Hi everyone. What a way to introduce myself, eh? I'm brand new here. I found out about all this from reading a magazine article in "Marriage Partnership" by Michele. I have perused your forums here a little bit, and thought maybe I could see what you guys think of my situation.
I'm 32 and he's 41. He has a very high sex drive, while mine is very, very low. We have a 2-1/2 year old and an 11 month old. Hubby is always pursuing me and I'm always giving excuses.
Don't get me wrong...I enjoy things once they are started. However, I have no desires and I don't initiate...ever. I want to want sex more so my husband isn't so deprived. I think it's wounding his self-esteem. I hate that I'm like this.
Sounds pretty typical, my wife went through this too.
Quote: I want to want sex more so my husband isn't so deprived
Taking care of small children can use up all your energy and consume your mind to the point that you just don't think about anything else. You have to make time for both of you.
What things turn you on? Him rubbing your shoulders, kissing your neck, etc... watching porn, fantasize, use your imagination, whatever. Try to figure out what they are and and use them to get you going.
Crazy Jim always gives good advice! It's great you are trying to do something about this. Forget about initiating just try to say yes more often. The most upsetting thing is the feeling of rejection if you keep getting turned down all the time. As a HD person I am not so much bothered if my H initiates anything I would just like him to give me a positive response if I do. But if you want to be nice sort out a babysitter and arrange a nice romantic evening together I'm sure he will do the rest then all you have to do is not say no. What could be easier?
In the SSM it says to think about a time when you did feel like having sex and find out what was different then. Then try to recreate those things. Don't be afraid to ask your H for what you need to feel in the mood. I'm sure he would be only too willing to help when you explain it. Just remember to be nice and tell him that of course you do think he is amazingly attractive and good looking and the lack of desire is probably caused by hormones/being tired whatever but certainly nothing wrong with him.
Hope it works out for you. Let us know, we HD people love to hear about LD peeps who actually try to do something about it (except we get a little jealous).
Quote: we HD people love to hear about LD peeps who actually try to do something about it
And this HD likes to hear what works, maybe it's something I hadn't thought of . . . like when Jiji wrote:
Quote: think about a time when you did feel like having sex and find out what was different then
I hadn't thought of asking H (the LD in our marriage) about this. My fear is that he may have to think back too far to remember.
Keep reading the boards, there's a goldmine of information and support to be found here. And keep posting. It's amazing what sharing like this can do for keeping a Positive Mental Attitude.
I'm going to throw in with the others here and say that you recognizing the problem is half the battle.
Little ones are a joy unto themselves, but Jim is right in saying that they 'zap' all your energy. By the time the end of the day rolls around, you are so tired and so 'touched out' that the last thing you want to do is touch some more.
Mothers of young ones often feel more 'motherly' than they do 'sexy' as well. Though normal, it doesn't necessarily help in the romance department.
It is good that you enjoy sex once 'things get going.' There is a very good chance that you are one of those LD people who just doesn't experience desire until after things start happening. I am like this, and once I found out that this is a completely NORMAL way to feel desire, I didn't shun my H's advances the way I used to do. (I'm the LD, he is the HD). Just knowing that I would be okay once things got going was all the encouragement I needed to 'just do it' for two weeks.
You may want to try this out with your H. No matter how tired, how cranky, how whatever you are... just do it with him. And make sure you tell him that this is your plan. Tell him it may not happen every night, but that you are going to try for all you are worth to pack in as much sex as you can over the next two weeks. Him just knowing that you will be making a concentrated effort might make him much more understanding and patient (I know my H was!!). One stipulation I put to my H when I first tried the 'just do it' approach for two weeks was that we had to be finished by 11 p.m. so I could get some sleep. He had no problem with that.
Now, yes, sometimes the kids would wake up, or something would happen to derail us, so I'd arrange for a lunch time rendez-vous for a quick BJ for him... and that counted!!! He thought it was awesome, and I knew I was going to get to go to sleep that night without an enormous argument.
I can't say now that I feel any more desire than I did at our worst times, but I can tell you that the changes that this approach brought about in my H makes me much more open to anything he wants to initiate... and again, once things get going, I very much enjoy myself.
It is SOOO hard with babies... just do the best you can. I know you are probably as tired as you have ever been in your life, but all you can do is try, and I'm sure you H is going to appreciate the efforts you make!
Thank you for your welcome, everyone! And thank you for your insight. I need to really get going on this. Is the book worth reading? I've read reviews on Amazon.com and while most of them say it's excellent, I saw one that says it's more geared toward those having major problems in their relationships (while we don't have sex a lot, we have a pretty good relationship otherwise). I don't have a lot of extra money, so I'm not wanting to spend the money if it's not really worth it.
I would encourage you to buy the book. It is worth the money. It also helped our relationship which was "great except for the sex"
As it turns out, sexual disfunction in a relationship can put it on the rocks very quickly and you may not be aware of the depth or the longevity of your partner's pain.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
What a way to introduce myself, eh? I'm brand new here. I found out about all this from reading a magazine article in "Marriage Partnership" by Michele. I have perused your forums here a little bit, and thought maybe I could see what you guys think of my situation.
I hate that I'm like this. 
