A line of a movie struck me last night...something about how everything is now different and there is no going back, so better get to know the stranger who she now found herself to be.
I kind of feel like that.
Everything, or nearly so, that I thought I knew, was wrong. So much around me, and within me, has changed over the last 2 years, and I'll never be the same. Part of it is an innocence, part of it is a blind denial in order to be happy. Not sure what the worth was in that, anymore. But man, did I try to hold on to it, with every bit of strength and will and prayer and pleading and personal contortion that I could muster.
And now, I'm just left with me.
I remember being so alone as a kid...waiting and hoping that some day I wouldn't be, then finally accepting / that it was the only way I would end up. No one was more surprised than me, when I wasn't alone, anymore.
But in reality, I don't think I ever stopped being alone; I just found a way, my own way, to pretend. And so did he. It feels like so much of it was all smoke and mirrors now to look at it.
I think that maybe I am just lonely.
My kids aren't home. And it's not the same connection with them, anyway - it can't be. But I can hear the life I used to have, over the phone, when I call to talk to them. The simple home sounds of getting ready for dinner. And I miss that life.
But is it just the comfort, the familiar?
I don't know. I don't know much of anything now a days. Back to the untethered balloon feeling. So, I guess I'll just keep going with the motions; there is always more that needs to be done, that I want to get done, that can fit into one day, anyway. Well, the sensation and situation hasn't changed, even though the depression has lifted. I must be getting used to it. Life as it is, rather than as I would have it be.
