Knee jerk reaction was to stay home, not work out, and keep the kids so she could take it easy. Wait a second, that is what you want to throw away! Nope, going to the gym. And while I will listen if she wants to talk about it, SHE NEEDS to stress over the job situation. If she wants to be on her own, then she's got to deal with this...ALONE. Which means she NEEDS to spend time with the kids, with a headache and with her OWN demons @ the job without ME.
Gima, catching up on the last few posts, I was so glad to see this one. Now, you're back on track. Glad to see it.
And, BTW when I read the most recent situation of being there for her re: listening about the job and then no updates, etc. it sounded to me that you had expectations, knowwhadImean?
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
And, BTW when I read the most recent situation of being there for her re: listening about the job and then no updates, etc. it sounded to me that you had expectations, knowwhadImean?
Yes, I know there were expectations. It hurt that she would not turn to me at some point. But that is ALL built on expectations.
Better this AM. She has been in hte bed with headache and nausea from 12:30 - 7:00. I smoked some ribs on my Big Green Egg (S9's request - I really did eat healthy today otherwise) and she had some of those when she got up.
Had a great day with the kids - played in the park then ice cream (OK, maybe not healthy eating ALL day).
I am in a "Do I love her anymore" mood tonight. I know I do, I just don't "feel" it right now - and THAT is why we don't trust our feelings. When she got up, she was talkative and asked what we had done today. Now, she's on the phone with someone about her job woes. Evidently she's feeling better.
I can empathize with the "Do I love him/her?" part. And I can tell you that's it a kick in the pants bar none to be 2-3 months past filing and suddenly realize that yes, you do.
Hey, God - can I get a do-over on that one, please?
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Thanks for the input. Not anywhere near giving up. I just know what I feel. Could be defense to not getting hurt. Who knows. Just know what it is. And I think it's normal.
I am in a "Do I love her anymore" mood tonight. I know I do, I just don't "feel" it right now - and THAT is why we don't trust our feelings.
Yeah. I remind myself more and more that loving my wife is a decision. I still choose to love her. Even when I don't feel it. Haven't felt it in a loong time, actually.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
GIMA, The reason your feelings of "love" are being questioned is because she is hurting you and your love buckets are empty. She is already been here and passed thru this phase. So you are getting to the point of being detached as she is, now you need to pass her. You can't lead while you are playing catch up. Recognise it for what it is,feel it, process it and then learn from it. Now you can better understand her and be a better husband. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
So, that begs the question. If she's ahead of me and I pass her. Am I going to be the one who needs "saving"? And what will make something click with her to draw her back to me?
I know those are fortune telling type questions. Care to take a stab at them?
GIMA - re: passing her and needing saving. Well, the reason I was able to forgive H for his affair is because I know first-hand the misery and worthlessness that leads one into an affair. And I hate, hate, hate that some of MY actions contributed to him getting to that affair-ready place, but I have to accept that they did. Does that absolve him of his accountability? Nope. But I understand all too painfully how he got there. Empathy. I hate to say it, but being miserable may give you more empathy for how she feels/has felt.
When I was feeling hurt, angry and blaming him, it got in the way of me being able to see what *I* was doing to bring things down, and what needed to change in *me* for it to work. So as much as the whole ordeal truly sucks, there's a large silver lining in the form of empathy, understanding and openness to personal change.
Last edited by Dia; 07/26/0901:08 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
What will make something click with her? That's your job to figure out and lay the groundwork. Only she can "click." But once she clicks............
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
