Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

There is never a waking moment where I am not being who I am. The same is true for you. The difference from one moment to the next is whether who I am (and who I am is JUST a conversation) is given by my past (e.g., the way things should be, what's right/wrong, what's better/worse, what need's to be fixed, etc.) or given by living in and through the present moment (as in being with what is happening and being in concert with that). It's not about "doing," it's about being, though what I'm doing is a reflection of my being.

For me there is a timeless quality to that way of being AND I describe it as being "half-in, half-out" as in being in the moment and seeing it externally as if there was a video camera recording the moment. Another metaphor: it is the calm in the eye of the hurricane. And mostly that is where I "reside."

Mostly people do not experience their present (or more correctly their present is their past). They do experience being present when they are absorbed in some activity and time passes without notice (a quality of timelessness is often reported), it could be a shared moment with another human being that is also experiencing a similar timelessness). But have you noticed that if you attempt to recreate some expereince that seemed magical in the moment, it is incredibly difficult or it just does not quite compare (the act of comparison is also an issue)? Why? Because rather than being "present" you are being your "past."

In all likelihood the last time when you experienced being present over a sustained period was as a child.

Not so for me.

What it does appear to boil down to is something simple; do I stay or do I go. I know what I get, in the short-term, if I stay. I have some sense of what I'll deal with if I go. This is analogous to choosing ice cream flavors: vanilla or rocky road. Choose.

And even if there is one choice (vanilla), there is nothing to do but to choose it. Your choice is "vanilla." Choose.

Just as Sheehy used the crustacean model of growth and shedding one's shell as an example of moving from one stage to the next, so, too, am I at that point.

I'm headed to Baltimore this afternoon to make a presentation this week.