First Timer

[wolverine1997]

I just appoligized to wife for last night and expressed my sorrow for violating her space. She basically blew me off and said that she doesn't let me get her upset. I can never win. I'm really starting to think that she really does hate me.

[Eye of the Tiger]

My WAW is pretty pissed at me right now also.At least when I dropped the kids off before she gave me a kinda nervous smile.Sometimes we do things because they are so ingrained in all the years of marriage that we don't realize we are doing them.Laying down next to her was an invasion of her space.But I know how you feel.My W is going for a sep.now.She thinks she is going to get everything she wants out of this.She is wrong because I'm going to get my terms in there to.

[Eye of the Tiger]

I sometimes think my W hates me too.But I like to think that she is really just mad at herself.

[wolverine1997]

I guess I just don't see how she can get so upset about me "violating her space" when she violates so many aspects of our marriage with no sorrow or regret.

[Eye of the Tiger]

I know how you feel.They don't think about destroying the family,throwing away years together,etc.Thats why I know there is definitely something to this MLC thing.But I think I'm learning.Botto mline ,if she wants to throw everything away,fine,but I'm not going to make it easy for her.It may be her choice but it doesn't mean I have to take it lightly.

[wolverine1997]

But I guess at the same time I don't want to give her ammo to justify her decisions and I do want to become the best person that I can be. (Funny how I always thought that I couldn't get any better).

[wolverine1997]

Question to all. My wife is often rude to me. When I call she answers the phone by saying "yeah", she won't say hello or goodbye when she hangs up. When she comes into the house she won't say hello or say goodbye when she leaves. This is very rude in my opinion. Should I say something to her about it or let it go? Would saying something be an passive-agressive act? I don't think it's too much to ask for to be civil and respectful.

Also, at some point this week I'm going to tell her that she has to pay half of the insurance deductible for the water damage in the house.

Lastly, I told her today that I might want to go to my family reunion in OCT. She blew me off and told me to have fun.

[sandi2]

My wife is often rude to me. When I call she answers the phone by saying "yeah", she won't say hello or goodbye when she hangs up. When she comes into the house she won't say hello or say goodbye when she leaves. This is very rude in my opinion. Should I say something to her about it or let it go?

Well, #1, what tone of voice is she using when she answers the phone? That says most of the story as to whether or not she's showing disrespect. Some people can say "yeah" in a very friendly, upbeat tone of voice. #2, how long has she done this? If she's been doing it for years, why say something now that the M is in trouble?

Different people have different habits that are not necessarily “bad”, but they do not see it as being “rude” behavior, it’s simply their custom or tradition or whatever. Have you ever talked to her about this? Why now?

At this point in time….I would think you are nit-picking. Perhaps you’ve always been this way. Maybe it is part of what makes you up, but it is not one bit attractive IMO. I think you are a perfectionist and you probably ride your wife’s a$$ about every little detail that comes along. You can’t let anything go b/c you want to keep hanging on to the issue. I’m sure she is sick of it.

Yes, you were trying to control things when you went into her room. You may have been using intimidation or maybe you thought your presence would make her feel enough pressure to just start spilling her guts (since you weren't saying anything.) At any rate, the purpose of you going into her room was to force something! You don’t like it when things don’t go to suit you, do you? I find it interesting that there has been (I think) 2 times that you admitted to messing up. Most LBS blame themselves all the time for mistakes, but you are usually blaming your W or somebody/something else. Yoiu must be able to look at yourself with her eyes. You have enough problems without trying to hunt for more.

[wolverine1997]

Well, here we go. I decided to talk to my wife about her rudeness. I told her that she may not be aware that she is doing this but when I talk to her on the phone she often answers by saying "yeah" instead of hello and will hang up without saying "bye". I also told her that she comes into and leaves the house without speaking or saying that she is leaving. And when I try to talk to her about anything she frowns and responds in such an irritated manner.

As usual she immediately got irritated and said, "don't you think you have done the same thing"? I told her no I don't think that I've done that but if I have then she should have said something when it happened. She then said that she didn't say anything because she doesn't care. So I responded if you don't care why are you bringing it up? I told her that I'm bringing it up because I care and find it very rude. She gave me a smart alec remark like "I'll consider it".

She is so difficult to deal with. I really don't know what to do. Should I just ignore her and not speak to her? Should I continue to try to DB and do what I think is right? Part of me wants to just ask her to leave. I know that she can't afford it but so what. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Deep down I still think that she is just staying long enough to get her finances together so that she can leave. The problem is, knowing her, she will never get her finances together. She can't budget or save money. She is just using me right now to take care of everything while she tries to pay off all of her bills.

[sandi2]

But you still didn't answer the question. Has she been doing this for a long time or resently started?

I think if you have a happy-go-lucky personality that it helps in DBing. It helps b/c that type of person can try to point out things that are irritating from their S without causing more strife. But, if you are more on the serious type….then you probably could not get by as smoothly as the other could. If you have played and teased with her all these years, then when she answers the phone and says, “yeah”, you could say something like, “Oh I just love the way you answer the phone, dear” and then laugh. But, if you were to say those same words in a sarcastic tone in your voice…..it would be adding fuel to the flames. See what I mean? Everyone cannot do the very same thing and expect the same results in these interpersonal R’s. So, whatever your type of personality may be (if you don’t have a disorder personality type) then use that to the best of your ability. If you have a type that seems to not be as attractive as it needs to be, then maybe some person other than your W could help you with that.

I used to have a difficult time seeing my own bad traits in things like this. I wanted to “justify” what others may have thought was a mistake/wrong doing by me. I think a lot of that has to do with the way we are raised, our environment, etc. If it is pointed out to us, and especially if a stranger has the wrong concept, then maybe it is something to think about and to work to correct.

I speak very plain, as you have experienced, and that is not seen as an attractive trait for some women to have. Some see that as not being “lady-like”. In the workforce, military, area of leadership, etc., yes it is often needed, but in R’s…..it can be found offensive. When it was brought to my attention that I was sounding completely “different” than I intended, I was shocked! Then I went to work trying to be self-observant in my tone of voice. Another area my H took very personal was how my facial expression looked when talking to him as we went down through town. He said people would think badly of how it “appeared” and that I looked as if I was having a fight with him, when in reality I may have been telling him about somebody else. So, that is just an example.

I can understand “control” issues b/c that was the way I was for many years. I may hit you over the head here on the post, but I am truly trying to help you see yourself as somebody else may.