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Just genuinely curious about the comment you made, that you are "working up" to discussing Retrovaille with your h...what's that about? What do you fear? Think about that question...
Your H wants to reconcile and you are at least open to it...so what's up?
It's merely a weekend of your life dedicated to studying the most important relationship you'll ever have with another human being, someone to whom you have made a vow and with whom, made a child...and no one at Retrovaille will force you to do or say or recommit or promise to anything you don't want to do, let alone right then.Retrovaille is a gift...a BLESSING...free to accept or reject.
You both have OP in your lives (to some extent) and don't fully trust the other and you are confused. This is understandable and an understatement...but you have kids to think of, AND yourselves.
I'd think you would JUMP at the chance to go to this -and it's not expensive as they work on a sliding scale (although I went to something different for individuals, not couples, & it was 20 years ago, I'm a BIG believer in workshops and their ability to change your life in amazing ways)...
Seriously. Plus you Sara here telling you to go b/c SHE had a great experience as so many others have said...and workshops like these are, imho, sometimes extra great b/c they are "efficient" in giving you "direction and instructions" and clarity really fast compared to a year (or 6) of therapy -even though therapy is great too...
I'm just saying you are in a bit of a crisis mode here, with a sucking chest wound and there's something called "Retrovaille" that everyones speaks well of that could at least stop the bleeding, (I like metaphors) so you can take a breath, and see where you want to go from here, AND HOW to do it. Even If you still end up div, I cannot imagine that it would make anything worse; at least you'd have given a shot to something important AND your r with your h will be better anyhow, even as div co-parents...make sense?
I'd say call the retro people in your area asap and get a sitter (ask retrovaille for ideas if it's hard for you to get childcare thought I have NO IDEA if they offer help on that, I just want to support your effort and block any excuses you may come up with not to call...)
So set it up and tell your h that you guys can bring your issues to the weekend, and see what happens from there. Think BIG PICTURE....If the next Retrovaille weekend doesn't come til after Christmas, at the rate you guys are going that's scary, and a lot more damage, perhaps fatal to the M, could easily occur by then...
Is there really anything more important in your life right now (or ever) than your family? Is there something more pressing on you now that requires your attention more than your M? Besides, your m's problems are bugging and preoccupying you so much anyhow, why not work on them for real? Get serious, you know? And wouldn't a Christmas together as an intact family with trust and clarity of purpose, be the best Christmas gift ever? TO everyone?
Make the call, keep reading, keep posting and keep on keeping on...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My exact words to H were, "I've heard there's this program called Retrouvaille for people like us. And I've heard great things about it. I think we should go." And since he had no other suggestions, he said, "OK, find out when it is."
It sounds like a good program and I've been watching dates for a long time. I think timing is important for where you are in your sitch! If I had approached H with this idea a few years ago when he was in the "I can't stand you or being anywhere near you" mode his only answer would have a big fat NO. Now, after his seeming returning to some normal, I am thinking about asking him. Maybe I am just thinking too much about how MY H would have reacted, but he also wins the award for most stubborn!
A guy where I work recently went and he said it was good for their M, but the follow up will be hard to do and maintaining what they learned. They have a 'good' M and just went to learn how to communicate. They were surprised at the messy state of so many M's!
BTW Sara, do you have an agreement with the mods? why don't you get edited for advertising? Also, posts around here have said that the program doesn't want people to come if they are active in an affair. Is that true?
D78, good for you for recognizing the trust issues of working where om works. Why would ow contact you?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
As an update, I asked H for all of us to take the kids to the movies today. He was a little thrown back & at 1st said no. Later he came around b/c he's having a hard time dealing with all of them by himself (he said) & wanted them to have a good time.
I'm trying to strictly think of the kids instead of myself b/c we've put them through so much. To the point were my youngest daughter reinacts our fights w/ her dolls & his S from a previous marriage doesn't want to come to his house b/c he's afraid.
We REALLY have to get along somehow! This has gotten too deep.
So we seen the movie & had a good time. He really didn't speak to me other than telling me that he thinks that I only even consider reconciling b/c of my values...... I approached the subject a couple of times & he now says that he doesn't want us to be together but he's not ready to let me go either.....
Anyway, after the movie he took the kids back to his place & said he'd be here later to bring them home.
He hasn't worn his wedding ring in months & I just stopped wearing mine after the hellacious 4th of July weekend.... Now he has his on & questions me about mine.
It's as if he doesn't want me but is scared of regret. He said that he likes his new life in his apt b/c he has no worries. No kids to deal with, no yard to care for, etc. These things cut like a knife. I just replied with "I could dream but not imagine" jokingly.....
Distracted 1978 Me - 30 H - 28 D - 13, 8, 7 S - 21 months SS - 6
My Bomb to him 10/26/2008 Separated (physically) 03/15/2009 Filed for legal separation 10/01/2009
I just called locally here in southern Calif. It's only $125 for 2 nights stay, food is included, and yes, the rooms are private for each couple AND if you cannot affort the $125 (which is next to nothing here) they will help out if they can as they "do not turn people away for reasons of finances" so I'm amazed at how much they are charging there, but at least you can negotiate. Are you sure it's Retrovaille and that it costs that much? But maybe it is different there, so look at it this way, next to surgery for a bad heart, this is probably money well spent to prevent a broken heart.
Just saying you may need to double check that info since I asked a lot of questions and also, there was no requirement that the other spouse call, but they (the other spouse) will be called before the weekend, and asked questions to confirm their willingness to go, and it's less than 3 min long, and the REtro people don't ask for ANY promises other than showing up and listening. "Some people arrive with div papers in the trunk of their car, but end up turning things around" (that's the lady's quote I talked to).
Sooo, with as much good stuff as we are hearing, sounds like something soooo worth giving a shot. Pick up the phone honey! Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey 25 fyi, the guy I work with that went to Retro 2 weeks ago said it cost him over $800 for the weekend.
D78, from your post you pursued, you used the kids, you initiated R talks, you game play with the rings, and you got hurt again.
Form your plan, get your mind in the right place. Do you want it to work? are you ready to do the hard work?
Work on creating good memories with your H, with the family unit. Of course his life is rosy with no responsibilities while you're doing it all. Hard not to feel bad or be bitter but don't let it suck you down. Keep smiling and be happy when he's around.
BTW, how do you know he's not reading this?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WTH? I mean,WOW, I literally called retro phone number HERE, (in expensive California)...and the woman who answered said she conducts it with her h and they'll ask for "donations" AFTER the weekend, but they "Will turn no one down for financial reasons" (I AM quoting)...BUT they do ask up front for the $125...(So I guess the donation is in addition to the $125 but even that, she said they'd "turn no one down for financial reasons"....so that's quite a variety of answers...maybe a lot depends on facilities available and if there's someone donating the spot?? )
But I find $125 incredibly reasonable if not crazy cheap! (Of course, I'd say that about $800 too, if that's what it costs to save the M. Next to an organ transplant, what's more important? Maybe it's due to what the local facilities available are?
Distracted, you are getting good advice here, so calm down to take it all in. Just focus on now, today. Think before you speak or act and don't do anything regrettable or unloving or speak of ending your m without a lot of sleep and thought FIRST...
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
