7 yrs and counting, any hope

[shewholurks]

There is no number, statistical or otherwise, with any real data to back it up as far as any absent spouse returning. It really doesn't matter. Choosing to stand or wait it out is a very personal decision and should be based on your commitment rather than a number that has been tossed into the ring.

[K4D]

Go to rejoice ministries website. They come back if you stand and have continual faith through everything and pray for their return. Time means nothing to God.

Kevin

[braveheart]

actually I thought 70% of MLCers come back at one point or another. Usually it is whether or not the LBS is still around. I wouldn't be on this board if the stats were as bleak as braveheart suggests....

The numbers are what I said. Its the way it is, but if you feel that strongly about your M, you should stand and see.

[mdoodles]

my h came back. 2 separate times. from what i have seen, they do come back. they may leave again, but my experience shows they bounce around, back and forth and back again...

[braveheart]

There is no number, statistical or otherwise, with any real data to back it up as far as any absent spouse returning. It really doesn't matter. Choosing to stand or wait it out is a very personal decision and should be based on your commitment rather than a number that has been tossed into the ring.

You are right, there isn't any real study or data. I'm just going by what I have seen on here, and you have been here longer than I, a lot longer! Unless I have overlooked something though, it can't be any higher than what I said.

[glamgirl]

They are only numbers. Anything is possible with God. I am sure it can be daunting to look at a number, but you need to do what is in your heart.

[Stillnlove]

My question is, has anyone here ever seen/heard of a single H come back after 7 yrs?

Might be a few, and a VERY FEW that came back after 2, 3, or 4 years, but I haven't seen anyone after 7. I am sure there is a case or 2 out there where it has happened. I am quite sure there have been people who divorced and re-married several years later. Truth is, most who leave, don't come back. The chances of reunion are very slim, less than 10%. Its probably less than 5% but I will be a little positive.

actually I thought 70% of MLCers come back at one point or another. Usually it is whether or not the LBS is still around. I wouldn't be on this board if the stats were as bleak as braveheart suggests....

Braveheart, I know that you are trying to be realistic rather than pessimistic. People should know the truth and you are often misunderstood on this board as someone who is either rude, negative or both—and in truth you are neither; you care and are trying to help.

But statistics are dangerous—reporting that 70 or 80% return, or that 90 or 95% do not return. It's not even about accuracy. Though I don't belief in false Hope unless you are telling your child your dead puppy has gone to the vet and might make it, I do feel that the high return statistic is a dangerous misuse of Hope.

The danger of the negative return statistics is easily understood by Hopeful in VA's comment that she wouldn't be on the board if reconciliation is a long shot.

Your marriages will not end or rebuild based on statistics. If you get to rebuild them it will be based on the work you do, your forgiveness, loving your spouse home… If they end in divorce—or permanent separation—it will not be due to a failure on your part. Standers and DBers can be perfect in forgiving and loving, the MLCer gets to choose too and he or she may still choose to stay away. You may also someday choose to not rebuild your marriage, deciding you no longer want marriage to that person.

But what do the statistics tell you about reasons? If it is true that only 10% return, why is that? How many of the 90% of couples who do not reconcile are due to the LBS choosing to not reconcile? How many are due to the MLCer's fear that the LBS will say no? How many are people who did not even try to DB or Stand?

What the statistics do not show you is what worked and what did not work towards reconciliation. Maybe 70% reconcile who are on Charlene Cares, or join Jim Conway's chats, DB, read or maybe reconciliation odds are increased if you break dance at midnight under a full moon—who knows. But maybe there are certain behaviours that increase the odds of reconciliation. DB'ing likely includes those behaviours.

But even so it is not something from which we can fairly collect reliable statistics. (A poll here collects only data from people who choose to come here and who choose to participate in the poll.) Who is more likely to stay and post, those who are reconciling or those who are separated? This is a community made up of people experiencing marital separation. Sure, there is a Piecing thread that many head over to when there is a premature return that fails, but look at the activity over at Piecing versus activity here on MLC. People who are Piecing are doing it with their spouses and not everyone here on this board. Some continue to post and some occasionally pop back in merely to give an update, but who knows if there are also many who do not. There may be a lot more lurkers than posters too. Not everyone who reads the board joins the community—regardless of whether they register or not.

For reliable statistics they need many variables so that you can distill the situation down. Look at the statistics for high school drop out rates. (I don't know them, so these numbers are made up for example). Suppose 13% of students drop out. What do you do if that is the only figure you have? You assume that your child has a greater than 1/10 chance of dropping out. But then suppose that 19% of children from single parent families drop out. Suddenly you may breathe a sigh of relief if you are not a single parent and increase your concern if you are. But then suppose that it further divides single parent families into those where a parent died versus divorced or never married parents.

As a kid the television set used to inform me that four out of five dentists recommend Trident. But how did they choose which dentists to survey? How did they phrase the survey question? Would you recommend Trident or Hubba Bubba for cavity protection? What was that fifth dentist thinking?

As for how many return after 7 years? Well how many people hang out on the boards for that long? I know there are some, but most leave much sooner. Yes, some return, but do they tell us? It may have been five years since their last post. Maybe thy joined a new community for divorce and are telling those people. Most people will not Stand for that length of time and so the opportunity for reconciliation may not be there if the MLCer wants it. Heck most people may not Stand for the average length of time it takes. The statistics are not telling you whether the low return rate is due to MLCer not wanting to return or LBS not wanting him to return. As LBSs, you control the latter.

Yellowrose: Her MLCer returned relatively quickly on an MLC scale. Within 18-24 months I believe.

Brandnewday: Her MLCer returned after about 4 years, but I don't think he was out of the house for that entire time—maybe 2 years.

Butterflymom: Was it even MLC? Her Favoriteweirdo had an affair and exhibited standard MLC behaviour, but was young and returned within a year I believe.
BFM: I'm not trying to say it was or was not MLC, but emotionally-bonded or soul-mate affairs can cause a person to behave in similar ways to MLCers. I expect such spouses to seem like MLCers.

The odds of reconciliation increase if you, the LBS, focus on your Self, forgives, sets boundaries and loves your spouse without condition. They increase as you detach from the emotional cycling while maintaining your love. But I don't have a statistic to offer you as proof. The other great thing about DB'ing is that it is what you need to do for your Self. It helps you heal and learn better problem-solving skills than running away and avoiding. You will be better prepared for future relationships and your MLCer is risking more failure.

[shewholurks]

Braveheart,
Did you just call me old?

My point is that if anyone is making a decision to remain committed to their marriage it shouldn't matter whether the sky is blue or the numbers add up {did you know that 58% of all statistics are made up on the spot? } or the stars align. The best chance anyone and everyone has at a reconciliation is to move forward with life while doing nothing that would make it impossible for the absent spouse to return.

~ swl

[forward]

It's largely irrelevant in terms of what others do.

It sounds as if you need to make some decisions for yourself. You could suggest a cup of coffee and see what he has to say--listening carefully for signs of growing up.

You might want to consider moving things forward yourself.

[onceuponatime]

Thanks all for the discussion. Years ago, the # had been 85% want to come back, the detractors were LBS had moved on, or didn't want them, or MLCer was afraid to ask, for fear of being rejected by LBS. Those were good odds, as long as we DB'd and didn't screw up too badly, so that MLCer did not want us. I've tried to follow the rules, GAL, DB, etc. The only movement, is farther away. I know it shouldn't matter if the sky is blue, or the # are there, but, I do not play lotto, because the odds are so poor. It seems like these odds are even worse. When do we LBSs simpy become dreamers, out of touch with reality? If we truly love our spouse, will we be forced to live our life alone, without love and companionship of a man, or, consider ourselves failures? Is this board just to help us out until we can accept failure or justify leaving? No one comes here for that. We come here in hopes that we will find a way that we can be with our spouses again.

There are days I almost wish I was one of the LBS that got so angry, and gave up, and could maintain anger. But, I was not angry with H. I am still not angry.(I do truly feel OW is the scum of this earth). I am still so much at a loss as to how he changed so much right under my nose, and went from loving to me, what appears to be a combination of apathy, hate or if he simply wishes I never existed, and is embarrassed that he ever loved me. I'm really not sure which it is. MLC seemed to explain it. But, some days, I wonder if MLC is just a figment of our imagination. If so, it has kept me hanging on with hope for 7 years. (well... MLC and the hope that if I prayed, the prayers would be answered).

Hopeful and Forward, I am always on the look out for anything nice I can do for H, that doesn't make him feel pressured. I do find something now and then. On those few occasions, he seems to appreciate them. I have asked him if we could just chat sometime, like firends. He never accepts.

Thanks again all for your support.
Once