"You don't want to hurt me, yet you keep telling me you don't love me. I don't want to break up the family either, but I want my wife to love me."
Orich,
I am happy that your W did this 180 on her letter...however, your comment above (if this is what you really said) overflows with neediness. It is all about YOU and what YOU need. Notice you said "ME" 4 times! The watchout is that, for whatever reason, your W's love reservoir is empty....and you are asking her to give you something she cannot right now. Just like a bank account, it is going to take awhile before she feels able to love you back. The likely response you will get if you keep this up....is a major pullback. You MUST be strong...and detach. You cannot be up when she is up and down when she is down! You must do your best to be UP all the time! I realize that that sounds impossible. The 2 things that helped me....lean on God....and focus on YOU! Unfortunately this journey will not be near as short as you would like! I am not trying to depress you...but, to help you understand how important it is that you be strong....and not needy....pursuing...clingy. You MUST let her have the time and space to get her head on straight.
Praising God Daily, Remaining "FaithfulH" Me: 62 W: 62 D:33 S:30 & 31 Married: 40 Years BD: Sep 2006 Piecing: May 2007 2nd BD: May 2014 Working On It: Today
It takes a lot of balls to reverse herself like she just did.
Don't give up.
OH yes, book it Dano. And be calm, don't be over-excited, don't come on too strong. Concentrate on being her friend first.
I am so excited for you I have goosebumps!
But, that also means you have to double your efforts to DB.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Dr. James Dobson wrote a great book that I read years ago. It was on this subject of "feelings" and love, etc. I believe the title was "Emotions, Can You Trust Them".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"You don't want to hurt me, yet you keep telling me you don't love me. I don't want to break up the family either, but I want my wife to love me."
I disagree with Faithful on the quote above. I don't hear neediness in it. I hear strength. I hear someone saying what he needs out of the marriage. It implies that he has the right to choose to end the marriage if he doesn't get his needs met too. It's not all about her. I think it was the perfect thing to say.
I wasn't trying to be needy, just make a point. There have been a lot of ups and downs, and most of the ups were artificial. This one sounds sincere. I will not abandon my M. This looked like a chance to help her look at what she is doing. I havnt brought it up again or anything, I am still "smiling and waving".
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich, be steady my friend b/c her mood swings are probably not leveled out yet. I think she knows what the "right thing" is.....and she wants to do that at this time, but then she has to face that decision again & again. As you have already experienced....that takes a big toll on the MR in every way. So, hope you will continue to get strength to stand tall. This is a very encouraging sign and you needed it!
I don’t want to sound negative here, but just want to warn you about acting overly excited to her. (And I’m don’t mean she will change her mind about her conversation with you, but I’m referring to her mood changing.) That is b/c we women know it doesn’t take much for the H to think “all is well” and he’s ready to ML. You realize it isn't all well yet, but men think differently from women. Please wait for her to initiate any moves toward ML. She may or may not…I don’t know. If she is not ready for that yet, then she may act cold toward you in order to discourage you from thinking that she wants to ML. It is complicated. A lot of women need for the MR to feel happy/good in order to ML. Some need to ML for assurance of their H’s love, etc. (Depends on the individual.) But, I wanted you to be prepared for her mood swing. It may be soon or it may be later, but until she has some things worked out, I think you’ll see her up & down.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am prepared to weather her ups and downs, and I am not even considering ML at this time. Of course I want it, but to be honest, I want it to be real and I want her to "feel" it, too. I don't want a quickie just for release, I want to actually make LOVE again, so I can wait a bit longer.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
