First Timer

[pollyanna]

Sandi2 - I have just posted to newcomer flowerchild about you. Can you please read and I thought your long list of dos and donts would be perfect for her right now.

[sandi2]

Hi pollyanna! I sure will.

[wolverine1997]

Sandi, I gotta reply to your comments. First, I'm saying something about the rudenes because it has not always been this way. She doesn't talk to other people the same way. I don't think that it is too much to ask of a person to recognize your existence when they walk into the house or a room by saying hello or by not hanging up on you when you get off the phone. And her tone is diffinetly an irritated one.

She has always been somewhat inconsiderate at times and when she has been I usually overlook it but will say something when it escalates.

I might be nit-picking but am I supposed to continue to allow her to continually walk all over me and become more and more rude and inconsiderate without saying something? Yesterday you said that I was passive-agressive. Doesn't not speaking up when things bother you lead to more passive-aggressive behavior?

And yes, I will try to always admit when I mess up or am wrong. But I believe that throughout this whole ordeal I have been the one that has been wronged the vast majority of the time. I have put up with sooooooo much because of the situation that we have gone through.

Now some of what you have said has some truth to it. I am not a perfectionist but my wife has always said that I go on about things.

I still don't think that I was tryingt to control anything when I went into the room. To be honest, I really miss sleeping with my wife and had been having a very bad/sad day and week and was hoping just to enjoy the comfort of being their with her. I was hoping to lay there long enough to get sleepy and then go into my room to go to sleep. But I realize that it was a mistake and I truly do understand your points.

All in all I think that I have made less mistakes and have worked hard to be a better person. Applying the points in the book and the help of you guys/gals have given me a lot of tools to improve myself.

[wolverine1997]

Most people would say that she is harder to get along with than I am by far. I have always been the class clown, joking, pretty easy to get along with kinda guy and I usually hit it off with people right away.

Because of all of the bad things that have happened to my family though, my wife has become very negative, outspoken and unyielding about things. She has become determined to do what she wants regardless of how it affects others, especially me. For some reason she believes that I am the enemy. I really don't know why.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I am perfect, but I do believe that I am reasonable and understanding. Throughout this whole ordeal I have tried to be supportive and loving. The night that I took her to the hospital after the assualt, a rape counselor told me that most marriages that have been affected by rape do not last. I can now see why.

[wolverine1997]

Sandi2,

I want to thank you for your above posts. I spent the night thinking about what you said about nit-picking and control issues. A lot of what you said has merit. Above all else you made me remember and apply counsel that I have given to others many times in the past. As a minister I have always been taught to accept all counsel given to you and to find ways to make it fit. Even if you believe that the counsel given to you doesn't apply, keep it and store it because at some point it will apply.

I can definitely see ways to apply your counsel. Looking back over the years I can see areas where I have nit-picked and while I don't think that I am a controlling person by nature I can see how I can come across that way at times.

I think that I am having a hard time establishing boundaries and in actuality creating more problems. I have to try harder to look at things from her viewpoint which will be hard because her views are so erratic now. Many of them have radically changed over the last few years. I will try to be more observant of my actions and how they might affect her.

Thank you so very much for your insight.

[sandi2]

It takes guts to admit those kind of things about ourselves. It's hard! I had been grown for years before I had it slapped in my face. I wondered why somebody didn't say anything sooner. Of course, I was so shocked by the idea that "I" tried to control certain people in my family that I could have been blown over. It is difficult to see ourselves as others see us.

For the record, I do not think any man should put up with rudeness from his wife. The longer she gets away with bad behavior, the worse she will get. That is why I continued to ask you how long she had been acting that way on the phone, etc. If she has done this for a long time…then saying something now while other things are falling apart may not be the best timing in the world. I have learned that “timing” is everything! If you have a sense of humor and people think you are funny, then try to figure out a way to get the message to her without it sounding as criticisms.

When you explained in that last post about “why” you went to her bedroom that night and lay down beside her…it made perfect sense to me. Not saying that I agree that you should have went in there, but I understand why. However, I saw it just like your W did before ou explained it better. Perhaps you need to make certain that you do all that you can to explain your reasons behind your actions instead of assuming that she knows “why”. See what I mean?

Have you ever tried to write down the areas that you need to work on yourself? I think making personal goals where you are concerned would be a wonderful thing to do for yourself…as well as for your wife. It is much harder now than it was as a teenager, isn’t it? I guess getting set in our ways would not be so bad…as long as they were great ways!

You don’t know how much better I feel about the person you are…after you talked more. Thanks for sharing that.
I still feel so badly about your W and what she must have suffered over the years due to the rape. I can’t imagine! How I wished she had received the help she needed. I don’t know how you dealt with it, either. As a minister, how would you counsel a couple that had had this awful experience? I’m not asking you to put it into words here on the board, but in thinking about it to yourself. Couples who go through tragedies in other realms have to figure out a way to make their M work…or else give up, don’t they? Have you ever had to counsel any church members who had anything close to what your W went through?

[wolverine1997]

I have counseled families that have gone through infidelities, lying, possible drug abuse, and other more common problems, but I have never dealt with anything similar to what my wife and I have gone through.

In each of the situations where I have offered counsel the problems that the couples faced were brought on by either one or both of the partners. They created their own problems. One or both cheated, lied, refused to live up to their husbandly or wifely responsibilities, etc. In our situation we had little to no control over what happened.

One of the things that makes our situation so hard is that this is so personal that it is very difficult to talk to most people about. Added to that, there is so much more to our problem that I just can't bring myself to mention to anyone. Without my faith I truly believe that I would have gone crazy or done something that go against my Bible beliefs.

I know that my wife has been traumatized very much between the assualt and my son's autism and is not making rational decisions in her life. But unless she decides to leave or gives me Biblical reasons allowing me to do so I want to continue to try to work things out. I love her very much and don't want o abandon her in her time of need. But I also know that I can't live the rest of my life waiting for her to get help or regain her senses. So I am going to work hard to improve myself and give her the time and space that she needs and then at some point this will all come to a head.

But until that happens I have to try to avoid getting her upset and giving her reasons that justify her behavior in her mind. This is hard because my actions are often blown out of proportion or taken out of context. But hey, I'm no quitter and I have the best help available on my side.

[sandi2]

Added to that, there is so much more to our problem that I just can't bring myself to mention to anyone.

Are you talking in general terms about what happened or is there something you haven't talked about on the board? Don't discuss anything you aren't comfortable with, but if you feel you could unload a burden, then this is probably the safest place to do that since your identity is safe. You probably don't have anyone that you can really unload your problems to b/c you've had to be the one others go to with "their" issues.

[wolverine1997]

A lot of details about the assault that will affect my wife and I the rest of our lives. Just very hard to talk about it. I have thought about what she went through every single day since it happened. The mental, physical and emotional problems that have come because of it have been overwhelming. This is so hard to talk to friends about because it is so personal and painful.

[sandi2]

Then I would say not to even try to talk to friends b/c there are some things that we simply can't talk about to them. However, I think you are seeing the damage it has done to both of you and it will probably get worse as time goes by. I just cannot understand why on earth she would refuse to get help. Can't she see what this has done? I think professional help must be applied b/c this is out of bounds as far as the usual problems of M couples. She needs help as a rape victim and then both of you counseled as a couple who've been through this ordeal. I can't think of much more that could be worse for a couple to face outside of a murder in their family. In some ways, this is what the rape did to her and to your M.