Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

My H has repeatedly said that he's a "good person" and "he'd do anything" if someone needed him to. Once he said he'd 'lay down his life for a stranger'. Maybe it's mean of me, but the last time he said something along those lines I said "yeah, you say you'd do that, but you won't commit to someone you say you love. Interesting."

Not mean. Honest. I think being lovingly honest is the only path that allows us to feel okay and not have yet another mess to clean up in the end. I think sometimes it's wise to postpone things as I did about the OW when we first went to MC. It wasn't a deal breaker for me, and my goal at the time was to work on the issues in my M that had made OW possible. However, where I went wrong was, when we reached the point where we started having the discussion about OW, I wasn't completely honest about my feelings about her because I was afraid. I've come a long way since then, and it would have been better to have dealt with it honestly instead of having to clean up that mess now.

So I say good for you for saying that to your H. It's true, and it's not snarky. I think sometimes our spouses need us to shine that spotlight of truth on things. Just the truth, not the truth AND you're a big giant poopy-head because of it.

I hope your H is doing what he said he would (ie "proving it") and I hope that in this process, you'll be able to get some of what you want. Right now, it sounds like the perfect storm may be brewing. I don't have advice, just observing that it sounds like you are on the cusp of being a WAS yourself.

So far, so good. He's either gotten better at lying, or he's actually doing what he promised. It was BFUG's (my new nickname for her...Big Fugly) birthday yesterday, no emails, no calls, nothing but spending time with me and kissing my butt. I just don't know if he's capable of looking like the "bad guy" to people outside of our M...he always tried to make me that person and I think I believed him for a long time. In IC after the bomb, I figured out that was bull, and that he was playing out his "good boy" family role in our M. I was playing the "bad child" role. I think that's why my strategy to save the M worked...I DB'd my heart out, and I made sure I did nothing he could use as an excuse to blame me...thus making him have to be the bad guy if he chose to leave.

But now he has to put on this bad guy hat because he thinks she never knew how he felt about her (um...boys are just clueless, we girls always know) and now he's just going to blow her off and end a friendship. Poor, victimized BFUG, and he will be the cause of someone else's pain. My pain is acceptable, but others' pain is not. And really, I mean every other person. I didn't know that's what he thought being married meant, that I had to buy into his control drama and be the martyr he loves to be as well.

Yes, I am on the cusp of being a WAS, but a very different type of WAS. I just believe that you put your S first and try to respect what they ask for. I also believe there's only room for 2 in the R, and I'm not willing to share. I honestly don't think he has feelings for her anymore, but that's not the point. The point is we don't put ourselves in positions that are uncomfortable to our S or set up the potential for it to happen again.

SD