we no longer discuss this. My husband has made it clear to me that he is "very concerned about the finances", and I do my best to keep costs down. But I don't duck bills, and if it means a transfer of a bill to a credit card to get it paid, then I do it. And if he stuck his nose in and started asking questions, we would be off the races on arguments.
Maybe your situation is better than mine and there is enough money to go around. But if you are not already arguing about money, then don't start now! I guarantee you this will start the mother of arguments!
My father always said there were only two things married people fight about: money and sex. If you are already arguing about one, don't start in on the other.
), and household finances are an area full of daily conflict. It was easier for me to basically abdicate and let her make the daily decisions and do the work. Aside from the burden this placed on her, this passive role caused me to be worried about money, to feel out of control in this area, and to be tense and angry with my W. I remember getting angry with her for some financial situations, when my anger was really frustration with my own inaction - just throwing the blame her direction.