Magnificent

[mishka422]

We had a wonderful movie night, thanks guys! We watched the latest of the 'mummy' movies. The Dragon Emperor I think it was called. It was good, not as much fun as the first two but Marc enjoyed it and that is what matters. He picked what he wanted to eat for movie night...prepare yourselves....shrimp nachos and chili dogs. Good grief! I told him I was going to have a coronary if I ate that for dinner but he insisted. I'm ashamed to say I indulged, but in very small quantity so not so bad.

I appreciate all of your support for my boundary setting efforts. Unfortunately Gabe will never get it. He will only see things in one way and if I don't fall in line with it then I'm just 'flipping out' and 'being crazy'. Whatever. He can have his opinion, I know what I'm trying to accomplish.

We went to church this morning (yea! I got up in time!) and it was a wonderful sermon. It spoke directly to my heart but I unfortunately spent the first half of the time crying my eyes out and trying to hide it. Our pastor is on sabbatical so one of the lay ministers in our congregation spoke. He is a motivational speaker with an orginaztion called Winning With Encouragement. He's a gem and shared something that hit me hard. I walked into church fully planning to avoid my family. Avoid my cousin. I have been so depressed for so long that I just don't want to be around anyone I love because I feel I bring nothing to the table no matter how much I try to fake happy-go-lucky. Only my closest cousin was there this morning and she had saved two seats next to her for me and Marc. I was running a few minutes late so I didn't really have a choice of places to sit and she had already spotted me so I couldn't gracefully slink past. So, hurdle one jumped. Then, the speaker came up and started talking about living with grace. Living by faith and how hard that is. He told the story that a little over 20 years ago he went through a horrible period of depression that led him to the edge of despair. He found himself avoiding everyone in his life including his family because he just couldn't put on that fake face anymore. After approximately 6 months of this he found himself sitting in the dark on the edge of his bed sobbing and begging God to end his life. He cried out telling God he didn't want to live this life anymore and saw no reason to go on. He said that was a huge turning point for him and he was able to pull himself out of that period though 3 therapists including one that told him the best way to defeat depression is to serve others. Volunteer. Do things for someone less fortunate and watch the light fill your heart and soul.

Good God! He could have been up there telling my story. Word for word. I can't tell you how many nights I lay in my bed crying for God to kill me and put me out of this misery. Holy schmoly! Now I need to come to grips with this and find my way through it. I couldn't have picked a better Sunday to show up!!!

So that's the haps today. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend and we'll catch up soon.