Changing Man

[Gardener]

PS.. G-Man.Next time you're going somewhere I am.. give me a heads up!!!

Y'know, 2 other reasons I abandoned the idea of holding the sign to say hello:
1)I realized that you were connected to the show since you sounded knowledgeable (and proud) of it and you didn't say, "go GAL at The Music Man," or "go check it out," but "come see The Music Man". So, being somehow connected, you were probably there by the time I posted (1 hr, before show) and never saw the post.
2)Also, that you may well be with people to whom you wouldn't want to say, "Gypsy? That's me!"
Anyway, after telling my son, 30 (an actor) all about the show (and the upcoming Center Stage season), he and I may go next weekend.

[Gardener]

Instead of wishing your wife would fill out a slip saying what the core problem is, consider writing down what you need in a positive relationship.

I'm going to do this. Had planned on it a while back.

Planned on it because in my best-case-scenario my wife would come full-circle back to us eventually. And I would be ready to say that I don't want to go back, don't even want to make it better. No, what I believe is that after all the pain and with all we've learned and all we've grown, I truly believe it could be not better, but wonderfully different. And then share what we want from ourselve, our R and M and each other. And together build, contract, the wonderfully different. (hey, I did say best-case scenario, remember!)

And I wonder if I've avoided taking a good, hard look at what I want in a relationship. avoided it because after months of MC, DB, reflection, acknowledging and trying to change my shortcomings and contributing factors, I haven't looked at hers. I may have to face my never-met and no-longer-met needs. And the reality that they may well be never-to-be-met needs.

If that makes any sense.

And, no, I don't think I'm indulging my penchant for over-thinking, here.
Have to make that list and think....

[Gardener]

... wouldn’t another friend call or knock before entering your house; or 2)if she is free to do your house that way, you need to ask her for a key to her place so you can come & go as you please there!

Yep. the jury (all of you) and I have all spoken. Perfectly reasonable and I've avoided it. I will correct it. Of course, after 8 months my dear wife still thinks it's her home.

Then again, the first time in MC I responded to something by saying, "But, herfirstname, you left...," she told me she did not leave.

[Gardener]

Bravehardt,

Your analogy is right ontarget with some of what I think about.I have the same apprehension every time I think about my sitch,it drives me crazy.

I hear you. In the future, I'm going to remember that I'm driving me crazy when I do this. And, I'll definitely remember:

Hey Gardener!
Stop. Just stop right now. Stop that 'thinking alot' thing. Thinking alot is like hitting a dead horse. Swirling thoughts of shuddawuddacudda that go absolutely nowhere.

!!

[Gypsy]

Hey..

It would be fun to meet you. I'm watching the show on closing night, Saturday, Aug. 1 with friends who are flying in from Michigan to see it. I'm backstage the two other evenings. Give me the proverbial heads up if when you go and I'll be glad to meet and greet!

*hugs*

[Gardener]

I have a mostly take-it-easy day planned today. Beach plans cancelled due to weather (and exhaustion). So, do the laundry, clean the garage kind of day. I just called my wife (first time in weeks). Made plans to meet this afternoon for some financial transactions. I'll set that popping-in-the-house-unannounced boundary then.

I need to do review, assess, add to 180 list. Goals need to be graded and updated, so I should spend some DB time today,..........No, wait. Look at that.

I want to re-word, re-state that:

I want to spend some time today revisiting my 180s and goals because I really want to take an honest look at where I'm progressing, on track, lagging, avoiding, etc.

There. Much better. I wanted to re-word that because in last week's IC, I took a look at the way I frame any to-do's in my mind: "I have to, should, I'd better, I must, etc." Not good. Deeply ingrained.

It's largely why I procrastinate so much and tend to dread to-do's.
And it's a not-so-subtle anti-PMA thing, too, really.

[Gardener]

(Long) Journaling
This morning was one of heavy reading and analyzing. Catching up on things I've wanted to read on this forum, specifically the Successful Men stuff that sg and others posted. This led me to Gbon, Diehard and TwinDad. Wow.

Reading these Successful Men gave me several Aha! V-8 moments.

DieHard's approach of "deciding early on to be her best friend," mirrored mine. But I think I've gotten away from it, what with not initiating calls, going dim, etc. These have gotten me some positive changes and they have their place in the toolbox. But I think I want to initiate (call) more and reciprocate a bit (like my wife's birthday ice cream invite to me last week).

Perhaps the only, fragile bond remaining between us is friend: partner, lover, companion, housemates, etc, are all obviously gone. This is my dear friend. Hope I'm not rationalizing or backsliding here in advance of meeting her today.

In reading these Successful Men, the often-used phrase, "'Do what works," popped up. A phrase I think I've ignored. So focused on what's next, I haven't evaluated what I've already done.

What works? Acknowledging our (remaining) friendship works. Using the word "friend" with my wife has gotten positive results. Two months after she moved, we were in a restaurant and I was having one of those really seeing her/really hearing her experiences and said, (thought out loud, actually), "I haven't been your friend in some time." Despite her taking it wrong (I meant,"I haven't acted like your friend in some time,") she later 'got' it and made positive reference to it to her IC and me. Similar references and acknowledgement of our friendship in MC seemed to perk her pretty ears right up, too.

What else worked?

First off, The Note "worked". The last-minute, handwritten note I slipped into the generic Thank-You Card I sent my wife for our anniversary:

W,
While I did not want this path, it has proven to be one
of reflection, hard work, and growth.
I realize I had become more of a boy than a man over time
I am a changing man, now
And I'm...grateful to you for this.

Always,
Gardener

Worked in the sense that she left me a crying Thank-you VM after reading it. She never mentioned it again, and I didn't think I should initiate it again. But it worked in that it was the only crack her veneer, her wall in 8 months.

So, do more of what works, right? I may write her again and share. Not about us, but about two or three things I've learned about her world (people don't leave people, they leave situations, it was a matter of survival in her eyes, she anguished as much before the bomb as I did after, etc.)

If I do this, I may wait until our next anniversary, which is imminent (not gonna say which one ), which is shortly before Gardener Blended Family Annual Seashore Vacation. Or wait until Vacation itself - long walk on the beach kinda thing.

Tomorrow I sign up for 3 more Telecoach Session and hope to flesh this out with Dottie (and you all) soon.

I am really looking forward to seeing my wife this afternoon.

[mac-ct]

people don't leave people, they leave situations, it was a matter of survival in her eyes, she anguished as much before the bomb as I did after

Oh boy.

Enjoy every blessed moment with the good lady G. I envy you.

Mac

[Gardener]

Well, on with the rollercoaster ride!
Disasterous meeting with my wife. After about 10 minutes of pleasantries, she says she's been looking into Medical for me (I'm self-empl, she's corporate w/bennies). Says, among other things "MC said that as soon as my company finds out we're separated, they may well drop you from benefits." I was tempted to say, "well how is ol' MC?" Is she still seeing him after he unilaterally ended our sessions? I know she saw him twice afterwards. I said, thanks for the ideas, I appreciate it and will look into medical when it's time. Besides, we're not legally separated so I don't think that's a potential problem.

Asks me if I've thought about Mediator, so we can get started after Family Vacation. (earlier this month she suggested we not even discuss it until after vacation). I started to say, "I disagree with this path I don't want it but I respect your decision and want you to be happy and I hope you'll respect me, who I am, when I tell you..." She interrupted before I could finish with "no mediator for me, do what you feel you must I won't stand in your way but I won't help you get the wheels in motion" She said, "You act like you think you're better than me because you say you want to work things out," (or words to that effect). I started to say my belief that with all we've learned, grown, etc., I don't want to reconcile, "make it better" but, rather have something wonderfully different. Discuss it, build it. "I did not leave! You made me leave. I had to leave for my health and my life! I was forced out!" I told her that I've learned

...two or three things I've learned about her world (people don't leave people, they leave situations, it was a matter of survival in her eyes, she anguished as much before the bomb as I did after, etc.)

. She said I was belittling her pain and her decisions and I said "Just because we have a difference of opinion on the path to take, please don't think I don't recognize your pain,..." She said I"I don't get the point you're trying to make" I stopped, rethought and then just said, "I'm sorry, I tried my best to make it. Thought I had" She started to tear up, get shaky mad. And I felt terrible even though I was calm and measured and my primary emotion throughout this was just disappointment.

Then she asked if I was still willing to move out of our house in Dec. so she could move in "and live in it again" while it's on the market (this was pre-DB: I first said no, she asked me to reconsider and I said alright.) I said "No, I don't think so," and she jumped right in "You're changing your mind again? I knew when you told me in June that you would that you didn't really mean it, I knew you were going to do this," and started bemoaning having to stay in her apartment, and "I want to live in our house one last time and you're telling me I can't. Great, Just Great." Fine when S & DIL move out, let me know when you're not home so I can start getting my stuff.

So, I know DBing, like everything is "easy when it's easy" and "hard when it's hard", so I will stay the course but that took a lot of the wind out of my sails. I feel resigned to the D. I'm hurt to be spoken to with disdain and looked at with such dead eyes, and being rewritten as some kind of a monster.

And I would like some opinions about changing my own mind again on my offer to move out/her move in in December when her lease is up so she can live here again while we sell it. I do feel bad about it and my flip-flops:
Pre-DB (May) "No. This is my home. I'll be moving when it sells."
Pre-DB (May, in MC) She says she just needs to get out of basement apartment, would I reconsider? I later emailed her, "Oh, okay, the least I can do, I owe you that much, you should have good memories, I'm your friend til the end, so sure, etc.etc." Mr.Nice-Guy-Self-Sacrificing-Fixer.
Post-DB (Today) "No, I don't think so"

I'm not trying to screw her around. I wouldn't. I just changed my mind post-DB. Or am I breaking my word, here, and have to honor the emailed agreement?

If any of you blessed souls has hung on and read this far, I need thoughts on this, please.

[davidswife]

Hi Gardener,

General opinion on the board, is that the spouse who wants to end the marriage is the one who moves out. It's unfortunate that you've flip-flopped on this, but I would stick to your guns.

She wants out of the M, then she moves out and stays out.

Just my .02.

Stacy