Changing Man

[Gardener]

Well, on with the rollercoaster ride!
Disasterous meeting with my wife. After about 10 minutes of pleasantries, she says she's been looking into Medical for me (I'm self-empl, she's corporate w/bennies). Says, among other things "MC said that as soon as my company finds out we're separated, they may well drop you from benefits." I was tempted to say, "well how is ol' MC?" Is she still seeing him after he unilaterally ended our sessions? I know she saw him twice afterwards. I said, thanks for the ideas, I appreciate it and will look into medical when it's time. Besides, we're not legally separated so I don't think that's a potential problem.

Asks me if I've thought about Mediator, so we can get started after Family Vacation. (earlier this month she suggested we not even discuss it until after vacation). I started to say, "I disagree with this path I don't want it but I respect your decision and want you to be happy and I hope you'll respect me, who I am, when I tell you..." She interrupted before I could finish with "no mediator for me, do what you feel you must I won't stand in your way but I won't help you get the wheels in motion" She said, "You act like you think you're better than me because you say you want to work things out," (or words to that effect). I started to say my belief that with all we've learned, grown, etc., I don't want to reconcile, "make it better" but, rather have something wonderfully different. Discuss it, build it. "I did not leave! You made me leave. I had to leave for my health and my life! I was forced out!" I told her that I've learned

...two or three things I've learned about her world (people don't leave people, they leave situations, it was a matter of survival in her eyes, she anguished as much before the bomb as I did after, etc.)

. She said I was belittling her pain and her decisions and I said "Just because we have a difference of opinion on the path to take, please don't think I don't recognize your pain,..." She said I"I don't get the point you're trying to make" I stopped, rethought and then just said, "I'm sorry, I tried my best to make it. Thought I had" She started to tear up, get shaky mad. And I felt terrible even though I was calm and measured and my primary emotion throughout this was just disappointment.

Then she asked if I was still willing to move out of our house in Dec. so she could move in "and live in it again" while it's on the market (this was pre-DB: I first said no, she asked me to reconsider and I said alright.) I said "No, I don't think so," and she jumped right in "You're changing your mind again? I knew when you told me in June that you would that you didn't really mean it, I knew you were going to do this," and started bemoaning having to stay in her apartment, and "I want to live in our house one last time and you're telling me I can't. Great, Just Great." Fine when S & DIL move out, let me know when you're not home so I can start getting my stuff.

So, I know DBing, like everything is "easy when it's easy" and "hard when it's hard", so I will stay the course but that took a lot of the wind out of my sails. I feel resigned to the D. I'm hurt to be spoken to with disdain and looked at with such dead eyes, and being rewritten as some kind of a monster.

And I would like some opinions about changing my own mind again on my offer to move out/her move in in December when her lease is up so she can live here again while we sell it. I do feel bad about it and my flip-flops:
Pre-DB (May) "No. This is my home. I'll be moving when it sells."
Pre-DB (May, in MC) She says she just needs to get out of basement apartment, would I reconsider? I later emailed her, "Oh, okay, the least I can do, I owe you that much, you should have good memories, I'm your friend til the end, so sure, etc.etc." Mr.Nice-Guy-Self-Sacrificing-Fixer.
Post-DB (Today) "No, I don't think so"

I'm not trying to screw her around. I wouldn't. I just changed my mind post-DB. Or am I breaking my word, here, and have to honor the emailed agreement?

If any of you blessed souls has hung on and read this far, I need thoughts on this, please.