I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

Thanks for the comments everyone!!

davidswife: I'm very aware that I am the one that is allowing it and I'm in the process of trying to break myself free. It's not healthy and its doing nothing but keeping me stuck in this situation. It's very hard to break out of the habit of allowing my thoughts to be consumed by him but I'm determined to make that happen. Yesterday was a very good indication of my hard work!! I didn't have to snap that much at all!

mac-ct: I find it very easy to give advice, empathy and encouragement to others, it's always easy to be hard on yourself. But I'm working on it, I need to learn to love myself more and condition myself to believe that I deserve to be happy in life. I'm getting there, slowly but surely!

Wifey: the trip was amazing!!

The majority of time was spent being stuck in traffic, however.
But it didn't matter to me at all because I was in the car with my friends and we were chatting away and it was so much fun chatting with them. I was in a car with 2 of my friends, one of which is having trouble with her boyfriend so she was very sad when she picked me up (an hour late because she was crying at home and didn't notice the time until I rang her). We talked about her problems, and my problems. It was good to get our feelings out. We were stuck in taffic for 2 hours!

And once we got to the cape, we needed to find parking in one the ferry parking lots and they were all full and we were turned away everywhere we went so we had to find parking somewhere random so we found a small parking lot specifically for a bike trail and we decided that if we were ever going to get on the ferry, we needed to just park there and walk to the ferry shuttle which picked us up at one of the parking lots that were full. We met up with my best friend and her boyfriend and 3 of his friends and took the ferry over to the vineyard. The island was PACKED!! And it was boiling HOT!!

We had really expensive fried seafood (of course they paid for me, what would I do without them, starve! hehe)and then rented a bike to ride around the island. This was the best thing I have done in a long time. I felt so liberated. To begin with, I was extremely scared of riding a bike as I hadn't been on one since I was a kid to be honest. And I was always extremely scared of riding a bike in traffic alongside cars but I had no choice, my friends egged me on and told me that I would be OK. One of my friends there didn't even know how to ride a bike!! So my best friend's BF's friend was nice enough to hire a tandem and ride her around the island! So we all got our bikes and we had to cross through the busy town with all the traffic and I was SO SCARED. I didn't ride the bike, I was sitting on it and just walking along because I was so scared, I'm pretty sure people were laughing at me! But once we got out of the center and reached the beachside, I attempted to ride the bike and went had some difficulties because the seat of the bike was too low and I got help adjusting the seat and it was smooth sailing from there. I ended up going faster than everyone else!! And I told myself, I can't be scared riding next to cars so I headed onto the street (because you couldnt ride on the sidewalk) and although I was shakey at first, I got the hang of it and it felt so good. I went quite fast and all my friends fell behind so I was riding by myself most of the time and at that very point, I felt so liberated, I gained a bit of the feeling that I had when I was backpacking alone in Ireland, so happy to be alive and breathing the fresh air, feeling the wind and sun. For the entire bike ride, I felt what it was like to be happy again and the feeling was so intense that I nearly cried, out of joy. Words just can't describe how I felt and I am beyond thrilled that I forced myself to go. I finally got that feeling back, even though it was shortlived, I got a taste of what I was missing and throughout the day, I was thinking about how I need to do this more often, so that the feeling isn't shortlived and is rather, here to stay.

I was really nervous about meeting all the guys that were coming along with us because I felt like I wasn't going to be happy and I was going to be a sad sap throughout the entire day but I wasn't one bit. I joked around more than anyone, I talked more than anyone, and it felt great. I told my best friend about my concern of being so depressed there that I would bring the group down and it was the complete opposite!! My BF sat next to me on the ferry ride back and I turned to her and thanked her for making me go on the trip, and she turned back and said, "you thought you were going to be sad and boring, all the guys just told me they loved you, they think you're an absolute blast!" That made me feel really good. For that one day, I truly returned to my old self without faking it, I was the happy, fun, jokey B that had been lost for so long. And I want her back, and she will come back soon. I know it takes time, but she's coming back, I'll make sure of it.

I came home happy but also felt the depression creeping back once I was dropped off. I instantly missed my friends and the good feelings of being around them. I went to bed and fell asleep but tossed and turned more than I ever had since H left. I had horrible dreams about him and woke up a few times to myself crying and the pillow being soaked in my tears. I felt sooo lonely that it was really hard to fall asleep. My anxiety crept back, my stomach knots and the emptiness all returned. I couldn't understand why I felt that bad after having such a good day. I couldn't for the life of me try to make the feeling go away. I took some medication, I tried some relaxation breathing techniques that my IC taught me, I tried to think of good day I had and just positive things in general, and it just wouldn't go away. So I sat there in bed, holding my stomach, in the dark of night, listening to the rain lashing down and waited to fall asleep. It took a long time but I eventually did even though I still kept tossing and turning. So I just had to get up and do something and now the pains are gone.

Next week, I am going to a dinner party in the city and there's no buts about it. I need to go out and GAL more, because I'm only realizing now the powerful effects it has on my mood. I am hoping to go out to more than just the dinner but we will see. I really want to go buy that bike now. But I still can't afford it. In time. I am working on selling a ton of stuff so once I make enough for a deposit, whatever I have left will go to the bike! It's one of those adorable vintage style Schwinn bikes in pastel blue and I want to buy a basket for it as it doesn't come with one. I can't wait, I'm so excited! I'm going to ride it all over B-town, the Common and the Charles! My butt is SO sore though! I wasn't used to the seat and it was quite painful but I still forced myself to ride it, my BF was complaining about it too as she hadn't been on a bike since she was a kid as well!

Its back to rain and no shine today. That's OK though because today is a project day. I need to list about 50 more eBay items and work on cleaning my room as well as doing my laundry. I keep saying I'll do my laundry but I have not done my laundy since H left, 6 weeks ago!!! That's absolute insane. Yes, I do have that much clothes..I'm a wardrobe stylist, of course I would! OHH! And HUGE news!! I was talking to my friend in the car about my business and how I'm so upset that its no longer going, and she really tried to get me not to shut it down and offered to be my business partner!! She wouldn't be able to work with my but she would invest! That is huge!! I think I am going to go forward with it. And I know she is trustworthy, actually, more than trustworthy! She is THE least selfish person I know. She paid for everything for me without asking for anything back in return and she lent me more money than anyone did to pay for the overdue rent, which I'm so grateful for. So I am excited about that but I have a lot of work to do before picking it back up again. I need to take photography and lighting classes and rent a studio in town and hire some assistants but that's something I won't do until I feel much better about myself and feel more confident. But I have decided that the business was too much of a success to let it all go. She really pushed me to do this because she had a business with her H and when they divorced, she was so distraught and depressed that she didn't care about anything and gave up the business and actually gave everything to HIM. And he's an absolute pr*ck! And she didn't want me to make the same mistakes as her and thus, really wants to help me with my business. This is really excited, I was really scared of losing the business and I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to be doing it anymore. I have much more hope for it now!