What worked the first time? What was your courtship like? What does she like to do? Movies, music, outdoors, travel........ Make it about her. I bet it didn't involved watching Britcoms every Sat night (Minding the pedestrian Hyacinth.) Do something different. Once I got to the friendship stage here are some things I did: - bought her a CD of a new fav band - concerts - looked good/smelled good/felt good around her - went out to dinner at new places - shared more about me - sharpened my listening skills - flirt with her but be very coy about it
Lead the romance dept now as well. I did not initiate affection, my goal was to get her to. Changes how you plan your actions.
You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What worked the first time? What was your courtship like? What does she like to do? Movies, music, outdoors, travel........ Make it about her. I bet it didn't involved watching Britcoms every Sat night (Minding the pedestrian Hyacinth.) Do something different. Once I got to the friendship stage here are some things I did: - bought her a CD of a new fav band - concerts - looked good/smelled good/felt good around her - went out to dinner at new places - shared more about me - sharpened my listening skills - flirt with her but be very coy about it
Lead the romance dept now as well. I did not initiate affection, my goal was to get her to. Changes how you plan your actions.
Gima, I'm going to interrupt, if you don't mind.
Coach, I'm not sure I get this. Your list seems like pursuing. What I'm asking is what defined, characterized, confirmed you and Greek being in the Friendship Stage? I know that sounds like a question with an obvious answer, but to me right now it is not. What preceded that stage for you,?
My wife seems to be and I definitely am still often in a tentative, stand-offish stage. Damn eggshells keep re-appearing. I am working on getting past that, progressing and regressing at times in thought if not in action.
Thanks.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Question. Coach, I follow what you are saying. How much is too much? She likes going out to dinner and she likes cooking. I thought a cooking class (one night thing) would be a good idea - I just don't want to come on too strong. Too much?
Now, if I could only figure out what will draw her back. I know, what I'm doing, so long as I am leading and working on me.
Well the fact you did not try to "rescue" her from her feeling sick from all her stress, is one fantastic way of drawing her back! I am so proud of you!! If you had been running in and out of the room trying to pamper her when she was feeling badly, I promise you that she would not have gotten up in a good mood and taking part in the family evening. Can you look back and see how you did all of that just exactly like you needed to? You weren't acting like a jerk....but you didn't try to rescue her from her problems!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Coach, I'm not sure I get this. Your list seems like pursuing. What I'm asking is what defined, characterized, confirmed you and Greek being in the Friendship Stage? I know that sounds like a question with an obvious answer, but to me right now it is not. What preceded that stage for you,?
I’m not trying to answer for Coach, but let out a big “sigh” when I read this. The reason is b/c I’ve been asked questions similar to that one and I suppose it is one of those types of questions that women want to react to (lol).
Quote:
Coach, I follow what you are saying. How much is too much?
Can you see me pulling my hair and screaming “MEN!!” (OH, I’m just kidding you!)
First, you did notice that Coach said he & Greek had to get to that stage of friendship. Once there in that stage, it opens the door for the couple to do more. It appears they are being good friends, but it actually allows the WAS to fall in love again. As long as the LBH feels that he is walking on eggshells, then he & WAW are not in the friendship stage. Remember that friends seem to "like" one another and are relaxed around each other and they are “free” to do more at that point without the fear of the WAW reacting in a negative way. Yes, he still has to take things at a watched pace and not get crazy, but it would seem that it was in that stage he could do these things like Coach did.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You two guys know I'm just picking on you, but I do wonder if all this stress in your MR has gotten you so tense that you are questioning and analyzing EVERYTHING. Your WAW can tell when you are not relaxed and it puts everyone "deffense" and she will feel like she's walking on those egg shells as well. The first goal to reach (IMO) is for eveyone to start feeling relaxed around each other. Then try to stop putting a magnify glass over every little thing and worring about it. That is so easy for me to say as a WAW, isn't it? Didn't mean to sound like that, but since I've not been in the LBS's shoes, I suppose it is something that I see all LBS have in common here on the board and I see the fear in their posts. I think a lot of you have worked so hard on your improvements that it may have you in knots about some other things. Makes sense that it would after your S wants to leave! I'll hush before I burry myself deeper!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for your advice. And, no, I don't think (ever) you are picking on me. I really appreciate you taking the time to provide advice I would not otherwise have - priceless.
I understand about the walking on eggshells thing. I am not there anymore, but I am still hesitant when it comes to leading v. pursuing. I feel like my W and I are in the friends stage - almost like she is getting to know "me" again (I know this is a "me" she hasn't seen in a while and probably thought would never return).
So, the next move. I am not apprehensive about asking her if she would like to go to dinner or "hey, I was looking the other day and saw a cooking class I thought would be fun. You want to do that?"
What do you think Sandi (or anyone else out there).
OK evening. We had a dinner club thing with 9 other people from our Church. Really did not get to speak to W at all, and did not get to sit with her at the table. Oh well.
I sat at the other end of the table and carried on conversations with two different groups on my end - guess that's a 180 for me - I do not normally speak a lot at such dinners. I tried to see if I could catch W looking at me - never did. Practiced flirting with the woman beside me - nothing crazy that W could notice.
W looked beautiful (not "hot," but beautiful). That sort of beautiful that her outward appearance seems to pull from inside her. I don't think she thought so. But, she really did.
Earlier in the day, flirted briefly with W. She was talking about taking kids to one of our friend's pools when the pool deck was reapired. Our friend told her it was wall to wall workers there now. With a smile, I said, I bet the workers would love to see you. She replied "yeah" as if to say "I don't think so."
Tucked the kids in tonight after getting home. D5, with her little angelic face, told me my shirt (a linen shirt my W bought me pre-bomb) was "cute" and she liked it. That made my day. At least there is one female who isn't scared to give me a compliment on my looks - and I did look pretty sharp tonight. New cologne too - didn't wear it before bomb.
Sitting in bed typing this post, with my W a few feet across the hall in another room. Damn, so near, yet so far. Still have a lot of work to do. I can either feel sorry for myself (which I, nor anyone here, will allow) or I can embrace tomorrow as another day of opportunity for me. Think I like the latter of those two the most.
