Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Two Emotionally Quiet days - a well needed break.

W has been visiting family for the weekend, and returns tomorrow. We have only talked for a few min at bedtime so she can say goodnight to the boys.

We spent the days running errands and gardening. Today I took on the backbreaking work of planting new shrubs in ground that is hard clay and rocks. Nothing like working with a pick to work out ones frustrations.

The emotional peace is nice, however, I really do miss her when she is gone. The boys do too. They kept asking "When is Mommy coming back?"

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I've selected my next area for self-improvement: Financial Management. Like most people, I have always hated financial administration: balancing checkbooks, paying bills, budgeting, tracking expenses, etc. It is drudgery and anxiety put together. Once we got married, I happily jumped into the model my parents followed - I earn the $ and my W manages the household finances. I rarely even looked at a bank statement.

Besides comfort and laziness, there is another reason I fell into this. I am not comfortable with conflict (getting better at that ), and household finances are an area full of daily conflict. It was easier for me to basically abdicate and let her make the daily decisions and do the work. Aside from the burden this placed on her, this passive role caused me to be worried about money, to feel out of control in this area, and to be tense and angry with my W. I remember getting angry with her for some financial situations, when my anger was really frustration with my own inaction - just throwing the blame her direction.

So I spent some time looking at things, and am going to spend some more time this week. It's time for me to man up and take responsibility for paying the bills and watching the accounts.

To be clear, I am not doing this to try to seize back control. Although I have (in the past) been angry and felt my W was fiscally irresponsible, I realize that it is really quite the opposite. She is very responsible - it's just that her priorities differ from mine.

This is going to be a tough one, however, for a couple of reasons:
1) The emotional component: It must be something about relating financial success to personal self worth or something (no real idea), but really looking at my finances has always made me tense and uneasy - which is strange since I have always been pretty solvent, no real debt, etc.

2) I have never been diligent at tackling finances in the small daily / weekly bites that is necessary to make it work. I have always tended to forget, procrastinate, etc. so I need to build up those daily habits.

3) I actually don't have that much free time, so this is another thing I am taking on - have to fit it in - will probably eat into the time I spend on the boards.

3) Conflict: when I first start, I am going to have to ask a lot of questions about what is going on, etc. I am not doing it to take control, but I know that in doing so I am going to be impinging on an area where my W has enjoyed a lot of freedom. This is going to trigger a number of discussions which, although healthy in the long term, are going to be uncomfortable at first.

I think my W will support the idea, because she does not want the daily responsibility. With any eye on my past, however (forgetting to pay bills sometimes, procrastinating forever on filing taxes, etc), she will probably be rightfully skeptical.

Love to hear your feedback.