Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[Bagheera]

I am aware that there are certain listenings here and that what is presented is, in all likelihood, presented through those filters. Well-meaning as that might be, there has not been a "wax on, wax off" moment.

This is a public self-help forum, sponsored by The Divorce Busting Center, and obstensibly focused on the marriage-saving techniques developed and published by Michele Weiner-Davis. In practice, however, the moderators are *generally* flexible when other authors or techniques are recommended, as long as the advice isn't too far afield and remains applicable.

The important thing to keep in mind, TEGH, is that those of us who frequent these forums regularly are NOT professsional therapists or counselors. We're regular folks who (most commonly) found ourselves here looking for help when our OWN marriages were in trouble and we wanted to find help, either through the support offered by others just like us, struggling with failed or failing marriages, or through the wide variety of good books and on-line reading material that others here might recommend. Many of us are having success in repairing our marriages, and have stuck around both for the support, and for the opportunity to help others in similar situations. None of us are on anyone's payroll, and none of us are beholden to any particular author's techniques or books. For example:

* If you had come here describing the frustration and 'symptoms' of the marriages likewise described in Michele Weiner-Davis's The Sex-Starved Marriage, then I would have recommended that (or The Sex-Starved Wife for a frustrated high-desire woman).

* If both you and your wife were fully on-board and working to repair and improve your intimate relationship and sex-lives together, then I would have recommended David Schnarch's Passionate Marriage for you.

* If you were describing common male problems with sexuality: lack of knowledge about yoru own sexuality, disconnection with your own feelings, a general lack of sensuality, erectile dysfunction, premature ejacuation, or some other similar male problem, then I would have recommended Bernie Zilbergeld's The New Male Sexuality to you.

* If ignorance of female anatomy/arousal or sexual techniques in general seemed to be the problem then I would have recommended Ian Kerner's She Comes First for the first problem, or D. Paul Joannides and Daerick Gross's The Guide to Getting It On for the second.

* If you and your wife were displaying a severe communication disconnect, and were unable to communicate in a non-destructive fashion, then I would have recommended John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to you.

* If you and your wife displayed generally male-centric and female-centric views of marriage and male-female relationships, respectively, then I would have recommended John Grey's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus to you.

* If you and your wife seemed not to understand the very different ways in which men and women approach intimacy, or were struggling with issues of sexuality and sexual expression within a conservative Christian marriage, then I would have recommended Barbara and Gary Rosberg's The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women to you.

* And finally, if you displayed 'symptoms' of being a typical Nice Guy, such that you weren't getting what you wanted out of your marriage, and in partcular, if your wife failed to find you sexually attractive because you weren't being "man enough" in the relationship, then I would have recommended Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, or perhaps David Deida's The Way of the Superior Man to you. Which is what I did --> this seemed to fit your case the best.

I'm not stuck on any particular author, website, or technique, and pragmatically seek out what works and discard what doesn't. The only filters in place with me are first, I'm not a professional sex therapist or marriage counselor (and don't claim to be), and second, I'm limited (a) to my own personal experiences in saving *my own* marriage and (b) the reading I've done so far in the areas of human sexuality and relationship studies. In other words, with it comes to relationship advice on these forums, TEGH, you get what you pay for.

However, if you don't like my advice, then hopefully someone else will come along who will offer you some better insight into you and your case, and perhaps offer you some better advice --> leading to your desired "wax on, wax off" moments.

Best of luck to you in the future,

-- Bagheera