WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[PMA_Baby!]

You're welcome.

That's great advice Stuck.

C - Right. Always keep it about the boys.

She knows when her actions upset you. She knows you inside and out. That is why when you act detached she comes closer. She doesnt recognize your actions and is curious about whats going on. Watch the gorillas at the zoo sometime and you will see what I mean. lol. That is usually when she "tests you" to make sure she still has the control. By detaching you dont care either way and it takes away that power she has over your emotions. Until you dont have to "act" like you dont care she will keep on playing off of that.

By creating the physical distance you will make it a lot easier to detach.

Good luck with the new job.

PMA

[confusedinpa]

I tried to call her last nite to talk about the boys and calling but she didn't answer. I wound up sending her a text. She answered right away asking what I wanted. I told her to chat for a few minutes. She said it was late and we could talk tomorrow.

She wound up calling the boys tonite. My 7 year old asked why she didn't return his call the last 2 nites. First she said she didn't get any messages but then said she didn't get home until after 9 on Thurs so she thought thy were asleep. He old her that he wasn't and she should have called. She said she would but then went on about how the parent with the boys should be the one who calls. I didn't say a word at her craziness as we tried to call and she didn't answer.

My 3 year old didn't want to talk to her.

So when my 7 year old gave me the phone, I just said we would talk later.

I am annoyed. What should I do about the calls? When the boys call and she doesn't answer, my boys are hurt/upset. I told her this in the past and told her she should call but she doesn't agree. She thinks who ever has the boys should call

Any thoughts?

[Coach]

Text her that "the boys want to talk are you available?" then have them call after she responds.

[confusedinpa]

We talked tonite. It was a very long call - 3+ hours.

It started off a little rough as she jumped into her hurt and how she doesn't the "person" I am and how I threw all her love away and there's nothing left and how she doesn't want to try and that she wants the divorce so she can move forward to the next phase of her life and so on.

I kept telling her how we don't get anywhere when we keep talking about the same old stuff. So unless she wants to talk about something different about our relationship, I didn't want to waste my time. She kept trying to be angry and bait me into an argument but I didn't bite.

She tried going the route of how I was being difficult and wasn't trying to work with her. That's when I reminded her that a divorce is not an easy/simple thing, it is very confrontational and adversarial and that is a big reason why we will not be friends if we wind up divorced.

I think that caught her off guard as she shifted into talking about her last few days and how hard it was at work. That's when it got a little odd as we started talking about how last Sunday we "made out" with her shirt and bra off. I told her how it had been a while since she had shared them. Then she sent me some provocative pictures (tongue with whip cream, breast, her tongue on her nipple, etc.). I sent her one of me (no description necessary I'm sure).

This went back and forth for over an hour.

Finally, around 1AM we decided it was late so we had to get to bed.....

As Stuck said, very weird.....

[MrBond]

what the?

I can't believe you actually talked to her for that long, especially when she brought up the "hurt" again.

Okay, 2x4 time.

The only reason why she talked to you for that long is because you are starting your new job and aren't going to be around much to be her scapegoat. When she started talking about the hurt, you should have ended it right there. Plus, her "stress" didn't address why she didn't call the kids back. That's got nothing to do with you. It's called responsible parenting which she is not doing.

Don't be surprised that when you're gone and try to call the kids, she doesn't answer the phone.

You have to get in her face and call her out on that stuff much more aggressively. Her sending the pictures are just more bait that she sends your way to satisfy her need of knowing that you are still under her spell.

She hasn't gotten any help for herself and it seriously shows.

Her "hurt"? What about the hurt that you and the kids have been putting up with for the past year. What about her dragging the kids' emotions through the mud with her sick twisted games? That's what you should have addressed to her.

Oh she'll go and complain about how YOU are being so mean, etc. But that ship has long since sailed. It's about your kids.

Detach detach detach

[mac-ct]

just more bait that she sends your way to satisfy her need of knowing that you are still under her spell.

I agree but this is damn hard being in the mindset of "this is going great". THAT'S all that goes through our heads when things are "going well".

I agree because my W is sort of nice when she gets something out of me and than switch's to full blown b*^$# mode for the rest of the time.

Ahhhhh - life on the roller coaster.

Mac

[confusedinpa]

Just some more journaling of an odd day

I text her to let her know the boys were up like I usually do on Sun morning. She replied back about how tired she was as it was only 7:30 (we were talking till almost 1:30am last nite) and would be right over. She showed up around 8:30 and we chatted for a while and played with the boys before heading out for breakfast. She was acting all playful like last Sun.

During breakfast we joked and laughed and enjoyed our time together. From the outside observer, we were the perfect family. The boys were really doing a great job entertaining us and the tables around us with their playful antics. My wife was cold again so she snuggled against me again as she asked me to check if her butt was cold again.

After breakfast we went shopping for clothes (school clothes foe the boys and she needed fancier dress clothes for work). I saw some sexy low cut tops I suggested she try on. I also found a very small bikini top as well. She went into the dressing room to try on her clothes. When she found something she liked she came out to get my opinion. When she tried the items I picked out she came out to model them for me. She sent me a picture if her wearing the really small bikini top as it barely covered her nipples so she was embarrassed to come out.

We went home for lunch and put the boys to nap. We then went into the bedroom and she took off her shirt and bra and kissed. She took off her shorts but kept on her panties. When I tried to make it more, she stopped me

That's when it got weird

She said she didn't want to as she said she didn't feel that way about me. She said she was just trying to be nice like last weekend but was still frustrated about how I do things that make her frustrated

I told her I thought we had a good time last Sun. We talked about it for a bit and she seemed to really think about what we were talking about. She then said she thought our time together today was really nice. We continued to kiss with her in her panties but then the boys woke up.

We got dressed (I had taken off my shirt) and went to play with the boys until dinner time. She continued to be playful.

When it was time for me to pack to head out, she helped me fold my dress clothes and pants before she and the boys left

My 7 year old really had a hard time as she kept crying "daddy, daddy" as I told him I will see him on Thurs and can't wait to hear how his game on Tues goes. I also told him to call me anytime. My 3 year old was sad too but I don't think he really understood why I was going on my "trip"

My wife rolled down her window (a change from what she normally did) and gave me a kiss goodbye

She then sent me a text asking me to let her know when I got there, which I did

So I start my new job in about 4 hours

Life continues to move forward. Who knows what tomorrow brings......

[MrBond]

I hope everything went well at work. I know you're missing your boys, so just stay strong.

"She said she didn't want to as she said she didn't feel that way about me. She said she was just trying to be nice like last weekend but was still frustrated about how I do things that make her frustrated"

Drop the rope buddy. She roped you in again and you fell for it hook line and sinker.

Those aren't positive moves on her part, they are manipulative and I wish you'd see that.

[Stronger]

Glad I found you....

Alright. Let me give you my opinion....I think she wants to work this out and I think there's a lot of pressure off of her since you are going to be miles away. She gets a break and so do you.

But I also think she doesn't want to give up her control over this situation. It's a beautiful thing to have it and I think she may be power hungry now....so she gets you into bed to have an 8th grade hook up. And that's just funny by the way! YOu had an 8th grade hook up with your wife! Nice! Now this is where she is using her womanly ways (and I know this because I used to do this crap to my college boyfriends when they weren't acting right in my opinion....Yes, I was an absolute a$$) That was to get you all hot and bothered and THEN tell you what's annoying her so you'll fix it. Sort of funny and childish, but if I recall correctly, sort of effective too!

She wants you. Keep doing what you are doing.

Did she give you any examples of what you do that frustrates her? And if she did, do you agree? Is it something you could change without compromising yourself?

[confusedinpa]

We chatted about what frustrated her for about 15 minutes when we took a break during the "8th Grade Hook Up".

She talked about how I made her feel like hired help in the past (i.e. cook, cleaning lady, laundry, etc) and that I didn't make her feel special nor did I make her feel like I wanted to help her. She said even now when she comments about something around the house, I get all angry and defensive and make her feel bad.

She said the prior weekend she was frustrated that she had to come over to help with the weeding. She didn't understand how after 9 years I still couldn't figure out what was a weed and what wasn't. I told her coming from Brooklyn, if it didn't have a dandelin, and it was green, to me, it looked like any other plant we had. I told her that the boys and I had spent many hours pulling what we thought were weeds and I wasn't mad, but more frustrated that we still didn't get them all. We did try but I'm not a gardener so the boys and I made our best efforts. It's like how there are some things that she may not excel in (i.e. plumbing and electrical work or automotive) that I would take the initiative in.

She seemed to digest that as she had gotten a little quiet after that.

So, what she said that she was frustrated about are very odd things. I can't really fix them, other than make sure she doesn't think that I'm mad and take the time to listen to what she says.

The boys did call me tonite to say goodnite and at the end of the call she said goodnite as well.

So I've officially started my new job 180 miles from home.....