First Timer

[sandi2]

But you still didn't answer the question. Has she been doing this for a long time or resently started?

I think if you have a happy-go-lucky personality that it helps in DBing. It helps b/c that type of person can try to point out things that are irritating from their S without causing more strife. But, if you are more on the serious type….then you probably could not get by as smoothly as the other could. If you have played and teased with her all these years, then when she answers the phone and says, “yeah”, you could say something like, “Oh I just love the way you answer the phone, dear” and then laugh. But, if you were to say those same words in a sarcastic tone in your voice…..it would be adding fuel to the flames. See what I mean? Everyone cannot do the very same thing and expect the same results in these interpersonal R’s. So, whatever your type of personality may be (if you don’t have a disorder personality type) then use that to the best of your ability. If you have a type that seems to not be as attractive as it needs to be, then maybe some person other than your W could help you with that.

I used to have a difficult time seeing my own bad traits in things like this. I wanted to “justify” what others may have thought was a mistake/wrong doing by me. I think a lot of that has to do with the way we are raised, our environment, etc. If it is pointed out to us, and especially if a stranger has the wrong concept, then maybe it is something to think about and to work to correct.

I speak very plain, as you have experienced, and that is not seen as an attractive trait for some women to have. Some see that as not being “lady-like”. In the workforce, military, area of leadership, etc., yes it is often needed, but in R’s…..it can be found offensive. When it was brought to my attention that I was sounding completely “different” than I intended, I was shocked! Then I went to work trying to be self-observant in my tone of voice. Another area my H took very personal was how my facial expression looked when talking to him as we went down through town. He said people would think badly of how it “appeared” and that I looked as if I was having a fight with him, when in reality I may have been telling him about somebody else. So, that is just an example.

I can understand “control” issues b/c that was the way I was for many years. I may hit you over the head here on the post, but I am truly trying to help you see yourself as somebody else may.