Changing Man

[Gardener]

(Long) Journaling
This morning was one of heavy reading and analyzing. Catching up on things I've wanted to read on this forum, specifically the Successful Men stuff that sg and others posted. This led me to Gbon, Diehard and TwinDad. Wow.

Reading these Successful Men gave me several Aha! V-8 moments.

DieHard's approach of "deciding early on to be her best friend," mirrored mine. But I think I've gotten away from it, what with not initiating calls, going dim, etc. These have gotten me some positive changes and they have their place in the toolbox. But I think I want to initiate (call) more and reciprocate a bit (like my wife's birthday ice cream invite to me last week).

Perhaps the only, fragile bond remaining between us is friend: partner, lover, companion, housemates, etc, are all obviously gone. This is my dear friend. Hope I'm not rationalizing or backsliding here in advance of meeting her today.

In reading these Successful Men, the often-used phrase, "'Do what works," popped up. A phrase I think I've ignored. So focused on what's next, I haven't evaluated what I've already done.

What works? Acknowledging our (remaining) friendship works. Using the word "friend" with my wife has gotten positive results. Two months after she moved, we were in a restaurant and I was having one of those really seeing her/really hearing her experiences and said, (thought out loud, actually), "I haven't been your friend in some time." Despite her taking it wrong (I meant,"I haven't acted like your friend in some time,") she later 'got' it and made positive reference to it to her IC and me. Similar references and acknowledgement of our friendship in MC seemed to perk her pretty ears right up, too.

What else worked?

First off, The Note "worked". The last-minute, handwritten note I slipped into the generic Thank-You Card I sent my wife for our anniversary:

W,
While I did not want this path, it has proven to be one
of reflection, hard work, and growth.
I realize I had become more of a boy than a man over time
I am a changing man, now
And I'm...grateful to you for this.

Always,
Gardener

Worked in the sense that she left me a crying Thank-you VM after reading it. She never mentioned it again, and I didn't think I should initiate it again. But it worked in that it was the only crack her veneer, her wall in 8 months.

So, do more of what works, right? I may write her again and share. Not about us, but about two or three things I've learned about her world (people don't leave people, they leave situations, it was a matter of survival in her eyes, she anguished as much before the bomb as I did after, etc.)

If I do this, I may wait until our next anniversary, which is imminent (not gonna say which one ), which is shortly before Gardener Blended Family Annual Seashore Vacation. Or wait until Vacation itself - long walk on the beach kinda thing.

Tomorrow I sign up for 3 more Telecoach Session and hope to flesh this out with Dottie (and you all) soon.

I am really looking forward to seeing my wife this afternoon.