There will come a BANG moment in your life where you stop focusing on yourself and start to really relate to others.
I feel so strongly that you're getting there. It's a WONDERFUL place to be.
Trust, be open, give without expecting anything back and magic things happen.
Give and you will receive - watch this space - it's full of people from this board who really want to help - you will be one of them - and it's all worth it!
Just read your thread Veronica. Stay strong. You are doing well. Full of strenght. I believe everyone on this BB is like a Phenix. We all will rise again from our own ashes, refined by the fire which consumes us daily. We will be stronger. And so will you Veronica.
Hang in there.
JR
Me:44 WAW:43 Children S13,S11,S7 Married 17 yrs W left JUN 08 W filed JAN 09 D proceedings dismissed AUG 09 W refiles 1 MAR 11
I guess journaling and sharing since this is, after all, a public space.
I had a great session with my IC this morning. We covered a lot, but there is one bit in particular that I want to share here.
I have had some sadness lately and it really sort of snuck up on me. I say snuck up because I have been very happy these last couple of months. I have been very happy in my relationship with myself - if that makes sense (I mean in re-discovering who I am, what I want, those sorts of things). I feel happiness from a relationship with a very kind man. I feel happiness in developing my sense of independence and self-reliance. I feel happiness from learning to solve my own problems...finding healthy solutions to long-standing issues.
So, this lurking sense of sadness has been bothering me. Not that I did not know its source, I do...that's obvious...my separation agreement is about to be done, the motion for divorce is about to be filed and a thirteen year relationship is about to finally end. Clearly, I am grieving.
The reason I am sharing all of this is to remind myself that feelings are meant to be felt and that they can ebb and flow. Still learning what is so simple for some people...one feels what one feels at the moment one feels it. I thought I was done grieving. I thought the moment I decided I did not want to reconcile that I had made my peace with that and was done. What I had finished, was the intellectual part. I am learning that the feeling part might take a bit longer. Not to say I feel any differently than I think...I do not feel that I want SBXH back. Rather, I am saying that the end of this relationship is a death, of sorts, and I feel sadness surrounding that. I am trying not to analyze why...that is how I get myself into trouble. So, I am just allowing myself to feel the sadness as it ebbs and flows, recognize it for what it is and let it pass.
How are you? It seems like you were approaching this next step with a very different understanding of yourself and the role you play in your own life.
I know what you mean about that sadness - the one that ebbs and flows - and I think it has to do that - at least until we finally figure out how to step out of its currents...
It's good to see you journaling here - as I think your words are always so helpful to others.
I am doing quite well, thank you. I did approach this next step with a very different understanding of myself...and my role in my own life. I have a much deeper sense of self these days - I am becoming my own anchor. In my mind, that is a good thing. Often, in the past, I have said that I felt untethered...as if I would simply drift off into space because there was no one here to hold me.
I feel very differently about this today. I am my own center now. Not in a selfish way, in a healthy way - I have all that I need for happiness, security and well-being. I am what keeps me centered. I will not let me drift off and float away. It is a wonderfully empowering feeling. Also, I am learning that being a bit untethered is not a bad thing...gives us room to float around in our lives freely.
As for figuring out how to step out of the current of sadness...I think time helps us do just that. Actually, I do not think of it as stepping out of a current. I think of it more as standing in a pool of all of our emotions and the current is comprised of specific ones at certain times in our lives. I think when the time is right, the current shifts and calms itself down.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I agree with you about the head rushing in to protect the heart and short circuiting the whole thing. I have done that for a long, long time. It is remarkable how much healing can occur if we only let ourselves feel.
Something I would like to share as I continue in my process of self-discovery...
The following is part of what I have learned on my journey throught the end of my marriage. It is something I wish I would have had the willingness/ability/strength to have heard when I fist got here almost one year ago. As with everything else of consequence, we come to it only when we are ready.
When a partner/spouse leaves, the following, I think, is part of the painful reality of the situation: you have a long road ahead of you and a tough row to hoe...step one is finding yourself, YOURSELF, alone, apart and individuated from your spouse...and that will take time and very painful work. In that process, as you re-discover yourself, it will become clear whether you want to save your marriage and if so, whether your partner wants to save it. Only then can the next step take place...the step where we work towards reconciliation, if that is to be.
I say this because I came here thinking I could get right to the task of bringing my SBXH home. I was unwilling to confront the fact that I had utterly lost myself in this marriage - I had become everything I thought he needed in a wife without really noticing that the woman I was had been slowly slipping through my fingers and I was letting her pass through as if she were just so much smoke meant to evaporate so that he/we could remain.
I guess I got a bit lucky, though that may sound odd to some, because my SBXH essentially ignored me for months and I had no choice but to work on myself. The more I worked on myself then, and even today as I continue the process, the more I realized who I really am and what I want for myself as well as from myself, the clearer it became that I was not in a healthy relationship. More importantly, I learned that I had a lot of responsibility for being right where I was. Once that became clear to me, I started the process of learning what I needed to address in myself to get to a point to be able to have a healthy relationship (still working on that). That, in turn, helped me to look at SBXH through a more objective lens (as opposed to the lens I was using when I arrived here in a panic thinking I could not survive without him).
In my case, this journey has revealed that SBXH and I should not be together, but my point is that it is only after one works on oneself, alone, that she can even begin to determine whether the marriage should be saved and then how to best go about that work, if that is to be.
