I’m doing OK, I have an appointment with my IC on Thursday and also an appointment to look at an apartment. I talked to a coworker at my law firm who does domestic work and got some legal guidance also.
Normally, this would be the time when I start letting my guard down. Things are calm, no discussions about our M or issues, and I start feeling like things are OK. That’s why I always get the wind knocked out of me when one of these discussions crop up, it catches me off-guard. And that’s also why I’m fast-tracking the apartment and separation plans while last week’s discussion is still fresh in my mind. I’m not letting myself forget it, and I review my post from last week from time to time to remind myself of the pain of it, so I don’t get caught off-guard again.
I am determined I am not going to let H bring me down again. His divorce threat several years ago was in the form of “just leave, and don’t take anything with you, including the kids. I paid for all of it…” That sent me into a tail-spin, I was a SAHM, no income, and scared to death. A couple years prior to the bomb, he had asked about swinging, and I always said “no”. This time when he asked, I was beaten down, scared, and on anxiety meds, so I gave up the fight and said “ok”. (My first mistake, letting fear take over my judgment.) I was hoping that nothing would happen, but then I could say we tried and he would be off my back about it. After we got there, I saw that the evening was progressing in a direction I wasn’t expecting or wanted, and that my hopes of nothing happening were quickly dashed. A bottle of Goldschlaeger was brought out, and I used that to numb myself to the events going on, which included a game of Strip Trivial Pursuit and Truth or Dare. I was more afraid of the consequences of saying “No” to the evenings events than I was of going through with them, because I knew how badly H wanted it. (Mistake ongoing, fear is still in control.) I remember feeling like a zombie as we all moved into the bedroom. We were all on the same bed, I was having sex with a guy I knew for maybe 2 hours, and H was 18 inches away, on the same bed, f*** the other woman. It felt surreal. Immediately after, the other three are enjoying their afterglow, and I’m running to the bathroom to vomit. (Hey guys- how would that affect your ego? F*** a woman, and she throws up when you’re done?)
It doesn’t stop there. After we get home, I crawl into bed, feeling totally numb. H curls up behind me, says thank you and that he feels so close to me, and wants to ML. Oh, and by the way, since he’s feeling close, he wanted to tell me that he cheated on me a couple times recently. I didn’t scream, cry, or anything, just said “Oh”. That’s when my love for him died- he killed it over the course of theevening. I was sacrificing my standing as his only lover that night, and I found out that it was already gone. Any swinging activities after that, while still painful emotionally, didn’t hurt as much as that night because I was already detaching myself from my H.
I know you didn’t ask for the details, but again, this is for me- I’m reminding myself of where I started, where I am at now, and that I need to guard from going back there. I can’t let myself get sucked into his “concerns” about my so-called insecurities. He claims that concern is a bigger deal to him than the swinging, and he doesn’t understand why I keep linking the two in my mind. Let’s see, he threatened to cheat if I force a traditional marriage, he acts like a child because I wasn’t interested in activities at a sex club, he continues to monitor his profiles on swingers websites, he told me he was interested in making arrangements to meet a couple of women, he can’t say that his marriage is more important to him than a variety of sexual partners, etc. Meanwhile, I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, and it’s apparent to friends and family- except him. He thinks I should be back on Paxil. Yeah, right… The time is right to take control of my life, and I don’t need him in it if that’s how he wants things, so onwards I go…
