I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Hi Guys,
Yes it seems to be human nature to be attracted to things that are bad for you! But it's also human nature to realize those behaviors and switch it around!

I have a really hard time doing anything thats good for me right but I know that it will be so worth it once I do it. Its just a matter of making the effort to START doing it, once I'm doing it, its much easier. Just like going to the gym, its so hard to force myself to go but once I do, it becomes easier and I feel great afterwards.

And just like what I'm doing now. I didn't want to put any of these ebay items up but when I started, it became easier and easier to do and after finishing, I feel so proud of myself and when the auctions end, and I get money, well I'm even happier!!

Anyway, trying not to think about H but I'm still getting waves of sadness that come for like a minute or 2 and disappear and then comes again and repeat. Well one thing is for sure, it's much better than to have those waves of sadness rather than a whole day of sadness like before. I'm getting there. I just really wonder when I will hear from him again, if ever. I wonder how long it'll take for me to go through life WITHOUT noticing that I didn't hear from him. I'm thinking too much now. I'll stop.

But I do want to get something off my chest. He's 37 and I'm 25. Everyone's had a problem with our age difference. Mainly on his side. But I just wonder how long it'll take for him to get married again. He's never been in a long term relationship. I was his longest. And the longest before me was like a year or less than a year. So knowing him, he's not the long term relationship king of guy. I really believe that he doesnt know how to handle them. He always believes he's right, he doesn't like comprpmise, hes very insensitive to other peoples feelings sometimes and it shows in the relationship he's been in and certainly in our relationship. If I felt a certain way, it'd be silly and he wouldn't take any of it seriously and just continue on with his day. And he was always really dismissive and defensive. I can be in the same room with him and a few others and if I were to say something to him, he'd look at me and ignore everything I said and continue to talk to someone else. It would really p*ss me off and I'd confront him about it and he would get really defensive and say something like.. I didn't think it was important. But to me, it wasn't whether it was important or not, I took the time out to say something and he wouldn't even at least acknowledge it and he did it often in front of people and I would feel so low and embarrassed, its like..OH don't listen to her everyone, she doesn't know anything, just ignore her.

And he's always told me that he would never change his behaviors for anyone and he believes theres absolutely nothing wrong with his behavior, especially in the relationship. He felt like he was doing everything right and I was doing everything wrong. And because he's so smug and sometimes arrogant, I wonder how he is going to survive another relationship because I really can't see any girl putting up with the same behavior that I put up with, for as long as I did. And it just makes me think about his next relationship, and when he'd get married again and if he'd date someone as young as me again. Why am I thinking about this???

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm so young, I have so much time. That's true in a sense. But we never know what will happen in the future, we could be gone tomorrow, no matter what age we are. I know I have youth on my side and if we don't work out, I can easily start dating again and continue on with life and enjoy my youth while I can, but I can't seem to envision my life without him as my H. He was my very first love. I was his very first love. To me, that means we should be together!! The love that we have for each other is so deep and magical, the kind that you don't find often in a lifetime. And it kills me that its over right now. We were so utterly in love with each other in the beginnning, everyone around us could see and would often make comments like.."jesus you guys have got it bad," and the cynical ones would say "your honeymoon period won't last forever." The cynical person seemed to have hit that one right on the nail. But I refuse to believe that it's over. It just can't be.

When I was talking to my friend yesterday in the car (the one who was in a horrible divorce), she was worried that I kept my hope. She said, when she was going through the process, the thing that kept her from moving on and living life again was hope. Hope that her H would come back and everything would be ok. And sometimes, I worry about that too. I worry that if I keep hope alive, I won't move on, no matter how much I GAL and work on myself. And the H keeps saying to me that I shouldn't keep any hope alive for our relationship and I sometimes think I should take his advice, quit and move on. But I don't want to quit. He means so much more to me than that, I want to fight the good fight. Even if he's giving up on me, I can't. I love him so much that I just can't give up. But why do I want to give so much to a man that doesnt feel the same way I do? That doesn't want to fight for me? That doesn't think I'm worth fighting for..?