Just saw this wonderful post from Sandi2 on gima's thread that hit me and gives me more hope. Thanks Sandi....
Originally Posted By: sandi2
don't forget how we women like to talk to other women! You know how differently men & women "think" and she probably wanted to talk to a gf b/c she felt like another woman would "understand"........ That is one reason we women turn to our gf to talk is for the sympathy.So, now you may feel as if I’m telling you to be like a woman! (lol) No so.
Your WAW may be on the verge of realizing she can't truly run away from her life. She still has responsibilities she can't ignore....... I'm also glad you did not say anymore than you did b/c it would have been easy to have lost the ground you've gained. You let her know that she chose this....however, she can come back. I don't get WAW's thinking their LBS should finance their expenses! That is one of the consequenses of leaving the M. That is what she is experiencing.
I'm trying to figure out what is going on (please go up a few posts to see what I'm trying to come to grips with).
Rent and electric 1500 (bull manure - paying "friend" for rent?) Food and drinks 800 (wonder how much is for drink?) Toiletries 300 (agreed) Petrol for interviews 300 (more manure) Internet for cv 200 (200 pays for ADSL for a month!) Cigarettes 600 (ha! I can relate to this one) Total 3700 (but no less than 3000)
Started out at 2000 Last week 2500 was mentioned.
Still no text message. No nothing. Just sitting there waiting for the rest of the world to bail her out.
Hi Mac, you've asked me a couple of times to take a look at your thread. I have been keeping up with it as best I could. I have to say that you have the best PMA of anyone I've seen on here! If you could bottle that up and sell it, you would be very rich!! I call myself a “realist” but that can often times be misused for being negative. I have to work against depression and looking through negative glasses. So, sometimes if I feel that I am going to pull another poster down with a lot of garbage, I won’t say anything. I feel that you have received very good support and the main thing is you are reaching out to other posters on their threads and not just waiting for somebody to come to yours. That is the thing to do!
Obviously you have a true WAW on your hands. I’m not sure I have her figured out as far as any R’s with OP. I do believe our friends have tremdous influence in our lives. Have you ever suspected that she could have an A with another woman? I am wondering if OW may be pursuing your W and trying to get her to experiment with alternative lifestyle. I am strickly guessing and as the old saying goes….pulling straws out of thin air.
There does not have to be another person that the WAW is attracted to before she walks away from her M. It could just be the “idea” of being free to date and having her own life without obligations to M. However, I do not support the fact she is expecting you to completely finance her while she is S from you. The fact she went up $500 more this month seems to be rather extreme. Did she give any reason….like one outstanding bill? Maybe she had to pay a credit card company in oder to get them off her back. Anyway, it is my personal belief that a LBH should not enable his WAW to life apart from him if she has chosen to leave him. There may be an extreme exception at times, but I sure don’t see it in your stitch. I know you would not desire that your W return out of desparation for financial support, but that she would return b/c she loves you and wants to be with you. But I feel that as long as you are willing to hand out the cash to her, she will continue to live apart from you. Take care and keep up your sunny disposition. Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am honored that you have visited (be it only by stealth) my humble abode. I'm also honored that you have seen the leaps and bounds from the crud I was spouting a mere two months ago to where I stand Tall & Proud now. Just have slight speed-wobbles every now and again.
A touch of pessimism now and again is fine. It makes for a fine contrast if taken in the right frame of mind. I'm in such a groove now that it really wouldn't hurt me (much).
Support from friends here and in the real world is what keeps me trucking on. That and my undying love and faith in my W - irrespective of how hard she sometimes tries to hurt me. Just means I'm still in her thoughts.
I feel that walking the threads here are so very important for everyone. Anything I can do even if it's just injecting some levity (at the right time and the right dose) I'll do. And on the trip I keep finding "stuff" that makes so much sense from the "old timers"
Re: friends. At the moment my energy is focused fully on myself (unless I'm here). I've also found that I'm able to listen really really well. My memory has improved drastically from the early days. Everyone has seen the difference. Everyone is reporting things back to me (I've never asked - it's always been volunteered) that I had no idea about. Everyone is astounded that it's taking my W so long to extract her head out of her a$$. Everyone is still confident that this will end beautifully. I can only surmise that the reverse is true. I pray it is.
W strictly a one man woman. I promise. We had a "break" a few years back. She actually went out with a M and then came running back so fast. She was furious that she'd been dumped and the M was slagging her name off to anyone who would listen. That hurt her to the core! (good!). What I can't promise is that "friend" isn't trying. She did it with our Maid Of Honor a long while back. I'd love to see what the W would do to her if she tried that on. She's be out of there so quickly.
Ahhhh - the idea of being free strikes such a chord with me. W has had a miserable couple of years. Failing company. Car repossessed. Father was a pain - always moaning (he finally shipped off to Johannesburg after a three month stay in our home). Me (being equally affected by this lot). What did I do? Fall into the same pit with the rest of them. So I can see that the option of disappearing into the sunset would be an attractive one to my W. Especially with "friend" being such a fun loving role model.
This finance thing is still bugging the life out of me. I know that "someone" is after her because of the phone calls.
I also was told that the decision to leave was my W's irrespective of the cause. I was also told that she must live with the consequences of her actions. So - no cash. Then both of them were tapped out. And the requests/demands started. And the odd sob story. What could I do but give her what she was asking for. Now W has fobbed the dirty work off onto someone else - the courts. This really does suck.
I honestly don't mind supporting her but I'll be damned if I'm going to watch the money make it's way to our "friend".
I honestly think W is confused to heck about the money thing (and everything else). She's torn between asking for what she barely needs to survive (2000) to an amount nearly double after a weekend back with "friend". After the help I gave her she's toned the request back to somewhere doable.
I agree fully with your comment...
Quote:
it is my personal belief that a LBH should not enable his WAW to life apart from him if she has chosen to leave him.
Hard that it is to do. I don't want to see my W sad, lonely, skint. It actually hurts Sandi.
And
Quote:
I feel that as long as you are willing to hand out the cash to her, she will continue to live apart from you.
So I'm pulling my horns back in. I'll have to handle this court thing on the 16th or 17th next month. I honestly want to talk to my W about finances. She just doesn't turn up. I've no idea what the next text message will say just after pay day. It'll be to late to stop the summons anyway UNLESS my wife calls before the court date and stops it.
I pray this won't happen. I pray that Karen will talk a good dose of GF sense into her and I'll wait for her to call and report back later. I wish she'd tow W with her back to our home.
I still won't believe any negative feedback. Thats just going to show me that the W is still hurting.
Sunshine internal lamp now warming up for trip to one of the locals to watch the Rugby. I'd watch it at home but I cut back the Satellite account to save money - now I can't get the main sports channels - bummer ;(
So what? It gets me out of the house. Bugger it - I'm going to her local and if she's there or "friend" so what. Now that IS a 180
Hugs kisses and prayers all round.
WAKE UP SLEEPY HEADS!
I'll give you all the scores later - the Rugby and the feedback.
OH - woe is me - I've slipped to page two on the board
So the Boks DID thump the All Blacks. As if I had any doubts. Yay Boks!
I found oldest friend - Mainstay (I'll explain where he got his name sometime). Turned phone off - I actually didn't "need" to have Karen report back on the meeting. Or even worry about if it happened.
So back to me and Main. We had a great evening watching the game and then the conversation....
Asked if he thought I was an idiot. Or if W was an idiot. Answer - "negatory good buddy" (did I say this right?)
And went on to if he saw any "differences" in me or my outlook. Guess what the answer to that was. Weekend before last he just didn't know what to say to me as I wallowed in my self induced pity pit. As someone once said - "what to do, what to say".
We had a discussion about life the universe and everything. And the surprising thing was all the DB stuff came up without forcing things.
He totally agreed that the only control I had was with myself and my outlook on life. He also agreed that through this, the impact I was having on people I relate to/with was so very positive. Just like Karen - he was very reticent in seeing me just in case he saw the "old me". SURPRISE.
He confirmed everything that I taught myself through trial end error, through cruising the community here and advise from friends and relatives. My goodness - we're all right. A hard journey. But so very well worth it.
So - in a nutshell (before I fall over). Fab night. Fab company. Fab results. Fab feedback.
Another "problem" relationship sorted.
One more to go - the W.
Sorry to be so terse. Bit "plastered". Haven't done this in a while because I just didn't feel like it. Tonight was the night though. Not to forget - to relate and to remember.
"W doesn't have a CLUE what's going on. Floundering like I was weeks ago until I found you lot. W fighting with the world. Everyone against her (not just me or the sitch she found herself in). Not answering phone when she doesn't recognize the number. Public verbals with "friend". More verbals with greatest friend because she felt left out. Out of a job again. Sitting on A$$ doing nothing as events that she started play themselves out. The list goes on and is getting longer as time passes."Mac
Mac, IMO it's "normal" (whatevertheh$ll that is). I think there seems to come a time when the new, perfect life collides headlong with reality.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener - I get the idea that everyone says the same thing. Really is a scene from the Twilight Zone. Differing realities.
The weird thing is that all her friends and family (and me) are on this side of the looking glass and only the W seems to think everything is still just hunky-dory.
I'm a bit nervous about turning the phone on. I've no idea what went on with the W and her best friend. I'm dreading the unknown. Damn - I haven't done that for a while.
I think I know the reason why - I was looking at K as a last ditch attempt. Now I know that is not the case. Its just one shot out of a full magazine.
I gotta repeat something that I think I mentioned. One of the lady's who knows what's going on says my W is mad. She's a singlet and says I'm a one-in-a-million. And she's been looking for someone with my sort of dedication all her life. That compliment put a smile on my face. And boosted my self confidence 100 fold. Thanks you-know-who! Truly appreciated.
I think I'll pop round to my friends and turn the thing on there.
Ah well - the panic was for nothing. No text message waiting in the wings.
Popped into our local shopping mall. Saw one of the guys who told me W was in the shop opposite. Had a quick look but didn't see her. Bought cigs. Sat on bike. Looked into mall and saw W and "friend". I shouted but she didn't hear me. Bollox.
I felt like running after her. Not sure what stopped me.
Sent text - couldn't resist - You looked so good. Wow! I shouted but you didn't hear. Enjoy breakfast honey. Say hi to J on this wonderful day. Huge hugs and x's
And nothing back - have a feeling she's out of air time again. Also nothing vicious back from "friend".
And so - plans for tomorrow.
Call the maintenance court at 10:30 to see if the W contacted them. If not call W and say that the maintenance court lady has been trying to contact you since friday. She doesn't know what to do. She has signed papers from you and a later verbal request to wait. Her boss is all over her to find out what is going on.
If it's been cancelled then I can look forward to a meeting with the W to sort finances out. Not sure how hard a$$ed I should be about that.
If it hasn't been cancelled then W will find out the consequence of her decision will result on no cash until the court has sorted it out (17th August). Nearly four weeks of thinking about things. And four weeks to stop this thing. Dammit that's going to be harder on me knowing just how bad things can be without cash.
I've had no contact from Karen. But also none from W berating me for trying to get to her through her friends.
Also sent text to BIL - I have a feeling that it's the sons birthday (saw W with present) "Say Happy Birthday from Uncle K. I'll drop a cool present off next week when I get paid"
