Originally Posted By: sandi2 I will tell you like I've told a lot of LBH's.......a WAS will treat you as disrespectful as you allow them. It is important that you keep your self-esteem and respect.
Hey Sandi - I'm truly hurt to the core. You never told me that
BTW - I'm planning on acting on that advice starting tomorrow. And there's my W's biggest claim - I didn't give her the respect she deserved. So is this payback time for her? Mac is no longer a doormat. Hmmmmmmm.
Hi Mac, at first I thought maybe you were teasing me, but then I thought maybe you was serious. If you are being serious, then you may want to read what I posted to Orich on “Divorce Not Busted” regarding how important it is for W’s to have respect for her H. There were a couple (maybe more) of posts about that together in a row. I have talked about that issue on several other LBH’s threads.
What I said on MJ’s thread is so true, but especially when it comes to a woman respecting her H. As a LBH, you must have your WAW’s respect before she can love you. She can’t be attracted (in a healthy way) to a man she doesn’t respect. I think that respect if the first target to shoot for and then the love will follow.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
As a WAW, it is possible that she allowed the bitterness to build inside of her for a long period of time. That is what WAW's do! She was very unhappy with your treatment of her and I'm sure that she is reacting out of that resentment. As far as "payback" by disrespecting you b/c you were that way towards her.....I'm not sure that particular emotion works like that. I mean, she could try to pay you back for a lot of things, but we either respect another person or we don't. I do believe that people must "earn" respect and many LBH's do not understand how his trying to hard...actually comes across to his WAW as him looking like a whipped dog. She may have some type of pity for you (at some point), but she won't respect you as a man. It takes a person who can use writing skills better than I, to explain this in the way it deserves.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
6 am in Cape Town and the radio says blue skies all week. 26C today (in spring) lovely!
I think it was a bit of unconscious teasing but with just a hint of the other thing.
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As a WAW, it is possible that she allowed the bitterness to build inside of her for a long period of time. That is what WAW's do! She was very unhappy with your treatment of her and I'm sure that she is reacting out of that resentment.
I never saw any bitterness but I sure saw the result. I only know something built up which was hidden very well. My exploding on that night. W thinking about it for 24 hours, everything seeming normal and the arrival home to an empty house. Wow
She sure was unhappy with my treatment and I have a feeling she was as shocked at her reaction to me that night. There were no slaps but pushing certainly came into the mix in the heat of the moment - from both sides- to my shame. I honestly think the W was afraid of her reactions! Still trying to figure out (but never will) why she said later "I've never been thrown out of my home before."
I feel very positive that the respect issue needs to be addressed. I'll pop back over to Orich and put my reading glasses on.
If anyone else feels like they can elaborate or provide some tips I'd be very much obliged.
Sandi - your skills are just fine. Thanks for your observations. Truly appreciated.
So plans for today:
Call maintenance court to see if W cancelled court date. Call W (if not) and say Woman has been trying to contact you. I understand why you feel you need to go ahead with this but I don't agree. Please put lady out of misery and tell her if you intend to proceed or not.
And on the basis of the answer:
See you on the 17th Would you like to talk.
Sandi - I know your busy and spread very thinly over the board. There's more than just me here. If you could cast a glance over the previous few pages of posts, cut through the idle banter I've been generating and see if you can help me in making a concise list of issues and perhaps suggest a course of action.
I'm going to attempt to do the same later when I get back from work.
Have a wonderful day one and all. I wish us all the very best.
I found your posts on Orich's thread. I had read them but now I really read them.
Just gotta try and put them into practice some way. I honestly feel that the way I handle this "demand" for cash today with the court case is a wonderful opportunity.
Really don't want to screw this up!
My feeling is now, that I'll still call the court but WON'T call the W until tomorrow. W knows it's pay day on the 28th. Lets see how determined she is on how she feels she needs to deal with this.
I've just got to come up with a humdinger of a solution to this opportunity to show the W that I have some backbone.
What I said on MJ’s thread is so true, but especially when it comes to a woman respecting her H. As a LBH, you must have your WAW’s respect before she can love you. She can’t be attracted (in a healthy way) to a man she doesn’t respect. I think that respect if the first target to shoot for and then the love will follow.
I've got nowhere near Sandi's experience or clout, but I want to second this. When H was in denial/lying about the drinking, blaming me for all the ills of the relationship and taking next to no responsibility for his own stuff, I lost a LOT of respect for him.
He's gained it back by never being a day late or a penny short in the child support, and even sending it a few days early the few times I've asked. So yes, I think a woman has to respect a man before she can love him - at least this woman does.
Last edited by Dia; 07/27/0905:12 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
And the first text came through on cue (nearly - was expecting it tomorrow morning. I can't believe how I handled it - sorry to let some anger creep into the replies but being Clark Kent wasn't working (doormat mode)
Morning ken, hope you had a good weekend. Thank you for sending my camera with karin. I do appreciate it. I need the cable to. Regarding the money I need atleast R2500 to survive. Please let me know when I can come and fetch the money. Thank you. Have a nice day.
----- Phone call set a boundry and I put phone down (replies cut out but most were polite until the end)
Hi honey! Hows your day going. Saw you yesterday - looking good. Remembered it was Xmas in July lunch. was confused about Anco's birthday. Yadayada. Doing my best. Left short of money but didn't mind. Dogs and I on biscuits. THHEN she said "Oh please Ken everybody knows... and said it was all bullsh1t. Bullsh1t I said was very indignant. I'll call you later and put the phone down.
-----
Then more text's
W Please ken, I know that you bought a bag of dog biscuits last wednesday. You also had money to buy clothes for yourselve this month. My underwear are worn down and I dont have money to buy new once. I would not have been in this situation. Let me know when I can come tom. Thank you.
M Bought will borrowed money. Drinks paid 4 by mainstay. U chose 2 put yourself in this situation NOT me. Woman from court wants your answer make your mind up. Call u later
W You have put me in this situation know one else. If you would have treated me the way that I should have been. Then I would not have left. It is your choice whether I should go ahead or not. Let me know.
M Bull dust. And I'm trying to dig us both out of this crap. What do you do? Nothing. Letting others do your dirty work. I should be ashamed of yourself. Get home and work on what's important - us. Your dessision. Love or hate?
M Last txt 2 u then will call later - wise words - people don't leave people, they leave situations. The situation has improved. Ive improved. My love and respect 4 u has grown NOT died. Hugs love and every other thing u desire (including new kickers) really want u back
W It is just a shame, that you did not work on it while I was with you. And know that I left after you pushing and shoving me around. Know you want to work at it. Sorry but 3 times was one to many. You should have done something about this long time ago. All your fault. Atleast I can keep my head high.
M Told u no more txts. I have faith in you and me and us. Will call u later I promise. Take it easy sweetpea. Hugs & tiny kiss on cheek
W I have nothing to say ken. You had your chance and you screw it up. Let me know, if you are going to give me the money or if I should phone the women at the court.
M Do what you feel you need to do. It takes 2 to screw;-)
W Are you going to give me the money tom or not. I am trying to do this in a civil manner. Let me know, if you want to do it the same way or not. I have given you everything I had. And you through it all back in my face.
M And everything I gave to u over last month u said thank u for followed by a kick in the nuts. Not nice and showed me what u thought of me. We can sort thus out without ANYONE else. U said that. Now choose to do it. Call u later. Now I need to get work done 2 pay our bills. Hugs
W O and please dont forget what I have done and what I have paid while I was still there. Dont ever forget.
M Will talk later. Hugs
I've no idea where this is taking us. But as one good friend said a while ago...
How are you? It's late over here so this is my last post this morning.
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If the W she feels she must do this out of what I see now as apathy - bring it on. Christ I feel so sad that she's feeling this way. Nothing I can do except motor on. Show her what a pillar of support I can be irrespective of what comes my way or by whom. Take it on the chin with a smile on my face.
You can't fix it, its her drama let it run the course. It's may not be your favorite soap opera but watch and see what happens next you might just be plesantly pleased.
Good night.
M (46) W (45) S (17) D (14) D (6) T (20) M (17) Seperated 3/2009 . When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
